wings

I've had enough time to stop letting my romantics run my life, and despite my current distaste for practicality and my burning desire to say "fuck reason" and do something absolutely fucking insane, it at least warrants a moment of thought.

I love her. I am deeply, desperately, hopelessly in love with her. No, I will never get over her. yes, she will always be in my mind from now until forever and any future women in my life will have to deal with me constantly comparing them to her. That's the reality of the situation.

Of course, I would rather not let that happen, but somehow, between the time we got together and the present, I became this boring, passionless dork who thinks about the future... doesn't care about the present. I'm done with that. The moment is a thousand times more important, and right now, there's a huge chunk out of every moment that she used to fill. I don't want that. I want her in every moment of my life.

But.

As much as I want to believe crazy romance movies and do something outlandish to win her back, I think I ruined my chance to do that by being the one to break up with her in the first place.

The truth is, nothing I can do will make her be totally in love with me again... aside from be the person who I was when she fell in love with me.

So I'm reversing all the shitty changes that I made, unconsciously or otherwise. I'm finding passion and motivation in everyday things again. I can't depend on her to give me those things... it's not fair to expect that or to request that.

I believe she is still in love with me... the real me. But she has a lot of things in her life that are probably lot more pressing than a clingy, dependent boyfriend. I used to not be that. So I'm ending that part. I want my own life back. I want her to have her own life back. We're not ready to share our lives totally with each other, and saying that to her was the most self-righteous and misguided statement I have ever made.

What I want now is for use to be a part of each others lives, like we used to be... not the central focus. Yes, I want her to be on my mind all day long, and I want to be on hers, but not to the distracting, crippling degree I let it become.

I want to be with her while she figures out her life. I want to be there, even 800 miles away, to call at night and feel comfortable, grounded, at home. To come home from a shitty day at class to find a letter from me, just letting her know that I'm here, I love her, and I know she's going in the right direction. I want to be so excited to see her on the weekends... and not act like this is just what we do. Act like we actually haven't seen each other in ages. To see her truly excited to see me, knowing that a) She doesn't have to do anything to please me, b) I'm proud (and frequently jealous) of her and her life, and c) I understand that she has a life, too, and I'm not going to do anything to disrupt that life.

I miss when seeing each other was something we wanted to do... not something we felt like we were required to do. And I think we can get that back... I really do.

But I can't force her to think the same way. And God knows I'm not about to try. I did that for way the fuck too long.

She already knows how I feel. And getting Weezer to come play "Across the Sea" in her front yard while I stand in front with a dozen bouquets of a dozen roses, while cooking her her favorite casseroles isn't going to drive the point home even further. (though, to be fair, if I thought it would, I'd do that in a heartbeat)

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, put this and few other things out on the table, and step the fuck away.

I love her way too much to pressure her anymore. I didn't pressure her into loving me the first time, and I'm not going to do it again.

About a year and a half ago, right before we got together, I wrote about a phone conversation I had with her, sitting on the rooftop of my dorm in November. I was just starting to consider having a relationship with her, and I wrote this:

I start doing stupid shit like comparing the benefits and convenience of these relationships. It's so new and unknow and fresh and alluring...

But for fuck's sake, is that a good idea? New and alluring is all good and well...it's a thrill, and there's fear and nervousness...sure, real emotions, too, but playful emotions...fucking SITCOM emotions. But what is that in comparison to the comfort...the sheer, blissful comfort and warmth??? There's no telling if these new doors will lead to that. I'm not sure I'm ready to accept the fact that I might find comfort and love in more than one place. If I go for it...if I jump in and say "things are so difficult, and the best thing is just to move on" and then I just...GO...then I could lose...I could...and probably would lose you.

And then the warmth would be gone. And I'd be out on that rooftop again...in a ball against a brick wall...shivering. This time with no telephone. This time without a voice in my ear.

I'm pretty sure that a few weeks ago, I said exactly that phrase on the phone.

So I'm done. I'm done with letting myself become exactly what I feared I would become. I'm too young to become that.

Yes. I want her in my life. Yes, maybe someday I want her to BE my life. But that's a LONG fucking ways away, and maybe impossible. But to use her words, "I know that you're exactly what I need right now."

I just hope I haven't fucked things up bad enough to destroy the symmetric nature of that statement.

If I'm not what she needs, then I hope she'll at least discover I'm what she wants.

And I promise this, to her, and to myself. I won't fuck it up again.