Hi Blog,
Turning 54 has been extremely difficult. It is far worse than 30, 40, or even 50. I think its because of all the changes and self-reflection Ive gone through over the past years as I finish my school counselor degree. The personal stuff that has come up has rocked me to the core, as it should since I cant transfer this stuff on to the kids I helpit wouldnt do to come down hard on a bully at school because of what I went through as a kidfor 8 horrible years. Part of it is I feel old, old and unwanted, undesired, unattractive to a degree. Having very little self-esteem poisons every part of a person. I feel stronger about myself, but there are times, last night was one of them, when I feel like my life has passed me by. I get up in the morning, take pills for a variety of problems, check my blood to see if the diabetes is indeed getting worse, look at myself in the mirror and think, Christ what a wreckwho is this guy? I want to be HOTto turn a womans head and make her WANT to get to know mewant me period. I guess those days are gone. Then I realize, I have more to offer than what I might look like on the outside. I am not young, I am experienced. I am not HOT, but I might be considered handsome (at least to a 90 year old lady LOL). I have been all over the world to places many people will never see. I can express myself with music which many people envy (even if I do play out of tune at times
). Then there is my artworkmy savior when everything else in my life threatened to kill me, take me to hell. I love drawing the lovely ladies here and thank my Goddess each and every day for the opportunity of doing just that. I feel honored and privileged to be able to give them something for all they give me. I know there are people out thereherewho care and feel happy to know me, even if its just online. Thats one reason why I dont despair and why I havent ended my life. I know I have so much to live for, so much to look forward to and many of my friends here have shown me how to see those facts. So, as I celebrate my 54th year in this life I am trying very hard to consider what I HAVE and what I AM, rather than the alternatives that may be negative or counter-productive. Thank you SG and all of you here for adding so much richness and beauty to my life, for the inspiration, and for the love and caring. As it is above and so below, in perfect love and perfect trust I say unto all of you blessed people, may the Goddess and God keep you close to their hearts, protect you, and love you as I do.
Love and Bright Blessings...times three!
XOXOXOXO
Turning 54 has been extremely difficult. It is far worse than 30, 40, or even 50. I think its because of all the changes and self-reflection Ive gone through over the past years as I finish my school counselor degree. The personal stuff that has come up has rocked me to the core, as it should since I cant transfer this stuff on to the kids I helpit wouldnt do to come down hard on a bully at school because of what I went through as a kidfor 8 horrible years. Part of it is I feel old, old and unwanted, undesired, unattractive to a degree. Having very little self-esteem poisons every part of a person. I feel stronger about myself, but there are times, last night was one of them, when I feel like my life has passed me by. I get up in the morning, take pills for a variety of problems, check my blood to see if the diabetes is indeed getting worse, look at myself in the mirror and think, Christ what a wreckwho is this guy? I want to be HOTto turn a womans head and make her WANT to get to know mewant me period. I guess those days are gone. Then I realize, I have more to offer than what I might look like on the outside. I am not young, I am experienced. I am not HOT, but I might be considered handsome (at least to a 90 year old lady LOL). I have been all over the world to places many people will never see. I can express myself with music which many people envy (even if I do play out of tune at times
). Then there is my artworkmy savior when everything else in my life threatened to kill me, take me to hell. I love drawing the lovely ladies here and thank my Goddess each and every day for the opportunity of doing just that. I feel honored and privileged to be able to give them something for all they give me. I know there are people out thereherewho care and feel happy to know me, even if its just online. Thats one reason why I dont despair and why I havent ended my life. I know I have so much to live for, so much to look forward to and many of my friends here have shown me how to see those facts. So, as I celebrate my 54th year in this life I am trying very hard to consider what I HAVE and what I AM, rather than the alternatives that may be negative or counter-productive. Thank you SG and all of you here for adding so much richness and beauty to my life, for the inspiration, and for the love and caring. As it is above and so below, in perfect love and perfect trust I say unto all of you blessed people, may the Goddess and God keep you close to their hearts, protect you, and love you as I do.
Love and Bright Blessings...times three!
XOXOXOXO
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Happy birthday, btw... I hope it's a great one!