51 ::
"...it's like this haunted sort of feeling, wondering to oneself :
how many times have I walked over my own grave, giving myself that slight chill that happens ?
how often have I 'lucked out' and survived what I shouldn't have, beyond the accidents and occurrences I know I have ?
it's amazing, intriguing, realizing the amount of time I've spent alone
the many, many things I've done alone
working since 15, I did very little with family
- and even then would find a quiet place to prop myself up on the outskirts
reading, quietly drawing and writing
the world flowing away while my mind filled up
an 'outcast' without stepping outside the circle completely
witnessing but not really participating
...aye, that changed as I got older - but how much, really ?
I still do much and most things alone
wildly, there feels to be as many people in my life now as there was before...
for as much loss as I've faced in my life - which has been a lot - I continue to meet and know new people
those closest to me when younger are long passed
I've let few fully inside, though I admit even they had to fight a little to 'get in'
oh, I don't push people away, but some parts of me have to be sought out
I'm open, very open - surprisingly ? - answering any question of myself that I know the answer to
presuming, of course, the 'right' questions are asked of myself
I probably speak of and admit things I shouldn't... but why would I lie ?
it has no purpose and proves no point
I am what I am
I am that I am
I can only be what there is to be
it's been an awkward life at times, of loss and damage, physical and mental
yet I'm still here, still standing, still willing to face what life throws at me
this haunted sort of feeling that keeps me going, keeps me wondering, and keeps me yearning and learning..."
( 6:20a, d190y24 )
moving on... :)
I find it intriguing that look I get when I mention it'd been 33yrs since I'd been to a Dr prior to this year...
and then there's the looks I get when I mention I'm uninsured and have been for 33yrs as well
is it really, truly, that unusual ?
the costs are absolutely atrocious !!
- particularly considering that the costs don't even apply until you reach a point of expense...
a point that - even with all these appts the Dr has been making me take - I haven't come near reaching
so, yeh, "insurance" is nothing of the sort !
having to spend nearly 1$k a month on something I couldn't use until I've spent ~5$k ?!
whose dumbass idea was that ? (*coughsobamacoughs* )
and - yes! - I would like to get the taxes that being uninsured took from me for several years as well... I could use it!
so, yeh - I've 'reached the 51st level' ;)
no, I didn't celebrate - I did buy an unfrosted angel food cake... and I did eat it, though not until the 11th & 12th
this week I've spent working and at multiple meetings...
unfortunately since the Dr still hasn't approved my medical, I cannot assist the PD Reserves - not even with events :(
and the demned Dr put me on medication to take daily due to "borderline elevated" BP
I'd have argued/refused to take anything but it was implied that it's necessary to get medical approval >:(
*coughsstupidassdoctorscoughs*
BUT I only have one workday left - Monday - before I'm on vacation for a little over a week...
no traveling, just local... initially I was going to assist with local events, but - yeh, I mentioned that
BUT my eldest daughter - who I haven't seen since Dec - is going to stay at least a couple of the days during the vaca !!
I miss my kiddo :)
...and, yes, I do tease and text her to remind her that her fathre is still alive :D
ANYways... Keep Living and Loving Life, my Lovelies & Gentlefolk - until the next posting !
watched recently :
via rental/streaming:
Shoresy (3rd Season)
Extraordinary (series)
That '90s show (2nd Season)
IF
Star Trek: Enterprise (2nd Season)
ownedflix:
Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania
-thom Wolfox sR Rhose, AK/GOT (OOP)
"Keep Living & Loving Life!"
"America needs creation not destruction, cooperation not contempt, security not anarchy, healing not hatred, justice not chaos."
President Donald Trump * June 1st, 2020