I'm not feeling Christmas at all this year. I only realised it was the 23rd yesterday. And what that means. I've finished all my shopping, but i'm not even really sure what i bought people. Drawing a blank. I know i got Robocop and Rambo for my brother, but i can't recall anything else. I've decided to try and address some huge issues in my life through blogging. Get ready for a read, haha 
Thanks again everyone who's been there recently. I'm looking positively on all of this at the minute. Going back to my old type of blogs. Music and stuff.
My parents keep getting at me. Telling me to get off my computer the whole time. And it's pissing me off. At least once a day they ask me to think up something to do for the day. And i don't fuckin want to. They keep saying i have to hang out with real people. But... I don't get that. It's not like this is the Matrix or something. It might not be physical, face to face, interaction but it's just as valid. Video and audio are still perfectly valid if they're digitised. In my opinion anyway. If they had experience, they would know what i mean. But they don't, so they don't. They keep telling me to do stuff. It's not healthy to stay inside. Isolating yourself isn't the answer. But... Come on. I don't consider it isolation. I don't get what's so special about diving into the sea of faceless, nameless people and cheesy advertising? Every second person trying to hawk their wares? I don't like crowds. I can't stand them. All the noise, all the people, all the looking. It hurts my head. It really just makes me start to unravel.
And now they're ragging on my beard. They've been trying to get me to shave it for about a year now. Keep saying it's too messy or needs a big trim. Sorry. That's not happening peoples. I'll shave it when i'm good and ready. Which might not ever happen. I like it this way
Going out for me also brings up a tonne of other issues, how i'm perceived, treated, confidence, all that shit. I've tried "their" way of doing things, they being my folks, and it's gotten me nowhere. What makes joining the local populace at the communal feeding trough so special? Haha, ok that analogy was a bit crude; offensive even, joking though, for you social butterfly types. I'm not comfortable with going out in public i don't know very well. And even then it's still difficult. It's not the people i'm with i worry about, it's everyone else. In a way it's similar to the attention people get from having tattoos and piercings, except with an extra edge. The intelligence factor. I'm not even sure if i'll post this as a blog, because it's about a part of my life i never talk about. Writing in general seems to help things a bit, for some reason.
The social perception of a disabled person. I've run into a few people on this site who might understand what i mean. In my experience, that's all i can speak from, the general public, i mean all the people you run into in shopping centres and stuff, do not treat you normally. At all. They presume that because of the wheelchair, the occupant is incapable of normal human thought. They presume that physical disability is the same as mental disability. I know that it doesn't really matter what random people on the street think. I know it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks, besides myself. But it still gets to me. It still gets to me when 95% of the people i run into in the outside world treat me as a mental inferior. I know they mean well, and that they're just doing it to be on the safe side, to try and not offend, but it really gets to me.
I thought long hair and a beard, t-shirts with physics equations or Final Fantasy menus, a piercing in my upper ear and the word fuck repeated 52 times on a t-shirt would help. But it hasn't. And i'm sick of it. I'm sick of people talking down to me. Talking slowly and enunciating every syllable. When i go outside people say to themselves, maybe not consciously, to quote My Left Foot: Ya poor, unfortunate gobshite.. And go from there. They don't assume any other way. Regardless of everything i do, the majority of people will always think that. It might not seem like a big deal. Maybe i should be able to shrug it off, but i can't. It happens too much for me to be able to ignore. I've explained this to my parents but they never get it. It's been happening for 7 years straight now. Every time i go outside this happens at least once. Normally i have to go out with someone, so whenever i run into a situation where i have to talk, the cash desk or whatever, the cash desk person will direct all questions to the person i'm with. Would he like to use cash or card. He's right fucking here, thank you very much.
Ok. In the past short while it has gotten better. Since i've gotten to know some of the cash desk people it has gotten easier. I've been able to get across the point that i am actually capable of rational though. But whenever the staff changes it happens again. And having a speech impediment doesn't help things. I developed a speech impediment by the end of primary school, as a result of several long years. And it persists even today, nearly 11 years later. Doesn't help matters at all. I'm just sick of it, that's all. Why should i go outside, if, when i do i'm infantilised at every turn? By people who don't even know me.
