I keep a journal elsewhere, but I think I'll just start copying my entries here... maybe to get feedback from a different community, if anything.
Talked with my Girlfriend for along time tonight. She's a staunch presbyterian, and I'm just a Christian. I don't go to church, nor do I subscribe to any denomination. I am, plainly and simply, a Christian. Which makes me really confused with people who do subscribe to organized forms of the religion.
She's tried to explain her relationship with God to me many times, and it's just so complicated, and chock full of loopholes and contradictions... If I don't figure this out it's going to kill me.
Why does a relationship with God have to be so complicated to so many people? Why does one have to sin in order to realize forgiveness? I've been told this same process so many times by so many Christians: "You sin, either in thought or in action, and you feel guilty for that. Then you remember that Jesus died so that we may be forgiven, and you ask for that forgiveness." Why does there have to be a process, and furthermore, why does there have to be guilt? Sure, I can understand feeling guilty for a physical sin... something that harms your fellow man. But for a thought? Or a feeling? I just can't fathom feeling guilty for something completely immaterial. If I act upon "impure" thoughts or feelings, or seriously consider acting upon them, then yes, I'd probably feel guilty. But as there's no physical harm to anyone, or myself in a thought or a feeling, as long as I am an emotionally strong person, then how can an "impure" thought be sinful?
I don't want to spend my life asking for forgiveness, feeling guilty or unworthy every time I feel bad or think something I "shouldn't." That's a waste of a short life. I can't believe that God would give us life and want us to do anything but live it, completely and totally, in every minute, every second. Any second spent saying "I'm unworthy, but please, forgive me" is, to me, a second wasted. Because, and forgive me (hah) if I'm being theologically presumptuous, if I were God, and someone came to me in a silent prayer saying "God, John down the street just got a new BMW, and I want it so bad. Please forgive me..." I'd probably exercise my ubiquity to give him a holy punch in the face, and say "What the fuck did you come to me for? Of course I'll forgive you. I'm GOD, Dumbass. I'm unconditional love. I don't get disappointed in you. Are you worried about making me angry? Or doing a bad job? If you don't get out there and stop wasting these short 70 years I've given you, I'll shove my forgiveness so far up your ass..."
If God really is an anthropomorphic figure...an old white guy with a flowing beard in an iridescent robe, I'm pretty sure he's fairly sick of all his children feeling unworthy of his love.
I feel worthy. I don't feel guilty. I feel thankful... every damn day. Thankful that I've been given life, that there is some unexplainable spark inside me... something so holy and pure that drives me... so thankful that any time I'm not exercising my life to the fullest extent, I feel awful. But I don't feel guilty. I feel stupid. It's the same feeling you get when you break something expensive, or a gift. You feel like an idiot. Embarrassed. And that's not something i need to seek forgiveness for... that's something I have to say "what the hell is wrong with you, Galen? Stop wasting time!"
Which is pretty much how I've felt all week, but that's another story.
But when it comes to feelings, no. I never get that feeling. When I feel jealous, or angry, or spiteful, or hateful, I don't feel like I've wasted what was given to me. When I feel such passionate emotions, that's when I REALLY feel alive. Jealousy, happiness. rage, spite, hate, ecstasy, love, passion... PASSION. They all make your blood boil, and make your heart race, and make you realize that something ELSE is fueling you. And that feeling alone ought to be enough to keep you from acting out.
That's a healthy relationship with God, to me. To allow yourself to feel, really feel with all the passion and unencumbered power the emotions that God has enabled us to experience... but realize that the feeling is all you need. When it's a positive feeling, by all means, continue acting is such a way as to promote them, as long as do don't do anything to hinder anyone else's ability to feel. If they're negative feelings, then that life and that intense presence you experience is there to tell you to stop. Knowing to tell one from the other is a healthy relationship with God.
It's simple. It's feeling. It's an unexplainable presence. There's no asking, no waiting for answers, no guilt. No wondering. No confusion. Just you, and something intense inside you. That's God. That's holiness.
To me.
I feel like everything I've ever been told otherwise has been more or less a more convoluted version of this... Like extra stuff has been added in an attempt to codify it, or structure it, or make it less gray, more black and white.
But you can't. There's no fucking way. It's gray. There's no possible way you'll EVER be able to explain it, or put structure on it. That's sort of why it's... well... GOD. You will never know God totally and clearly. And any attempt to do so seems futile.
Like trying to drink an ocean.
Why can't you just swim in it?
Talked with my Girlfriend for along time tonight. She's a staunch presbyterian, and I'm just a Christian. I don't go to church, nor do I subscribe to any denomination. I am, plainly and simply, a Christian. Which makes me really confused with people who do subscribe to organized forms of the religion.
