wildseven

Well looks like it's that time again. New blog fever has me in it's harsh, unforgiving grip. The bad mood that was starting at the end of my last blog is long since gone, all the feelings of pointlessness only really lasted until the following afternoon, and sort of faded. I think i've been able to categorise all the moods i seem to go through. Throughout the past week, i've had a clearer head than normal, so i was able to sort out some stuff.

Only now that clearheadedness is on it's way out. Earlier today i heard a song. Just a certain song, but some combination of notes or lyrics did something to me, and just flipped something in my brain. As near as i can tell i have 4 different spikes of mood. This is the, lesser-visited, fourth one. The one where everyone else seems to be happy. With their vivid, exciting romantic lives. Completely unlike mine. It's not so much depression just more painful, stupid, hopelessness. And mopey-ness. You know the one where it all just seems sad. Not so much anger or disappointment, just lack of fulfilment. And it just makes me conscious of how much i have yet to do. How hard it will be to find someone. And how short time is

As i mentioned in my last blog, today i had a hospital appointment. Basically the neurologist did not give a crap. Asked me if everything was ok. I said yes, and she tried to make me leave. Haha. Fancy letting me get a word in edgeways please?! So i asked her about the depression. All the shitty moods i've had that are getting deeper and more frequent. So now i have a fourth prescription to add to my list. I'm not one of the people that tries to flaunt the fact that they need medication (you'd be very surprised how many there are) so i don't really want to divulge a whole lot more, but i'm on it for a six month trial period, just to see if it helps.

he main thing about the mood i'm in right now, is that it's much, much harder to get rid of. Messes up all my thoughts too. Makes it very hard to stick to a certain topic, and even harder to concentrate on it. So this blog is going to be all over the place.

Just today i posted off my entry letter to the SG PenPals group. So hopefully it will all go smoothly after this. I've never really had the chance to interact with someone via post before. That's one thing in particular i never got to experience. That type of connection with someone

And once again the pangs break out, from thinking about seemingly innocuous things. This is a rare mood. Haven't had it since my second last year in secondary school. Just every single thing/person/couple reminds me of what i don't have, what i never will have. The first time this happened was because of a song too. Heard it on some teen film a few years back and realised that i hadn't seen it before. This iconic film, that every teenager had seen, except me. And it all just hit. Nearly every single other person i knew had a happy relationship, or some temporary companionship with someone else.

So for the past few days i've been playing the new Call of Duty, and i think it's brilliant. I know some people have said they don't like it, but i think it's a seriously fun game. Online play is pretty much the shit. Levelling up is much easier, and there are far more options to customise. Makes the whole game easier to play, and makes it more interesting. Personally i don't think i'll ever get to try out the Nuke killstreak reward, but i'm interested to see what it does... Anyone gotten that far yet?

So the song was Bittersweet Symphony. Don't know why it struck me as sad, or depressing, or whatever you want to call it. But it did. And that time the mood stuck with me for three months. Three long, miserable months, which were very dark. Very, very dark. I'm hoping this time it won't be anything like that. And this time my tastes have changed. This time it was Her Eyes Are a Blue Million Miles. From the Big Lebowski soundtrack. Can't find a video of it... But it was partially this song and partially the Pink Floyd ones below. All in rapid succession, really took me out

so i've decided to start reading again. Properly reading. I stopped reading about the start of college because the workload was so intense. But i'm gonna take it up again. I've got a load of books lined up, but i don't know where to start. I've vowed to read the Bible, the Qur'an and the Torah at some stage. I think commenting on religions i don't know a whole lot about isn't the way to do things. If i want to be able to argue cogently and compitently on the subject of religion, i should at least have a good idea of what i'm arguing against. I'll even try reading some of the other religious documents i can get my hands on. I have very little real information on religions outside the three Abrahamic religions i mentioned above. I'm a little ashamed of the amount of knowledge i'm lacking when it comes to religion. I'm still steadfast, and will remain steadfast in my beliefs, but i think i need more experience in the field

You know when all of a sudden you just get caught completely off-guard by random memories. I looked up after finishing that paragraph and saw a pen pot on top of my bookshelf. And it all came flooding back. About 4 years ago i was helping a girl i liked paint a notice-board (no seriously, that's what happened) and we had a great chat. I was heading out of the school as usual, when i saw her walking home hand in hand with her boyfriend. That's the type of fucking mood this is... Some of the time anyway. You know the ones where you feel happy for people in their happiness, but also you feel like an empty wreck. The mood where you want to eat ice-cream. Non-stop, for about a week. Lethargy soon follows. Pursued closely by inability to function

I'm trying to figure out right now, how to effectively organise what i want to do with my life. After this year of college. Next april, what will i do. The idea is America, but i've done a lot of thinking about it. I've taken on board what my family have to say, and in certain ways they're right. To take my first real trip to a city across the Atlantic Ocean is madness. I'm assuming that nothing will go wrong, with is a pretty stupid thing to do. So i'm going to use the Manchester trip as a test. Just to see if a trip away can be done. Probably around February, i think there's a bank holiday then

And her comes the inevitable afterthought of February. You know what i'm fuckin talking about. The most miserable, disgustingly capitalist excuse for a holiday, ever created. Never has a bigger crock of shit been thought up. But. Yes, there's a but. That doesn't stop it from making you feel like a complete and utter miserable failure, when you see the hype some people make about it. How happy it makes them. I know i'm sounding like an embittered grumpy bastard here, but it's the fuckin truth

I've recently been thinking about what i could possibly write about, that i would be able to fill a proper short story format. So i'm thinking of the normal route. A random story about nothing really in particular. You're not sure if it's ended or not, but it wasn't disappointing.

it's embarrassing when somebody asks you the time, you check it on your watch or phone, tell them the time, then realise it's wrong. Infinitely more embarrassing if it's someone you feel nervous around. Yes that happened today

So i finish up classes next friday. Until january. I'll be so glad to finish up in that place and be able to do what i want for a while, without being dragged down every day! And it just so happens to coincide with my hopeful reception into PenPals group. Let's see how it goes

i'm done with this blog for today. Can't think of anything else to write. My whole brain's in tatters right now. I can't concentrate the way i want, and i'm cold

Bit quiet on the music front this week. Nothing seems quite right