wolfgarden

Ida Maria is so good to listen to when I need a boost. I love her. If you haven't given her a listen, get to it. She's amazing.

I didn't want to fall in love with him. But I think I did. And I don't know why; I can see all his faults laid out plainly and he says he's found his soulmate in his current girlfriend, so why should I fall in love with him? If he's already found who he's supposed to be with, why would I fall in love with him?

Am I even properly in love? Or do I just still love him?

This is all fucked up and I'm leaving him this year to go to Whitewater next year...it wouldn't work out anyway. And he says he loves his girlfriend now.

I don't know what to do. I want to tell him, but I don't want to make things weird, but something's telling me that telling him wouldn't make things weird. I want to tell him in person, but I can't think of any time to see him to tell him. Everything's so complicated. The school year is almost over, which means I'll see less and less of him, hear less and less of his voice, be near him less....It all hurts so much.

And I just want him to be happy. I don't want him to worry about me or think I'm in pain, even if I am, because it might hurt him. I don't want to hurt him. If he's happy with his girlfriend, why should I intrude? Why should I give him something to think about? Why should I be selfish and insert myself into that part of his life, especially if I'm not even sure. I don't even know what it is to fall in love anymore. I've forgotten. Maybe I never even knew. He's just so close to every part of me...we're even physically attracted to one another. He's told me if he wasn't with her and he didn't know they were meant to be, he'd be with me, which is nice to know, but hurts as well. We've told each other we love each other, but I've tried to maintain I'm not in love with him. He's probably not even thinking about it. And why should he? He's happy with her, and I'm still not sure.

I wish work would call so I had something to do instead of sitting around wondering about all of this.

I'm so sick of having to let love fade away or wear off. I want someone to be in love with and someone who's in love with me instead of loving someone who can never feel the same in return. It's so frustrating and sad and painful. And I know it's supposed to be wonderful, but why does wonderful have to be so gut-wrenching? Yeah, life is full of ups and downs, but all the downs in my life happen with relationships. I just can't have everything, but even the good stuff is falling apart. My dad's losing his job, so we're losing his income, which means I'm going to have to take out thousands and thousands of dollars in loans, something I wasn't going to have to do before the economy went to shit. Is it even worth going to school anymore? Should I even bother if I'm just going to have debt until I'm fifty? Am I ever going to be able to live my life if I stay in school? And if I can't live the life I want, should I even keep living? Isn't this the practical route? To just end it before it has a chance to end itself?

Everything just sucks. It all just sucks. I hate it.