This is one of four dangerous topics for me. One of the four major topics of discussion that sets me off, has been known to trigger a huge dark spiral in the past. But i'm trying to work through it. Think about it without getting down. Discuss it with a level head, while i have the opportunity to do so. This is also why i find the online world here so much easier to deal with. I don't have to rely on my physical self. I can express my mind the way i want to, which i can't really do out in the real world as my dad would say. I know i'm an intelligent person. I know that people would see that if they spoke to me. But it's the assumption i can't get past. The assumption that because my physical condition necessitates the usage of a wheelchair my brain must automatically also be affected. The problem is neurological, yes, but does not affect my cognitive function.
I'm not saying anything at all against people with mental disability. I can't say anything. I have no experience with that side of things, so i can't really comment. I suppose what i'm saying is that, i, personally, hate it when people presume a physical disability implies a mental one. And treat me differently as a result. I'm sure it's just an unconscious attempt to put me at ease, but it does quite the opposite. If you hear something often enough, you start to believe it yourself. It starts to filter into your brain and gets lodged there. If people tell you you're inadequate enough times, you start to believe it yourself. That, hey maybe they have a point. Why should i even bother trying if people ignore my attempts anyway? Regardless of what i do, people will still make that assumption about me.
There is one thing in particular i've found, in this vein, that bypasses the sad phase and sublimates directly into white-hot rage. This has only happened a few times. Maybe three or four instances i remember. I was on holiday a few years back. In Spain, with my family, traipsing through the markets. This was about 3 years ago, maybe a little more. I was looking at a few t-shirts, as you do, when a Spanish family walked by. Eating ice-cream or something. The young boy stopped and stared. Ok. I'm fine with that. I get that young children don't really understand, but the mother. That was a different matter. She grabbed her son and told him to move and then... Here's where i lost it. The woman touched her hand to her forehead, stomach, left shoulder and right shoulder and whispered to herself. She was praying. She was praying for me.
I don't know how you feel about religion, but i'm not into it. Understatement. I think somebody asking for supernatural help on my behalf is offensive. And to do it blatantly in front of someone. I know now that she perceived me as sick. Wishing me God's help. She may have intended it to be nice, but that is NOT how i saw it. I know Spain is traditionally a very religious country, but i don't think that has any relevance for how i reacted. I didn't say anything to the woman. I was stunned into silence (If anyone's familiar with Father Ted, it's exactly like when Ted kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse). What the hell can you say to that?! No thanks missus i'm alright?
This happened again only recently when i was in Galway. A woman passed me while i was in Burger King and thought it necessary to bless herself and say a prayer for me and my younger brother. I was too stunned, again, to do anything. And she got out of there pretty quickly. I'm pretty sure i would've thrown my Fanta at her. If she felt the need to do that, why fucking do it in front of me? Do that in the privacy of your own home please. She has no idea as to my religious orientation. She has no right to try and impose her beliefs on me. She probably didn't mean anything by it. Meant it as a gesture of sympathy. But i can't stand it. It riles me up, immediately. Like a cobra about to strike.
And it PISSES ME OFF. Big time. This is the smallest of my big four topics, so you can imagine how bad the other three get me. I'm not using exclamation marks, because i normally use them for comedic purposes. This is why this is one of my big topics. It hits me right in the stomach when i think of it. Just a gigantic lump. One of the motherlodes. And i start to think about it more. And i get more angry and more upset. Which then makes me think about it more. See where this is going? I have it under control this time, because i'm talking about it the way i want to. On my own terms i suppose.
It makes me feel cold. When it happens i run cold. A smile i might have will vanish instantly. And i just sink. Instead of getting angry like i should, i just sink. Thus is the nature of the big four. I can't control my reaction to them. Just this past few days i was assaulted with another two of them and i sort of lost it. Leaving myself to feel the brunt of it. Mentally and physically. I can't wait til the new meds kick in. Maybe they'll help with it happening in the future.
