first things first: Rosh Hashanah to any Jewish people, and Happy End of Ramadan (tomorrow) if you're Muslim.
okay. for some reason i'm really pissed off. and i'm not entirely sure why. my life's been going well, comparatively, for today anyway. but i still have the constant urge to tell people to shut the fuck up, not to look anywhere near me. and i haven't a clue why! it's ridiculous. every single thing anyone does angers me almost to the point of inarticulation. i can't describe it. it's like having both my stomach and brain boiling over with a thick soup of red. just angry red. every single thing i think about just gets me either white-hot with anger, or disturbingly close to tears. every single insignificant thing seems to blow my semblance of sanity to pieces. the past few days i've been having loads of dreams for the first time in many years. all of a sudden i seem to browse a catalogue of the worst and best moments in my life. over and over. then i wake up completely un-tired, just there. existing. wondering if there's any real point to it all. last night for example.
i dreamed of a friend who died a few months ago. 19 years old. i'd known this guy for 11 years and one day i heard he'd been taken to hospital. the next, his funeral was being planned. this is pretty much when i became a devout atheist. the whole time during the ceremony i was wondering "did he actually believe this stuff, or was this just to appease his family" and that got me thinking. i realised i was just playing along with the agnostic thing because of my religious background. my mam's side is deeply religious and i just don't get it. anyway back to the dream. i dreamt i went to another funeral, except it was him again. it's gotten a bit fuzzy now, but it was basically the same as the real one. except it was sunny out and it was MUCH more depressing, i was huddled in the corner. i woke up straight after convinced i was actually there. the same overwhelming sadness was cinched tight around the bottom of my stomach. i could hardly talk.
another dream. during primary school, i was about 12, i used to hang around with this girl called amy. of course i liked her, but that only really came up once. for months i just kept quiet. i'd dream about her a lot. nothing to do with sex, just nice stuff. i'd fix her hair and she'd say thanks. and i'd just feel good. nothing sexual about it. it was my first real, and only, intimate relationship. but this was only in my dream. we were best friends and the perfect couple. just romantic, and we liked each other. but this was only in my dream. in real life we were friends. and she would go out of her way to prove herself as a woman. i was the go-to friend.
back then the biggest thing was kissing someone. my original dream series ended with a climax. a fucking terrbile climax. i kissed her at last. on the tarmac of my friend's garden. we were sitting in a big circle of friends and it just felt right. in real life she was experienced and i seemed to think i had disappointed her in this dream. i said "i'm sorry" then woke up. even in my own dream, my own fantasy i felt rejected. i had this dream over and over for about a month. and now i'm having it again. the same rush of inadaquecy, pain, and total sadness. and most importantly: anger. extreme anger toward everything. my ridiculous self-pitying attitude, how she could go around kissing older guys, why i was such a failure. red-hot rage.
but this original funk ended when i was ambushed by my need to use a wheelchair. it sort of took a back seat at the time (hehe, excuse the pun). but all the shit is coming back up. my life now feels like the end result of clearing a backlogged toilet. but it's been worse before, and i've rarely felt this angry. depression and all that shit, but never outright anger before!
my last dream, that i remember anyway, is the real kicker. it's actually a good dream. my life is perfect. i have a dream girlfriend. she's nice and she likes me, we don't have to talk to each other because we're comfortable. we do all the stuff we like. we have everything in common, there's no need for external stimuli. we have each other and live together with a dog. a huskie. but then i wake up. and the tonne of shit comes crushing down again. i don't realise it's a dream til the very end. every time. i just don't think, that maybe this could be a dream. and we're watching some bad horror film. i see her hair fall past her ear after she shrieks at the least scary part and it all starts to dissolve. the ideal life. and i've to wake up again. and i just exist. wondering if it's all worth it. over and over. nearly every morning. i think this is why i'm angry. to even out how depressed i sometimes get, after these episodes. only about three days long. first depression, then anger.
