on the question of the unattainable
(a reply)
this weekend, something fundamental to my character and my personal interpretation of the world was brought into question. the question brought me pause, and that in itself called for examination, introspection. for the better half of the weekend, it's pretty much what i've done. as i ran through various errands and my usual routine, it stuck in the back of my mind and there something unconscious wrestled with it. the following is a small assessment of that struggle, and i suppose it could be of interest - if not in a dry, detached sense (for example, the casual observer stumbling across my writing for the first time), but perhaps someone more acquainted with my style and thereabouts will gather some new knowledge about me. we'll just have to see.
that entire paragraph was very french. in fact, i think when i go to sleep tonight, i'm still going to be hearing the yawns of a hundred random readers.
the struggle here is about my deeply rooted desire for the unattainable. in the particular catalyst, my ongoing experiment to form relationships with "unattainable" women. who are these "unattainable" women? i have two primary people that come to mind. the first is a lovely, free soul who will spontaneously litter me with affection. she shines with intelligence, sincerity, and punctuates it all with an amazing sense of vitality. it seems like for her, there isn't a moment that isn't full of vitality and wonder. all this aside, i think she's married. whether or not this is true, somehow it doesn't matter - she's "unattainable" to me in either case, by these and other traits that are supposed to put her beyond my reach.
the second is currently my best friend's pursuit. something in the way she looks at me and reacts to me tells me a story that i want to follow when i'm around her. of course i'm attracted to her qualities of intelligence and affection. she's willing to go out into the world and enjoy the discovery process. currently, i'm unable to tell if she's incredibly shy around me (indicating that she knows that i know) - or she's being apprehensive about the entire situation (as it becomes complicated with my best friend involved). so perhaps, just the combination of circumstance also render her "unattainable".
let's tear that word apart, "unattainable." in the context of relationships, it means that i'm in pursuit of a relationship with a woman where such a state is impossible. in the case of the former, she could possibly be married and i'm completely misjudging her flirting. maybe i'm taking it to an illogical conclusion about how she may feel about me. then again, she is not stopping me from writing her a little novel. unless she realizes it or not, writing for her is a complete act of intimacy on my part - something of me that's meant for her. but i'm getting distracted. for her to be unattainable, this means a relationship is impossible, no matter what i do or what happens in the fabric of the universe. i don't know her relationship with her supposed husband. i don't understand the dynamic we share when she flirts with me. unattainable seems to imply, that even if i continue pursuit, i'm going to fail. this notion of failure, mystifies me. relationships fail all the time, whether or not they were attainable in the first place. ideally, if i can be intimate with this person through my writing (and nothing more) than the relationship is a success and it need not destroy whatever other relationships she has with others. that itself makes the pursuit worthwhile.
in the latter case, i don't know where that is heading at all. perhaps it is enough to form into something else, or perhaps she is apprehensive and will end up with my best friend. in either case, i don't see emotional problems. both my friend and i would be pleased with either outcome. we're of the same mindset - no matter what the girl decides, we're all on the same page. to not even know where she stands at this point, really kind of makes the discussion of whether it's attainable or not moot. i just have to see what happens there.
so, what's "attainable"? i suppose there's a certain element of opportunism when presented this way, and implies the "attainable" relationship is a sure thing and not subject to failure. what makes someone "attainable"? is this person going to sleep with me simply because she wants to? simply because, given the circumstances, i can actually be with her? that i can date this person because they've got nothing better to do?
my experience with "attainable" women has been spotty and mostly miserable. i've been an indulgence to their impulse, and then discarded in boredom. i've been in states approaching celibacy and been driven wild to just be with the next person that came along. i've been sick of loneliness and found refuge in the arms of the person that held them out. frankly, i don't want this anymore. it seems like "attainable" is tainted with this pathology, either on my part of hers. i don't want pathology - i want sincerity, and spiritual growth. it doesn't make sense to be with someone who has issues or is simple convinient.
so i'm going to posit that i'm doomed to pursue these "unattainable" women. otherwise, i don't feel the worth of realizing such a relationship. i don't find someone on my level - i end up where i've been before: somebody's flotation device in their own personal shipwreck. it's not satisfying to be a dynamic individual, and have to settle for someone devoid of passion or swamped in their desperation.
at this point, i would prefer to exercise intimacy in non-physical ways with someone who would be worth the time and effort of the conversation, rather than randomly sleep with the willing. i have more to gain in spirit from connecting with someone in a meaningful way that to simply have a warm body next to me when i wake up in the morning. it no longer satisfies me, and reduces me pitiful to boot.
the "unattainable" is what i want to attain. nothing short of it. i say this without invoking my ego (hopefully), but it's a more sincere and directed expression of desire. only the "unattainable" put a fire in my heart and make me want to be alive. that's why i continue to pursue such women. anything less, and i'm cheating myself and everything i stand for.