The past week or two has been a big Radiohead week. Never really listened to them before now, so i didn't realise how brilliant their songs were. These are my few favourites:
And Creedence of course:
Thanks again everyone who's been there recently. I'm looking positively on all of this at the minute. Going back to my old type of blogs. Music and stuff.
My parents keep getting at me. Telling me to get off my computer the whole time. And it's pissing me off. At least once a day they ask me to think up something to do for the day. And i don't fuckin want to. They keep saying i have to hang out with real people. But... I don't get that. It's not like this is the Matrix or something. It might not be physical, face to face, interaction but it's just as valid. Video and audio are still perfectly valid if they're digitised. In my opinion anyway. If they had experience, they would know what i mean. But they don't, so they don't. They keep telling me to do stuff. It's not healthy to stay inside. Isolating yourself isn't the answer. But... Come on. I don't consider it isolation. I don't get what's so special about diving into the sea of faceless, nameless people and cheesy advertising? Every second person trying to hawk their wares? I don't like crowds. I can't stand them. All the noise, all the people, all the looking. It hurts my head. It really just makes me start to unravel.
And now they're ragging on my beard. They've been trying to get me to shave it for about a year now. Keep saying it's too messy or needs a big trim. Sorry. That's not happening peoples. I'll shave it when i'm good and ready. Which might not ever happen. I like it this way
Going out for me also brings up a tonne of other issues, how i'm perceived, treated, confidence, all that shit. I've tried "their" way of doing things, they being my folks, and it's gotten me nowhere. What makes joining the local populace at the communal feeding trough so special? Haha, ok that analogy was a bit crude; offensive even, joking though, for you social butterfly types. I'm not comfortable with going out in public i don't know very well. And even then it's still difficult. It's not the people i'm with i worry about, it's everyone else. In a way it's similar to the attention people get from having tattoos and piercings, except with an extra edge. The intelligence factor. I'm not even sure if i'll post this as a blog, because it's about a part of my life i never talk about. Writing in general seems to help things a bit, for some reason.
The social perception of a disabled person. I've run into a few people on this site who might understand what i mean. In my experience, that's all i can speak from, the general public, i mean all the people you run into in shopping centres and stuff, do not treat you normally. At all. They presume that because of the wheelchair, the occupant is incapable of normal human thought. They presume that physical disability is the same as mental disability. I know that it doesn't really matter what random people on the street think. I know it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks, besides myself. But it still gets to me. It still gets to me when 95% of the people i run into in the outside world treat me as a mental inferior. I know they mean well, and that they're just doing it to be on the safe side, to try and not offend, but it really gets to me.
I thought long hair and a beard, t-shirts with physics equations or Final Fantasy menus, a piercing in my upper ear and the word fuck repeated 52 times on a t-shirt would help. But it hasn't. And i'm sick of it. I'm sick of people talking down to me. Talking slowly and enunciating every syllable. When i go outside people say to themselves, maybe not consciously, to quote My Left Foot: Ya poor, unfortunate gobshite.. And go from there. They don't assume any other way. Regardless of everything i do, the majority of people will always think that. It might not seem like a big deal. Maybe i should be able to shrug it off, but i can't. It happens too much for me to be able to ignore. I've explained this to my parents but they never get it. It's been happening for 7 years straight now. Every time i go outside this happens at least once. Normally i have to go out with someone, so whenever i run into a situation where i have to talk, the cash desk or whatever, the cash desk person will direct all questions to the person i'm with. Would he like to use cash or card. He's right fucking here, thank you very much.
Ok. In the past short while it has gotten better. Since i've gotten to know some of the cash desk people it has gotten easier. I've been able to get across the point that i am actually capable of rational though. But whenever the staff changes it happens again. And having a speech impediment doesn't help things. I developed a speech impediment by the end of primary school, as a result of several long years. And it persists even today, nearly 11 years later. Doesn't help matters at all. I'm just sick of it, that's all. Why should i go outside, if, when i do i'm infantilised at every turn? By people who don't even know me.
