Soooo, with all this extra free time I seem to not have, what have I been filling it with? Not passing the time here browsing through this wonderful site, oh no...that would mean my life would be full of drama....instead, I'm finding myself getting involved in something that my better judgement is screaming at me to avoid...but listening to better jusdgement is a thing that cautious people do, and I prefer to throw caution to the wind and better judgement out the window and risk loads of awkward hurt in the future...or maybe, just maybe, that won't happen. I won't know unless I put myself out there to risk it....
what is this precarious situation, you ask?...well I'll share and you're very first thought may be to tell me to run, far, far away...save myself the pain...but I'm stubborn and I like to think of myself as somewhat tough and I know exactly what I'm getting myself into...
and so the situation:
hmmm, the best way to start. At my job, there's this girl, and we will call her "J"...she's absolutely the cutest thing and I found myself slightly attracted to her before I even knew, officially, that she was a lesbian. I had my inklings, of course, but you never really know until you find out for sure....anyway, she just recently moved closer to the job and so has been able to hang out after work with the rest of us that hang out doing various things that can be done after midnight (we work 2nd shift) So, last week, on the 12th, we were all hanging out, playing beer pong, and she was there, and I noticed that she was being a bit flirty with me...hmmm, my interest is immediately sparked and I gladly accept when she brings up that a bunch of them are going to the gayborhood on that Saturday, and would I like to join...
...skip to Friday, where we still don't have the concrete plans together, because she's not sure what the others want to do exactly, so I give her my number to give me a call whenever she finds out...I go out after work with another friend of mine, and I get a text message around 2 telling me that there's karaoke on Saturday night a bar that's local to us and how she would love to hear me sing...hmmm, I would love her to hear me sing too....so I agree to that
....Satruday rolls around, and she still hasn't heard anything truly concrete from the others all day, but we keep in touch and decide that if we don't hear anything my 9, that we'll both just go to karaoke...hmmm, I'm almost kind of looking forward to just meeting with her alone, screw everyone else. But we do hear something, finally, and it looks like we're going to join up with another group of our co-workers to go to Manayunk...yeah, ok, I'm cool with that...so we go (and I'm kind of excited that I'll get to squeeze in next to her in the backseat of the car we all pack into - I know, it's pretty lame)...we go to a couple of bars, but it wasn't towards the end of the night, when I truly discovered where her feelings were...there's a live band and we're all dancing around, having a good time, we make a little extra effort to try to talk to each other...eventually a slow song comes on and she grabs me, and we dance, and its the sweetest thing...and we danced to the next song together, as well....very nice, indeed...on the way back to the car, we walk with our arms around each other...and on the car ride home, instead of letting her get dropped off directly at home, we convince her to hang out a bit more at one of our friend's house and when she puts the question out ther, "who's going to give me a ride home?"...of course, I answer that I would...so we hang out, and she's feeding me candy and gum and such and it feels nice and close and flirty, and so when the time comes for her to get a ride home, I gladly do so...and in front of her house, we hug, and she leans in for a kiss, which I gladly accept and we proceed to make out for about a half hour...(now, let me pause in telling you, that it has been over a year since I've even been kissed, so I was seriously jonesin for one...)...and each of us finishes the night with lovely matching hickeys...yeah, I know, it's like I'm in high school again or something...such a shame, but it's absoluetely hot as it happens.
...the following day, I have plans, and she has plans and so hanging out together really isn't an option. And although I can do nothing but think of her the entire day, I refrain from calling or texting her, because I don't want to seem too overeager and scare her away or something...and the thoughts of what will our friends think, and what about work (because we sit right next to each other) and what does this mean for us, come up...but I don't want to ask, because I don't want to scare her off and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing when it comes to dating...that's a whole other story in itself...but then she calls that night saying pretty much the same things that I was thinking all day - whew - and we agree to take things slow and one day at a time...although, for the life of me, i can't figure out what slow is - I still can't...
...and so we have our week at work...filled with slightly flirtateous glances (although Monday I was incredilbly nervous and was a complete klutz around her...and although I'm clumsy, it's never at the cause of another person...but then again, this is the first woman I've really become involved with) so after work MOnday and Tuesday, we go to a local bar after work, hang out till closing, I give her a ride home, and we intensely make out in my car in front of her place for around 45 minutes or so. Wednesday was beer pong we make no effort to hide our togetherness from our friends, and it's great...and it always ends with me giving her a ride home (and the perks that go along with it)
oh, I almost forgot...a not-so-awkward moment it shared with my mother when I go to pick up some mail from her Wednesday morning and she notices the hickeys on my neck and when she asks who they are from, I tell her, "Her name is 'J'" She clarifies that I said her, and then it all normal again...like it's not even a big thing (I wasn't out to my parents quite yet, I dropped hints...but that was it) And the funny thing is, is that my mother calls me later to tell me that women can be as bad as men, worse, sometimes and to be careful...and just today she says they (both of my parents) want to meet her...hmmm, yeah well, we'll see...
