wolfgarden

I need something.

I feel like something is missing from my life, and I feel like it's an addiction.

I need an addiction.

Or maybe my addiction is finding out what's missing. So, when I find out what's missing, I'll be cured. Or maybe I'll just go into withdrawals and ignore the missing piece just to get back with my addiction of search. I don't mean that I think I need to start taking drugs or drinking or whatever (those are too easy, and thus, negate the need for a search), I just need something to take up time. Or to stop me from eating so much. I don't gain weight, but I am seriously eating all the fucking time because I am hungry all the fucking time. I hate it. It makes me feel disgusting. Like I'm some kind of human garbage disposal. I'm hungry right now, and I just ate half a carton of ice cream.

Why?

I think I already have an addiction. And it's not eating, ha ha. It's this. This...thought process. It keeps me awake at night. I can't sleep if I haven't thought about my day and the only way to bypass this incessant train of thought is to dissociate from the world and play out a fantasy in my brain. Not sexual fantasy, just, other-worldly fantasy. Alternate universe. Maybe that's good, a creative exercise, but I have to be going to sleep in that world to go to sleep in this one.

And I have discovered that I don't want help with this. So there's my denial of a problem, even though I've already said there's something missing in my life.

I like being able to put this here. It ensures I won't lose it. It'll be here for me when I need to review it, to think about what I've already thought about.

I need a shower. Is it okay to wash my hair the night before I get it dyed? Well, it'll have to be. She didn't tell me any different.