witchartist

Hi Blog,
I just wrote a long letter to Hexxus about my bullying experiences in 5th 12th grades and it has drained me of all energy. I would post it heremaybe I will even though it is a little rough and charged with emotion. I figure what the hellif I cant open up to you then what the hell am I supposed to do? I am just dragging myself up from another hell. The demons are back and they are not nice this time. If it were not for SG and a few other things in my life I would be just another paragraph or two in the obits in the local section of the newspaper. I have yet againplaced my trust in a person friend (no one here) and been crushed, my heart aches and if I could see through the tears right now, maybe this would make sense. This is too negativeI am going to post it anyway, go work on Parkers watercolor and try like hell to cheer up. I love you allif it werent for youwell, enough said

My letter to Hexxus

So you wanted to know about my bullying experiences. It started when I was in 5th grade with the emotional stufftaunting, name-calling, etc. All the non-physical stuff that registered deep and scarred me deeplyall the things that I am trying to work through now (funny the physical stuff never created the same deep scarsor maybe those are deeper!). The thing that hurt the most was the betrayal by friends. I had one friend since Kindergarten who was one of the worst. He would bully and be one of the worst bystanders, too. I thought I could trust the guy, I guess not. He moved to a different school in Junior High, but others took his placewith relish I might add. Ive always been kinda tall and gawkyvery uncoordinated. That seemed to fuel the fire. Plus, the only thing I was ever good at was drawing. In a world where you HAD TO BE good at sports it didnt help much to be able to draw and paint. I know now why I have such a problem trusting people with my feelingsmy heartits because of the broken trust and abandonment I experienced as a kidI always felt alone and school (where you SHOULD make friends) was one of the worst places for me to be. I also know now that I try to reach out, desperate for affection, to whomever will return itand sometimes I get burned. I never learned the social cues and clues because I was alone so much and so afraid all the time of the bullies. Junior High is when the physical stuff started, but that really intensified in High School. In Junior High they made us swim nude in gym classimagine the names and taunting I was overweight through the belly and am on the small side if you get my drift. I have trouble now with performance anxiety and it all stems from those days. The severe physical stuff started in football and basketball practice, before and after school, in the locker rooms and showers. We had a gym teacher who used to watch us come out of the showers, he was the head football coach, tooalways had gum behind his ear for some reason (weird dude). The varsity football players would give wedgies in the parking lotone kid I swear didnt have kids because of what they did to him. The varsity baseball players would make the underclassmen give them blow-jobssick, huh? The coaches encouraged the hazing and the administration looked the other way. As a high school boy I couldnt rat on anyone and no one would have believed me anyway. The culture was so different then (Mid-West, 1970s). There were three suicides the year I graduated. I never took part in anything my senior year and quit the band because of what was going on. I have never attended any of my reunionsnever will. I laughed my ass off when I heard one of the worst bullies died an early death when he was in his 30sstill feel guilty over that. So, there is my story. I hope it makes sense because right now I am crying so hard from telling it I can barely see. I had another near suicidal episode the other daythe pain is so great. I put trust in a friend (I thought she was a friend) and like so often in the past had my heart stepped on. I wonder sometimes if the next time something like that happens I will just go through with it, end it. I am trying to hold it together today, but it is very difficult. I am trying to focus on coursework and stuff for school, but I keep stopping to crymakes it hard to concentrate. Ill be okayI just need time. I dont want to check out just yet. Im a bit tiredsleep doesnt come easily these days or in long spansplus I want to draw a little (working on a watercolor of Parker on SG). I am anxious to hear your thoughts and will be on and off SG today (it gives me a boost).