anyway, we've got some passionate nights going on...and on Friday night (we're talking the 20th, now...) we make plans for me to come over Saturday (yesterday) watch movies, order food, eat popcorn and have a genarally nice time...I hadn't been in her apt yet, probably due to the fact that I probably wouldn't end up leaving any time soon...like it would end up with me staying all night and I would have things to do in the morning....so this would probably end up being a pretty big deal or something
...and then Saturday comes and I get a text message:
"This isn't fair to you. I am a jerk"
all I can think, is "what?!?!" ok, what's going on?
and then I get another text:
"you're so sweet and so beautiful. i should've waited til i was healed. it's so hard sometimes. i'm no good for anyone until i can give 100%. I'm still so broken inside. it's crippling"
...oh, jeez what did I get myself into, I think...what's going on? what's too soon? (I'm thinking, you know a month or so?) what happened in her last relationship...so I'm wiling to take a step back...forgo our plans for the night and meet up somewhere where we can talk, because she's obviously uspet...so i tell her that, we can meet somewhere to talk, but she says maybe later, she has stuff to do...ok, then...and so I wait.....it's 6....and wait...it's 7....and wait...my roommates each of their men over for a little grilling and so I hang with them....and wait....it's 10....I finally get a text message, saying she'll be at open mic night, and so i go to meet her there...and we hang out. And then she shares...I ask her how long it's been since she's broken up with her ex...since Easter...and in my head, I'm like...a couple weeks ago Easter?!?!? whoah, when she said too soon, she really meant it...ok...well, maybe it's not that bad, and so I ask how long they were together....are you ready for this one?....8 1/2 years. . .yup, they were practically married!!!...I'm almost scared away by this information, because it's pretty much like she's going through a divorce and I feel like pretty much the Rebound girl...and I most likely am...but I think a part of me is fine with that....no strings attached, or something...I'm a patient person, and I'm thinking, maybe she needs that right now...because before they broke up it was a long downward spiral of a long-distance relationship and such...and so maybe my chances might be good...
...so after hanging out, I still ended up at her place, and we had a wonderful night together...and it's taking all I can not to call or send her a text right now...I really don't want to smother her...
...but that's pretty much my story, and a very large and drawn out nutshell...and yes, I might be just a little insane for volunteering myself up for such a situation. But I can't help myself...there' incredible chemistry between the two of us and we get along...so
i think i should end this little rant of mine....later!
ps...I refuse to check for spelling and grammar errors!!!
what is this precarious situation, you ask?...well I'll share and you're very first thought may be to tell me to run, far, far away...save myself the pain...but I'm stubborn and I like to think of myself as somewhat tough and I know exactly what I'm getting myself into...
and so the situation:
hmmm, the best way to start. At my job, there's this girl, and we will call her "J"...she's absolutely the cutest thing and I found myself slightly attracted to her before I even knew, officially, that she was a lesbian. I had my inklings, of course, but you never really know until you find out for sure....anyway, she just recently moved closer to the job and so has been able to hang out after work with the rest of us that hang out doing various things that can be done after midnight (we work 2nd shift) So, last week, on the 12th, we were all hanging out, playing beer pong, and she was there, and I noticed that she was being a bit flirty with me...hmmm, my interest is immediately sparked and I gladly accept when she brings up that a bunch of them are going to the gayborhood on that Saturday, and would I like to join...
...skip to Friday, where we still don't have the concrete plans together, because she's not sure what the others want to do exactly, so I give her my number to give me a call whenever she finds out...I go out after work with another friend of mine, and I get a text message around 2 telling me that there's karaoke on Saturday night a bar that's local to us and how she would love to hear me sing...hmmm, I would love her to hear me sing too....so I agree to that
....Satruday rolls around, and she still hasn't heard anything truly concrete from the others all day, but we keep in touch and decide that if we don't hear anything my 9, that we'll both just go to karaoke...hmmm, I'm almost kind of looking forward to just meeting with her alone, screw everyone else. But we do hear something, finally, and it looks like we're going to join up with another group of our co-workers to go to Manayunk...yeah, ok, I'm cool with that...so we go (and I'm kind of excited that I'll get to squeeze in next to her in the backseat of the car we all pack into - I know, it's pretty lame)...we go to a couple of bars, but it wasn't towards the end of the night, when I truly discovered where her feelings were...there's a live band and we're all dancing around, having a good time, we make a little extra effort to try to talk to each other...eventually a slow song comes on and she grabs me, and we dance, and its the sweetest thing...and we danced to the next song together, as well....very nice, indeed...on the way back to the car, we walk with our arms around each other...and on the car ride home, instead of letting her get dropped off directly at home, we convince her to hang out a bit more at one of our friend's house and when she puts the question out ther, "who's going to give me a ride home?"...of course, I answer that I would...so we hang out, and she's feeding me candy and gum and such and it feels nice and close and flirty, and so when the time comes for her to get a ride home, I gladly do so...and in front of her house, we hug, and she leans in for a kiss, which I gladly accept and we proceed to make out for about a half hour...(now, let me pause in telling you, that it has been over a year since I've even been kissed, so I was seriously jonesin for one...)...and each of us finishes the night with lovely matching hickeys...yeah, I know, it's like I'm in high school again or something...such a shame, but it's absoluetely hot as it happens.
