wolfsong

So here I am, at the end of the day that heralded my 18th year clean and sober. Well, maybe more clean than sober; clean is a state of body whereas sober is a state of mind. Holy shit, 18 years! My sobriety is old enough to vote, smoke, join the service, and oddly enough, drink in Canada. I have been thinking a lot about everything surrounding me lately, some good some bad, all environs of my own making. I think that I had just come to realize/accept that. For as much as I change the props, wardrobe, and cast around me; it's still the same damn movie. I have been blaming a lot of things concerning relationships on losing Fiona, I need to admit, that is a bunch of crap. As much as I would love to talk with her again, and straighten a few things out between us; it will make little difference in my head. My relationship issues go back further than Fiona, she's just the most convenient milestone. What I need to do is find the real root of my issues with relationships, all relationships. There it's out, it's public. I am broken. For some, many in fact, this is no revelation. However, I need to drop the mask of perfection I so often try to hide behind. I am just as frail and scared as everyone else I know. The rock of strength I project is nothing but paper mache, though it crushes like the real thing. I look back over the years and think about the problems I have had in the past in relationships; both romantic and platonic. So many of them are the same, it's just that each time they take longer to surface. This isn't progress, it's just improved masking. It seems that is what these past 18 years have taught me; how to hide my flaws better. Heh, how very human, very 21st century, of me. Another admission I've come to recently, for all my aspirations of grandeur; I am cut of the same cloth as everybody else. Again, not a revelation just the beginning of the end to self-important delusions. You can't recover until you admit the problem right? So, where to go from here, what do the next 18 years hold, hell how about the next 18 damn days? I need to talk to a few people, work out a few more things in my head, and make peace with a few demons. I think that latter part will take a bit longer than 18 days, but hey, one can hope. I hope I can talk to all the folks I want to. I know there are some that will prove hard to find at best, but I will try. In addition apologies need to be made to a great many folks. Oh gods do I hate apologies. File it under my great inability to admit when I'm wrong. I will start with a blanket here and do individuals as I can. For any family member, friend or lover I have ever made feel less than the spectacular human being you are; I am sorry. I had no right to give in to my insecurities and treat you as someone less than special. My issues, should be mine to deal with, not yours to have thrust upon you. Unfortunately, I cannot promise you that it will not happen again, but I can swear that I will try to be more aware of when these things start to happen. Well, that's about it for now. One giant rant, for good or ill is enough for me. I need to sleep. : )