Okay, so I thought I'd take the time to explain what last night's incredibly vague blog was about...
The last couple weeks have been shit. Complete shit, to be totally honest with you. I'm having a really hard time coming off my anti-depressants, but I just want to know that I've tried. I don't want to be on them forever. Since coming off them, I've been very very down - I've been feeling crappy about the way I look, my job, my life... Everything. But nothing compares to how down I've been about my ex. Yes, I'm talking about that prick again, I know you must all be sick of it.
Last night's blog was about him. We've had a rocky week or so. I've tried telling him that I'm still in love with him and I've tried explaining how difficult I'm finding things, but he just doesn't care. It's all about him, it always is. It doesn't matter that I cry myself to sleep most nights, it doesn't matter that it feels like my heart is breaking all over again. If I ask him what's going on with him and another girl, he tells me it's none of my business, swears and shouts til I cry and leave him alone. Whereas every time he's gotten upset about other guys in MY life, I've been completely honest with him and been extremely considerate about it.
Friday night I went round and surprise surprise, we managed to start arguing by text before I even got there. His main concern wasn't the fact that I was crying my eyes out in his hallway, telling him that I just wish he could at least be civil and honest with me, nor the fact that I told him I didn't know how much longer I could continue this whole 'being friends' charade. His main concern was what his friends sitting in the living room thought of him. Apart from the fact that all I do these days is stress him out and piss him off.
I think the thing that made this whole thing worse was that hours before this argument I had been terribly upset, got myself into a complete state and self harmed properly for the first time in 5 months. I won't go into detail, but it wasn't very nice. He was the reason I did it. He doesn't know. But I cleaned myself up, put my best happy face on and went to his flat, because I wanted to see him.
Big mistake.
This whole thing has just made me realise that he isn't the guy I wanna be with anymore. Sure, I miss how things used to be, but they'd never be the same. He's changed. He's cruel, and inconsiderate, and mean. And maybe he's treating me that way because of what I did, but for fuck's sake, it was almost half a year ago and I've been punished enough. Anyone that reads my blogs knows how much I've gone through the past few months. He doesn't care about me anymore, no matter how many times he tells me he does, I know now it's complete bullshit. I can't make him happy anymore, and he can't make me happy anymore. I need to stop living in the past and accept that things have changed.
I guess I should be happy that I still have some nice memories of us when we were together. It makes it feel like maybe it wasn't a complete waste of 3 years.
I just wanted to get that out. Thanks for reading, if you did. I'm crying again now so I'm gonna watch some more Ugly Betty.
xxx
The last couple weeks have been shit. Complete shit, to be totally honest with you. I'm having a really hard time coming off my anti-depressants, but I just want to know that I've tried. I don't want to be on them forever. Since coming off them, I've been very very down - I've been feeling crappy about the way I look, my job, my life... Everything. But nothing compares to how down I've been about my ex. Yes, I'm talking about that prick again, I know you must all be sick of it.
Last night's blog was about him. We've had a rocky week or so. I've tried telling him that I'm still in love with him and I've tried explaining how difficult I'm finding things, but he just doesn't care. It's all about him, it always is. It doesn't matter that I cry myself to sleep most nights, it doesn't matter that it feels like my heart is breaking all over again. If I ask him what's going on with him and another girl, he tells me it's none of my business, swears and shouts til I cry and leave him alone. Whereas every time he's gotten upset about other guys in MY life, I've been completely honest with him and been extremely considerate about it.
Friday night I went round and surprise surprise, we managed to start arguing by text before I even got there. His main concern wasn't the fact that I was crying my eyes out in his hallway, telling him that I just wish he could at least be civil and honest with me, nor the fact that I told him I didn't know how much longer I could continue this whole 'being friends' charade. His main concern was what his friends sitting in the living room thought of him. Apart from the fact that all I do these days is stress him out and piss him off.
I think the thing that made this whole thing worse was that hours before this argument I had been terribly upset, got myself into a complete state and self harmed properly for the first time in 5 months. I won't go into detail, but it wasn't very nice. He was the reason I did it. He doesn't know. But I cleaned myself up, put my best happy face on and went to his flat, because I wanted to see him.
Big mistake.
This whole thing has just made me realise that he isn't the guy I wanna be with anymore. Sure, I miss how things used to be, but they'd never be the same. He's changed. He's cruel, and inconsiderate, and mean. And maybe he's treating me that way because of what I did, but for fuck's sake, it was almost half a year ago and I've been punished enough. Anyone that reads my blogs knows how much I've gone through the past few months. He doesn't care about me anymore, no matter how many times he tells me he does, I know now it's complete bullshit. I can't make him happy anymore, and he can't make me happy anymore. I need to stop living in the past and accept that things have changed.
I guess I should be happy that I still have some nice memories of us when we were together. It makes it feel like maybe it wasn't a complete waste of 3 years.
I just wanted to get that out. Thanks for reading, if you did. I'm crying again now so I'm gonna watch some more Ugly Betty.
xxx
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
I think most everyone here understands what you're talking about and has been through something similar.
I'd like to say bad things about him, but I don't know him or your situation first hand, so I'll just leave it at you guys don't seem to be well suited anymore, and moving on is probably the healthiest thing for you both.
As for the antidepressants...
Keep on them as long as you need. Before you can stop something like that, you really need to be in a stable place in life, but if things are still in disarray and you remove what's keeping you sane, things just seem that much worse.
I've just stopped taking medication for a panic disorder and depression because time and therapy have put me in a place I want to be and where I'm happy, and it's all working out right now.
That being said, I was on the meds for 5 years prior to this, and needed them just to leave the house most days.
There's no shame in keeping on the meds until you find something in your life or a new way of thinking that can replace their function.
Hell, there's no shame in staying on them for the rest of your life if you need them. There's people in my family that have been on a whole slew of antidepressants for the past 30 years, and they're not stopping any time soon.
Life is hard and nature didn't equip us all with adequate coping mechanisms, so those of the chemical variety are just fine with me.
Whoever did wrong, whoever is being cruel, it sounds like you two just need to get away from each other. If he could forgive you enough to be your friend then he can forgive you enough to be together, it just sounds like he can't.
Don't hang around to let him deal out cruel punishment. You deserve to be happy too.