This is one of four dangerous topics for me. One of the four major topics of discussion that sets me off, has been known to trigger a huge dark spiral in the past. But i'm trying to work through it. Think about it without getting down. Discuss it with a level head, while i have the opportunity to do so. This is also why i find the online world here so much easier to deal with. I don't have to rely on my physical self. I can express my mind the way i want to, which i can't really do out in the real world as my dad would say. I know i'm an intelligent person. I know that people would see that if they spoke to me. But it's the assumption i can't get past. The assumption that because my physical condition necessitates the usage of a wheelchair my brain must automatically also be affected. The problem is neurological, yes, but does not affect my cognitive function.
I'm not saying anything at all against people with mental disability. I can't say anything. I have no experience with that side of things, so i can't really comment. I suppose what i'm saying is that, i, personally, hate it when people presume a physical disability implies a mental one. And treat me differently as a result. I'm sure it's just an unconscious attempt to put me at ease, but it does quite the opposite. If you hear something often enough, you start to believe it yourself. It starts to filter into your brain and gets lodged there. If people tell you you're inadequate enough times, you start to believe it yourself. That, hey maybe they have a point. Why should i even bother trying if people ignore my attempts anyway? Regardless of what i do, people will still make that assumption about me.
There is one thing in particular i've found, in this vein, that bypasses the sad phase and sublimates directly into white-hot rage. This has only happened a few times. Maybe three or four instances i remember. I was on holiday a few years back. In Spain, with my family, traipsing through the markets. This was about 3 years ago, maybe a little more. I was looking at a few t-shirts, as you do, when a Spanish family walked by. Eating ice-cream or something. The young boy stopped and stared. Ok. I'm fine with that. I get that young children don't really understand, but the mother. That was a different matter. She grabbed her son and told him to move and then... Here's where i lost it. The woman touched her hand to her forehead, stomach, left shoulder and right shoulder and whispered to herself. She was praying. She was praying for me.
I don't know how you feel about religion, but i'm not into it. Understatement. I think somebody asking for supernatural help on my behalf is offensive. And to do it blatantly in front of someone. I know now that she perceived me as sick. Wishing me God's help. She may have intended it to be nice, but that is NOT how i saw it. I know Spain is traditionally a very religious country, but i don't think that has any relevance for how i reacted. I didn't say anything to the woman. I was stunned into silence (If anyone's familiar with Father Ted, it's exactly like when Ted kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse). What the hell can you say to that?! No thanks missus i'm alright?
This happened again only recently when i was in Galway. A woman passed me while i was in Burger King and thought it necessary to bless herself and say a prayer for me and my younger brother. I was too stunned, again, to do anything. And she got out of there pretty quickly. I'm pretty sure i would've thrown my Fanta at her. If she felt the need to do that, why fucking do it in front of me? Do that in the privacy of your own home please. She has no idea as to my religious orientation. She has no right to try and impose her beliefs on me. She probably didn't mean anything by it. Meant it as a gesture of sympathy. But i can't stand it. It riles me up, immediately. Like a cobra about to strike.
And it PISSES ME OFF. Big time. This is the smallest of my big four topics, so you can imagine how bad the other three get me. I'm not using exclamation marks, because i normally use them for comedic purposes. This is why this is one of my big topics. It hits me right in the stomach when i think of it. Just a gigantic lump. One of the motherlodes. And i start to think about it more. And i get more angry and more upset. Which then makes me think about it more. See where this is going? I have it under control this time, because i'm talking about it the way i want to. On my own terms i suppose.
It makes me feel cold. When it happens i run cold. A smile i might have will vanish instantly. And i just sink. Instead of getting angry like i should, i just sink. Thus is the nature of the big four. I can't control my reaction to them. Just this past few days i was assaulted with another two of them and i sort of lost it. Leaving myself to feel the brunt of it. Mentally and physically. I can't wait til the new meds kick in. Maybe they'll help with it happening in the future.
The past week or two has been a big Radiohead week. Never really listened to them before now, so i didn't realise how brilliant their songs were. These are my few favourites:
And Creedence of course:
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
That is what I meant to say.
Now it's cleared-up, but for a sec., I thought "OOOOHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!"