She's tried to explain her relationship with God to me many times, and it's just so complicated, and chock full of loopholes and contradictions... If I don't figure this out it's going to kill me.
Why does a relationship with God have to be so complicated to so many people? Why does one have to sin in order to realize forgiveness? I've been told this same process so many times by so many Christians: "You sin, either in thought or in action, and you feel guilty for that. Then you remember that Jesus died so that we may be forgiven, and you ask for that forgiveness." Why does there have to be a process, and furthermore, why does there have to be guilt? Sure, I can understand feeling guilty for a physical sin... something that harms your fellow man. But for a thought? Or a feeling? I just can't fathom feeling guilty for something completely immaterial. If I act upon "impure" thoughts or feelings, or seriously consider acting upon them, then yes, I'd probably feel guilty. But as there's no physical harm to anyone, or myself in a thought or a feeling, as long as I am an emotionally strong person, then how can an "impure" thought be sinful?
I don't want to spend my life asking for forgiveness, feeling guilty or unworthy every time I feel bad or think something I "shouldn't." That's a waste of a short life. I can't believe that God would give us life and want us to do anything but live it, completely and totally, in every minute, every second. Any second spent saying "I'm unworthy, but please, forgive me" is, to me, a second wasted. Because, and forgive me (hah) if I'm being theologically presumptuous, if I were God, and someone came to me in a silent prayer saying "God, John down the street just got a new BMW, and I want it so bad. Please forgive me..." I'd probably exercise my ubiquity to give him a holy punch in the face, and say "What the fuck did you come to me for? Of course I'll forgive you. I'm GOD, Dumbass. I'm unconditional love. I don't get disappointed in you. Are you worried about making me angry? Or doing a bad job? If you don't get out there and stop wasting these short 70 years I've given you, I'll shove my forgiveness so far up your ass..."
If God really is an anthropomorphic figure...an old white guy with a flowing beard in an iridescent robe, I'm pretty sure he's fairly sick of all his children feeling unworthy of his love.
I feel worthy. I don't feel guilty. I feel thankful... every damn day. Thankful that I've been given life, that there is some unexplainable spark inside me... something so holy and pure that drives me... so thankful that any time I'm not exercising my life to the fullest extent, I feel awful. But I don't feel guilty. I feel stupid. It's the same feeling you get when you break something expensive, or a gift. You feel like an idiot. Embarrassed. And that's not something i need to seek forgiveness for... that's something I have to say "what the hell is wrong with you, Galen? Stop wasting time!"
Which is pretty much how I've felt all week, but that's another story.
But when it comes to feelings, no. I never get that feeling. When I feel jealous, or angry, or spiteful, or hateful, I don't feel like I've wasted what was given to me. When I feel such passionate emotions, that's when I REALLY feel alive. Jealousy, happiness. rage, spite, hate, ecstasy, love, passion... PASSION. They all make your blood boil, and make your heart race, and make you realize that something ELSE is fueling you. And that feeling alone ought to be enough to keep you from acting out.
That's a healthy relationship with God, to me. To allow yourself to feel, really feel with all the passion and unencumbered power the emotions that God has enabled us to experience... but realize that the feeling is all you need. When it's a positive feeling, by all means, continue acting is such a way as to promote them, as long as do don't do anything to hinder anyone else's ability to feel. If they're negative feelings, then that life and that intense presence you experience is there to tell you to stop. Knowing to tell one from the other is a healthy relationship with God.
It's simple. It's feeling. It's an unexplainable presence. There's no asking, no waiting for answers, no guilt. No wondering. No confusion. Just you, and something intense inside you. That's God. That's holiness.
To me.
I feel like everything I've ever been told otherwise has been more or less a more convoluted version of this... Like extra stuff has been added in an attempt to codify it, or structure it, or make it less gray, more black and white.
But you can't. There's no fucking way. It's gray. There's no possible way you'll EVER be able to explain it, or put structure on it. That's sort of why it's... well... GOD. You will never know God totally and clearly. And any attempt to do so seems futile.
Like trying to drink an ocean.
Why can't you just swim in it?
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
OK I got serious for a mo and actually read your entry.
I'm a Catholic myself and I've come to the conmclusion that there are two things you can do. You can either 1) have a relationship with God or 2) have a relationship with Church.
I don't really have a strong relationship with either but it's my understanding that it's the church that teaches people to feel guilty for one or more of the "sins" described in the Bible. I'm really not sure what God wants, nor do I think I care. I'm happy with myself.
Stay introspective brotha!
anyway, its a great book - check it out on amazon...