wolfsong

I've sat and talked with her about it, over dinner, in the car, at breakfast, curled up in bed, hell I think we even talked about it briefly at fucking Ikea. Before I go any further, I must...MUST relay what an amazing and strong woman she is. At times (most of them really), she has handled this whole scenario better than almost everyone around her. In the months since she made the decision to go forward with the mastectomy, she has put on a good face for EVERYONE, even family. Only once has she allowed herself to let go and express how she is really feeling inside in front of another person; me.

Because of that, I have tried to put on a better face, one of understanding and compassion. A face of concern and support. For the most part, I have been successful, and the fear, sadness and selfish lamenting have not made it to the surface. Like her, I have kept my stronger emotions/reactions hidden from the rest of the world, and cried in the wee hours of the night when no one else is around. Unlike her however, I have NOT allowed myself to break down in front of her. I have been denying myself that luxury for the sake of avoiding more tears from her. I think it fair to mention that I have told her about the times i have cried about this, but the knowledge of the event has nowhere near the impact of witnessing the event. I think it also interesting to note that even though I have told her; she maintains that she can't ever picture me in tears. Now I am sitting here waiting for it all to hit me...again.

The other night, we sat down and I tried to express all of the fears and concerns, big and small, that I was wrestling with. For this I had to be un-ashamedly honest, without being brutally so. Remember how I mentioned that she is an amazing and strong woman? She sat there as I laid my worries at her feet and never even blinked! She knows me well enough that there were no surprises in my admissions, no revelation in my words. My main fear was that, being a fan of breasts, and ones on the larger size at that, that while my feelings for her most certainly would not change.. my physical attraction to her might diminish, or even disappear (yes I know it's a bit shallow, but it is also a possibility). Now, just the loss of physical attraction would be bad enough. However, with the way my sick mind works (or was working at the time, more on that later), I would have been so ashamed by my reaction, that I would have trouble even facing her after that. After the REALLY big worries, like her making it off the table, or a quick recovery, minimal to no chemo, how SHE would feel afterward... That is what plagued me most; how our relationship would be affected. That I was worried about anything other than her well-being was not something I even wanted to hint at around her, but late night chats and her intuition proved to be my undoing. Though she understood my concerns about my attraction to her being affected, she was less than pleased to know that my warped thinking might also cost us our friendship. I had now done exactly what I was trying to avoid, and gave her something ELSE to think/worry about. I tried my best to allay both her concerns and mine, but I had nothing.

Oddly enough, it was an animated movie that I watched Tuesday night that put EVERYTHING in perspective for me. On a side note.. those of you that have not seen UP; I highly recommend it! Anyway, there is a point in the movie where the main character's wife becomes ill and passes away.... As soon as that sequence started; I started thinking about the possibility of actually losing Lisa... Every fiber of my being found this unacceptable, and I broke down in my friend's living room. I got a hold of Lisa immediately and told her my fears were gone, and that all would be well. We got together later that night and talked about it some more. I am no longer worried about stupid reactions from me. I am still terrified for her health and well being, but I know she is going to be in good hands and I am going to do everything I possibly can to make sure her recovery is as smooth as possible.

Now yes, I know I have rambled on and maybe even contradicted myself here, but i really don't care. These were all things i needed to get out. If you chose to read though the whole mess; thank you. I don't have a ton of friends on this site, but I value the ones I have... I also know that I will be talking to at least one of you about this in the near future... so now you have some back-history...