Hi Blog
I appreciate all the kind words and support on what I wrote last time. I feel I have to fill you in on what happened yesterday to me, my feelings and discoveries around the events.
First of all, I had a very difficult dayemotional to the extreme and I nearly ended my life last night. I stood at the top of my stairs and thought, why not just throw yourself down? Knowing my luck I wouldve broken the railing and not my neck as intended. Then I thought why not take ALL your blood pressure and diabetic meds? Instead of stopping my heart or going into shock I probably would have just gotten sick and thrown upwasting all those pills which I cant afford as it is. Then I heard Cadavres voice in my head saying dont do it, Ill be pissed at you! She manages to haul my ass out of the jaws of hell time and againI hope I dont ask of her too much, too often. I went into my studio and saw the painting of Jaclyn I am working on and thought, who would finish it? I broke down and cried like a little babyfor an hour. At one point I was standing in my basement (how I got there I have NO idea) with the freezer door open, crying like crazythe pain was so great.
You see, Blog, I suffer from such a lack of self-esteem I was concentrating almost ALL DAY on what I am NOT! I kept thinking: I am not handsome or sexy anymore (if I ever was to begin with), I am not a stud in bed (TMI here its the diabetes and Erectile Dysfunctionand an utter lack of self-confidence) hey, it was on my mind and relevant to what I have to say here! I am not rich (in money anyway), and I am not physically good looking (when I look at my body in the mirror I look like a cross between a pear and a beer barrel with legs!). I am saying all this because so many people concentrate on what they are NOT and their self-esteem suffers for it in varying degrees. They look at their weight or other aspects of physical appearance and cringe, thinking what can I do to make myself LOOK BETTER? Better according to whom? A man my age with my health issues may go nuts trying to over-compensate for any deficiencies by doing any number of things, some stupid like me (I wont go into detail too painful). My point iswhy concentrate on what one is NOT?
This is what and who I AMa picture of yours truly in my kilt for your consideration (I do look half-way decent in the kilt, but thats because of the kilt!)
I AM a middle-aged man who has been through 55 years of living life with all the ravages of time, stress, etc very apparent. I have experienced the deaths of my parents and many of my relatives. I have lived through the events of modern history from the assassination of JFK to man landing on the moon to Watergate to the birth of the Internet to 9/11. All that aside, I AM an artist, a musician, a teacher of art to little children, and a counselor. I AM a loving and caring human being who yes, wears his heart on his sleeve (and is proud of that fact). I feel everything, the good and the bad as if it were the blood running through my veins, the rain on my face, and the beating of my old heart. I laugh and cry and play practical jokes on anyone as long as I can get away with them. I want to hug all those people who need support and I want to fix their problems any way I can. I am generous with everything I have, especially my love which is limitless. When I am not concentrating on who I am NOT, I can be very optimistic and positive. I love this life with all its good stuff and bad and do not want to leave it just yet because I still have a lot of work to do. I love the people heretoo many to mentionbecause they seem to love me for who I AM, period. And not only that, but because thats who I AMI love you all and if I could see through my tears I would write more, but thats impossible now.
The reason I am writing all this to whoever will care to read it! is, I want you to know that you should LOVE YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE AND NOT WHO YOU ARENT! Fix what you dont like about yourself FOR YOURSELF and concentrate on what you love about yourself whatever that may be. I hope I havent bored the life out of you Blog and I hope I have made some sense as I do tend to ramble. I wish all of you love and happiness, stay safe. Next time I will post art, I promise.
I appreciate all the kind words and support on what I wrote last time. I feel I have to fill you in on what happened yesterday to me, my feelings and discoveries around the events.
First of all, I had a very difficult dayemotional to the extreme and I nearly ended my life last night. I stood at the top of my stairs and thought, why not just throw yourself down? Knowing my luck I wouldve broken the railing and not my neck as intended. Then I thought why not take ALL your blood pressure and diabetic meds? Instead of stopping my heart or going into shock I probably would have just gotten sick and thrown upwasting all those pills which I cant afford as it is. Then I heard Cadavres voice in my head saying dont do it, Ill be pissed at you! She manages to haul my ass out of the jaws of hell time and againI hope I dont ask of her too much, too often. I went into my studio and saw the painting of Jaclyn I am working on and thought, who would finish it? I broke down and cried like a little babyfor an hour. At one point I was standing in my basement (how I got there I have NO idea) with the freezer door open, crying like crazythe pain was so great.
You see, Blog, I suffer from such a lack of self-esteem I was concentrating almost ALL DAY on what I am NOT! I kept thinking: I am not handsome or sexy anymore (if I ever was to begin with), I am not a stud in bed (TMI here its the diabetes and Erectile Dysfunctionand an utter lack of self-confidence) hey, it was on my mind and relevant to what I have to say here! I am not rich (in money anyway), and I am not physically good looking (when I look at my body in the mirror I look like a cross between a pear and a beer barrel with legs!). I am saying all this because so many people concentrate on what they are NOT and their self-esteem suffers for it in varying degrees. They look at their weight or other aspects of physical appearance and cringe, thinking what can I do to make myself LOOK BETTER? Better according to whom? A man my age with my health issues may go nuts trying to over-compensate for any deficiencies by doing any number of things, some stupid like me (I wont go into detail too painful). My point iswhy concentrate on what one is NOT?
This is what and who I AMa picture of yours truly in my kilt for your consideration (I do look half-way decent in the kilt, but thats because of the kilt!)
I AM a middle-aged man who has been through 55 years of living life with all the ravages of time, stress, etc very apparent. I have experienced the deaths of my parents and many of my relatives. I have lived through the events of modern history from the assassination of JFK to man landing on the moon to Watergate to the birth of the Internet to 9/11. All that aside, I AM an artist, a musician, a teacher of art to little children, and a counselor. I AM a loving and caring human being who yes, wears his heart on his sleeve (and is proud of that fact). I feel everything, the good and the bad as if it were the blood running through my veins, the rain on my face, and the beating of my old heart. I laugh and cry and play practical jokes on anyone as long as I can get away with them. I want to hug all those people who need support and I want to fix their problems any way I can. I am generous with everything I have, especially my love which is limitless. When I am not concentrating on who I am NOT, I can be very optimistic and positive. I love this life with all its good stuff and bad and do not want to leave it just yet because I still have a lot of work to do. I love the people heretoo many to mentionbecause they seem to love me for who I AM, period. And not only that, but because thats who I AMI love you all and if I could see through my tears I would write more, but thats impossible now.
The reason I am writing all this to whoever will care to read it! is, I want you to know that you should LOVE YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE AND NOT WHO YOU ARENT! Fix what you dont like about yourself FOR YOURSELF and concentrate on what you love about yourself whatever that may be. I hope I havent bored the life out of you Blog and I hope I have made some sense as I do tend to ramble. I wish all of you love and happiness, stay safe. Next time I will post art, I promise.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
cadavre:
Haha so glad you enjoyed the pictures
toxic:
This blog was so deep. It's hard not to think of our faults at times. But on the same note why should our faults even matter. The good things are the only things important. Find the good and hold on to it, let the bad go. We all love you Bruce, especially me your an great friend and I wouldn't want you gone.