Bad start to the year.
I spent most of New Years Eve in hospital getting things poked in my eye, due to a contact lens related corneal ulcer. Gross. Started the year very depressed, feeling hideous and lonely. Second day of the year I find out that Alex has been inviting my friends round for sex while Im at work. Thankfully no-one has accepted his offer. Things went from bad to worse as I spiralled into my black hole of depression.
A pretty shitty month, apart from meeting Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman and Timothy Spall at the Sweeney Todd premiere and being featured on E! after waiting 10 hours in the cold and rain. Win?
Also got some shitty brown extensions. Hmmm.
February
I bought two adorable hooded rats, Burton and Ratty (my ex unimaginatively named that one). Sadly a couple of months later, Burtie ate Ratty, then died shortly after. It was pretty horrific.
This month also saw a slight change in hair colour (of course), lots of arguing with Alex about being on Suicide Girls, and a shitty Valentines Day involving me freaking out on the London Eye (I have a small fear about being over large areas of water).
Near the end of the month, he hacked into my SG account and we broke up for the first time ever.
I also started seeing a band called MyIQ, who will get another mention a bit later.
March
I quit SG in the hope that things would work with Alex if I made sacrifices for him But things didnt work out. Hed started using his fists, and I moved back home with my mum.
I dyed my hair jet black.
April
After getting back with Alex several times, only to break up again, I was struggling. He was sending dirty pictures to my friends, inviting girls over while I was at work, and hitting me. But every time something happened, he managed to persuade me to stay, and I fell for it every time because I loved him.
Im ashamed to say it, but I cheated on him with the guitarist from MyIQ. I was a total mess and couldnt see any other way out. I was weak, and pathetic. But it was what it was, and it put an end to a 2 and a half year relationship that I was too scared to end. I didnt want to be alone, but there I was, totally lost and confused. I had no idea who I was anymore.
I was falling apart.
May
I return to SG, as Wilona. Previously known as Spider, I had to change my alias since the guy I cheated on my ex with was nicknamed Spider and I didnt want to be constantly reminded of what I did.
I realise Ive lost a lot of friends since the break up, and think about moving to Brighton. I smoke weed with some guy who has a spare room, kick his arse at Guitar Hero and he offers me the flat there and then. I ended up not taking it because of money issues, and continued to live at home.
This was about the time I started partying excessively to take my mind off things.
One of the best nights of my life occurred in May partying backstage / on the tour bus with Zebrahead. I got totally wrecked, drank lots of free beer, lots of weed, and puked everywhere. Made out with the guitar tech, whose brother (the lead guitarist) looked after me all night with water and cuddles. Hard to describe such an epic night But it was simply brilliant.
June
I started to go downhill this month.
I wake up every morning in tears, wishing I'd have miraculously died in my sleep.
Every day is a battle, and I can't fight anymore.
Id stopped taking my anti-depressants because I couldnt afford the prescription, and not being with Alex was really getting to me. I totally lost it.
I made a promise to myself that Id give my life a week to prove to me that it was worth sticking around for, once the week was over, if it hadnt proved it, I was gone. I started stashing prescription painkillers and any other meds I could get my hands on in my drawers. Then my mum found them. Id never seen her so upset. She couldnt deal with what I was telling her. And after that I could never do that to her, or my family. Ive not thought about committing suicide since. I have my family to thank for a lot.
July
Tried being friends with Alex Ended up in bed with him. Not good. Decided to stop seeing each other for a while. Found this incredibly hard to deal with.
This month I got to meet the lovely Vermin, and dyed my hair dark red!
August
More hair changes (see below), a shitty self-shot set and I start to deal with getting over Alex. I meet a nice guy, who turns out to be an alcoholic and a total arse wipe. I kick him to the curb.
September
I start seeing Alex again, have a massive argument and lose it completely. I started self-harming again at this point, and bad. I finally see what hes doing to me and go back to dealing with the break up. A few weeks later I see him on webcam, looking almost skeletal, and ill. I feel bad for a few days, until I realise that its his drug addiction and the fact he doesnt eat because hed rather spend money on weed thats doing it to him, and not me.
I dress up as the Hitcher from The Mighty Boosh for a competition that I never get to enter.
I also dye my hair purple (my favourite colour by far) and get lots of partying in as I try to move on with my life.
October
This was the month everything started to change My time in SGUK chat increasing as the month goes on, Im soon in there every night doing stupid things on webcam and getting to know some really awesome people. And so Team Chat was born.
This was also the month I got to meet Tragique, after a spontaneous ZOMG LETS GO SEE PENDULUM outburst in chat one night. Twas the beginning of a very special friendship ^^
This month also saw more hair dye, and a big hair cut due to my hair falling out from all the bleach.
I also got to shoot my first set with a photographer with the lovely Miro and Socials house, which was ace.
November
This was without a doubt my favourite month of the year. November 1st saw my first SGUK meet, in Newcastle, one of my favourite places to be. I finally got to meet Ortus and Kintoun, amongst many other amazing SGUK folk, got totally wrecked and had one of the best nights of the year. People are still talking about that night...
The 4th was the day I turned 20, and got a Spiderman cake, amongst other things. On the weekend after my birthday, I went out for birthday drinks, and only one person stayed with me all night. That person was Snowy, a girl I had become friends with in chat but had never met in real life. She made my birthday awesome, and I thank her for that.
I got my first tattoo this month, and spent a lovely weekend up North with Ortus, who has also become a good friend I value very much.
December
Two words: Spook Meet. Adventuring in sub-zero temperatures and singing along to old songs with a tambourine actually made a pretty fun weekend away. It was also the first time that Team Chat came together in real life for the first time. And it was epic.
I also got to shoot a set in my kitchen with Snowy which you should get a glimpse of shortly.
December was mainly a month of growth for me, lots of struggles and learning curves, but Im starting the new year on a positive note this time.
Im feeling a lot better about myself, Im enjoying life a whole lot more and I have a group of friends who are absolutely amazing to me. They know who they are. When I was with my ex, I was never allowed to go out without him, but being single has given me the opportunity to spend time with people and nurture friendships, and I really have managed to meet some fucking awesome people this year. People that I've got a feeling will be in my heart for a long time.
This year has seen some huge changes in my life and a lot of heartbreak, but you know what? Im stronger than I was before. This year has made me who I am today. And Im ready to face 2009 with a little bit of kick-ass.
LETS DO IT.