...the following day, I have plans, and she has plans and so hanging out together really isn't an option. And although I can do nothing but think of her the entire day, I refrain from calling or texting her, because I don't want to seem too overeager and scare her away or something...and the thoughts of what will our friends think, and what about work (because we sit right next to each other) and what does this mean for us, come up...but I don't want to ask, because I don't want to scare her off and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing when it comes to dating...that's a whole other story in itself...but then she calls that night saying pretty much the same things that I was thinking all day - whew - and we agree to take things slow and one day at a time...although, for the life of me, i can't figure out what slow is - I still can't...
...and so we have our week at work...filled with slightly flirtateous glances (although Monday I was incredilbly nervous and was a complete klutz around her...and although I'm clumsy, it's never at the cause of another person...but then again, this is the first woman I've really become involved with) so after work MOnday and Tuesday, we go to a local bar after work, hang out till closing, I give her a ride home, and we intensely make out in my car in front of her place for around 45 minutes or so. Wednesday was beer pong we make no effort to hide our togetherness from our friends, and it's great...and it always ends with me giving her a ride home (and the perks that go along with it)
oh, I almost forgot...a not-so-awkward moment it shared with my mother when I go to pick up some mail from her Wednesday morning and she notices the hickeys on my neck and when she asks who they are from, I tell her, "Her name is 'J'" She clarifies that I said her, and then it all normal again...like it's not even a big thing (I wasn't out to my parents quite yet, I dropped hints...but that was it) And the funny thing is, is that my mother calls me later to tell me that women can be as bad as men, worse, sometimes and to be careful...and just today she says they (both of my parents) want to meet her...hmmm, yeah well, we'll see...
anyway, we've got some passionate nights going on...and on Friday night (we're talking the 20th, now...) we make plans for me to come over Saturday (yesterday) watch movies, order food, eat popcorn and have a genarally nice time...I hadn't been in her apt yet, probably due to the fact that I probably wouldn't end up leaving any time soon...like it would end up with me staying all night and I would have things to do in the morning....so this would probably end up being a pretty big deal or something
...and then Saturday comes and I get a text message:
"This isn't fair to you. I am a jerk"
all I can think, is "what?!?!" ok, what's going on?
and then I get another text:
"you're so sweet and so beautiful. i should've waited til i was healed. it's so hard sometimes. i'm no good for anyone until i can give 100%. I'm still so broken inside. it's crippling"
...oh, jeez what did I get myself into, I think...what's going on? what's too soon? (I'm thinking, you know a month or so?) what happened in her last relationship...so I'm wiling to take a step back...forgo our plans for the night and meet up somewhere where we can talk, because she's obviously uspet...so i tell her that, we can meet somewhere to talk, but she says maybe later, she has stuff to do...ok, then...and so I wait.....it's 6....and wait...it's 7....and wait...my roommates each of their men over for a little grilling and so I hang with them....and wait....it's 10....I finally get a text message, saying she'll be at open mic night, and so i go to meet her there...and we hang out. And then she shares...I ask her how long it's been since she's broken up with her ex...since Easter...and in my head, I'm like...a couple weeks ago Easter?!?!? whoah, when she said too soon, she really meant it...ok...well, maybe it's not that bad, and so I ask how long they were together....are you ready for this one?....8 1/2 years. . .yup, they were practically married!!!...I'm almost scared away by this information, because it's pretty much like she's going through a divorce and I feel like pretty much the Rebound girl...and I most likely am...but I think a part of me is fine with that....no strings attached, or something...I'm a patient person, and I'm thinking, maybe she needs that right now...because before they broke up it was a long downward spiral of a long-distance relationship and such...and so maybe my chances might be good...
...so after hanging out, I still ended up at her place, and we had a wonderful night together...and it's taking all I can not to call or send her a text right now...I really don't want to smother her...
...but that's pretty much my story, and a very large and drawn out nutshell...and yes, I might be just a little insane for volunteering myself up for such a situation. But I can't help myself...there' incredible chemistry between the two of us and we get along...so
i think i should end this little rant of mine....later!
ps...I refuse to check for spelling and grammar errors!!!
winona5:
heh, I wrote a mini story...damn me and my tendency to want to become a writer whenever I sit down and start typing 