it's not directed at anyone, or for any reason but it keeps spewing out like mental and verbal vomit. everything just burns with huge intensity for a few seconds, but then fades. kind of like a variable star. i'm sorry but this is the most apt example i can think of! this star acts like a lighthouse. it spins extremely fast and at certain points in it's period it has a HUGE increase of radiation output. a gigantic flush of intense radiation, blares like a torch lit when Indiana Jones first enters a tomb. i rush of intense anger that makes me upset afterwards. oh and by the way if i wasn't a little drunk i probably would never have written this. but i hope to have it posted before i begin to think it's a bad idea
okay. for some reason i'm really pissed off. and i'm not entirely sure why. my life's been going well, comparatively, for today anyway. but i still have the constant urge to tell people to shut the fuck up, not to look anywhere near me. and i haven't a clue why! it's ridiculous. every single thing anyone does angers me almost to the point of inarticulation. i can't describe it. it's like having both my stomach and brain boiling over with a thick soup of red. just angry red. every single thing i think about just gets me either white-hot with anger, or disturbingly close to tears. every single insignificant thing seems to blow my semblance of sanity to pieces. the past few days i've been having loads of dreams for the first time in many years. all of a sudden i seem to browse a catalogue of the worst and best moments in my life. over and over. then i wake up completely un-tired, just there. existing. wondering if there's any real point to it all. last night for example.
i dreamed of a friend who died a few months ago. 19 years old. i'd known this guy for 11 years and one day i heard he'd been taken to hospital. the next, his funeral was being planned. this is pretty much when i became a devout atheist. the whole time during the ceremony i was wondering "did he actually believe this stuff, or was this just to appease his family" and that got me thinking. i realised i was just playing along with the agnostic thing because of my religious background. my mam's side is deeply religious and i just don't get it. anyway back to the dream. i dreamt i went to another funeral, except it was him again. it's gotten a bit fuzzy now, but it was basically the same as the real one. except it was sunny out and it was MUCH more depressing, i was huddled in the corner. i woke up straight after convinced i was actually there. the same overwhelming sadness was cinched tight around the bottom of my stomach. i could hardly talk.
another dream. during primary school, i was about 12, i used to hang around with this girl called amy. of course i liked her, but that only really came up once. for months i just kept quiet. i'd dream about her a lot. nothing to do with sex, just nice stuff. i'd fix her hair and she'd say thanks. and i'd just feel good. nothing sexual about it. it was my first real, and only, intimate relationship. but this was only in my dream. we were best friends and the perfect couple. just romantic, and we liked each other. but this was only in my dream. in real life we were friends. and she would go out of her way to prove herself as a woman. i was the go-to friend.
back then the biggest thing was kissing someone. my original dream series ended with a climax. a fucking terrbile climax. i kissed her at last. on the tarmac of my friend's garden. we were sitting in a big circle of friends and it just felt right. in real life she was experienced and i seemed to think i had disappointed her in this dream. i said "i'm sorry" then woke up. even in my own dream, my own fantasy i felt rejected. i had this dream over and over for about a month. and now i'm having it again. the same rush of inadaquecy, pain, and total sadness. and most importantly: anger. extreme anger toward everything. my ridiculous self-pitying attitude, how she could go around kissing older guys, why i was such a failure. red-hot rage.
but this original funk ended when i was ambushed by my need to use a wheelchair. it sort of took a back seat at the time (hehe, excuse the pun). but all the shit is coming back up. my life now feels like the end result of clearing a backlogged toilet. but it's been worse before, and i've rarely felt this angry. depression and all that shit, but never outright anger before!
my last dream, that i remember anyway, is the real kicker. it's actually a good dream. my life is perfect. i have a dream girlfriend. she's nice and she likes me, we don't have to talk to each other because we're comfortable. we do all the stuff we like. we have everything in common, there's no need for external stimuli. we have each other and live together with a dog. a huskie. but then i wake up. and the tonne of shit comes crushing down again. i don't realise it's a dream til the very end. every time. i just don't think, that maybe this could be a dream. and we're watching some bad horror film. i see her hair fall past her ear after she shrieks at the least scary part and it all starts to dissolve. the ideal life. and i've to wake up again. and i just exist. wondering if it's all worth it. over and over. nearly every morning. i think this is why i'm angry. to even out how depressed i sometimes get, after these episodes. only about three days long. first depression, then anger.
it's not directed at anyone, or for any reason but it keeps spewing out like mental and verbal vomit. everything just burns with huge intensity for a few seconds, but then fades. kind of like a variable star. i'm sorry but this is the most apt example i can think of! this star acts like a lighthouse. it spins extremely fast and at certain points in it's period it has a HUGE increase of radiation output. a gigantic flush of intense radiation, blares like a torch lit when Indiana Jones first enters a tomb. i rush of intense anger that makes me upset afterwards. oh and by the way if i wasn't a little drunk i probably would never have written this. but i hope to have it posted before i begin to think it's a bad idea
xbevisx:
Dude, gimme a shout if you need to talk anything out, ok?