(a reply)
this weekend, something fundamental to my character and my personal interpretation of the world was brought into question. the question brought me pause, and that in itself called for examination, introspection. for the better half of the weekend, it's pretty much what i've done. as i ran through various errands and my usual routine, it stuck in the back of my mind and there something unconscious wrestled with it. the following is a small assessment of that struggle, and i suppose it could be of interest - if not in a dry, detached sense (for example, the casual observer stumbling across my writing for the first time), but perhaps someone more acquainted with my style and thereabouts will gather some new knowledge about me. we'll just have to see.
that entire paragraph was very french. in fact, i think when i go to sleep tonight, i'm still going to be hearing the yawns of a hundred random readers.
the struggle here is about my deeply rooted desire for the unattainable. in the particular catalyst, my ongoing experiment to form relationships with "unattainable" women. who are these "unattainable" women? i have two primary people that come to mind. the first is a lovely, free soul who will spontaneously litter me with affection. she shines with intelligence, sincerity, and punctuates it all with an amazing sense of vitality. it seems like for her, there isn't a moment that isn't full of vitality and wonder. all this aside, i think she's married. whether or not this is true, somehow it doesn't matter - she's "unattainable" to me in either case, by these and other traits that are supposed to put her beyond my reach.
the second is currently my best friend's pursuit. something in the way she looks at me and reacts to me tells me a story that i want to follow when i'm around her. of course i'm attracted to her qualities of intelligence and affection. she's willing to go out into the world and enjoy the discovery process. currently, i'm unable to tell if she's incredibly shy around me (indicating that she knows that i know) - or she's being apprehensive about the entire situation (as it becomes complicated with my best friend involved). so perhaps, just the combination of circumstance also render her "unattainable".
let's tear that word apart, "unattainable." in the context of relationships, it means that i'm in pursuit of a relationship with a woman where such a state is impossible. in the case of the former, she could possibly be married and i'm completely misjudging her flirting. maybe i'm taking it to an illogical conclusion about how she may feel about me. then again, she is not stopping me from writing her a little novel. unless she realizes it or not, writing for her is a complete act of intimacy on my part - something of me that's meant for her. but i'm getting distracted. for her to be unattainable, this means a relationship is impossible, no matter what i do or what happens in the fabric of the universe. i don't know her relationship with her supposed husband. i don't understand the dynamic we share when she flirts with me. unattainable seems to imply, that even if i continue pursuit, i'm going to fail. this notion of failure, mystifies me. relationships fail all the time, whether or not they were attainable in the first place. ideally, if i can be intimate with this person through my writing (and nothing more) than the relationship is a success and it need not destroy whatever other relationships she has with others. that itself makes the pursuit worthwhile.
in the latter case, i don't know where that is heading at all. perhaps it is enough to form into something else, or perhaps she is apprehensive and will end up with my best friend. in either case, i don't see emotional problems. both my friend and i would be pleased with either outcome. we're of the same mindset - no matter what the girl decides, we're all on the same page. to not even know where she stands at this point, really kind of makes the discussion of whether it's attainable or not moot. i just have to see what happens there.
so, what's "attainable"? i suppose there's a certain element of opportunism when presented this way, and implies the "attainable" relationship is a sure thing and not subject to failure. what makes someone "attainable"? is this person going to sleep with me simply because she wants to? simply because, given the circumstances, i can actually be with her? that i can date this person because they've got nothing better to do?
my experience with "attainable" women has been spotty and mostly miserable. i've been an indulgence to their impulse, and then discarded in boredom. i've been in states approaching celibacy and been driven wild to just be with the next person that came along. i've been sick of loneliness and found refuge in the arms of the person that held them out. frankly, i don't want this anymore. it seems like "attainable" is tainted with this pathology, either on my part of hers. i don't want pathology - i want sincerity, and spiritual growth. it doesn't make sense to be with someone who has issues or is simple convinient.
so i'm going to posit that i'm doomed to pursue these "unattainable" women. otherwise, i don't feel the worth of realizing such a relationship. i don't find someone on my level - i end up where i've been before: somebody's flotation device in their own personal shipwreck. it's not satisfying to be a dynamic individual, and have to settle for someone devoid of passion or swamped in their desperation.
at this point, i would prefer to exercise intimacy in non-physical ways with someone who would be worth the time and effort of the conversation, rather than randomly sleep with the willing. i have more to gain in spirit from connecting with someone in a meaningful way that to simply have a warm body next to me when i wake up in the morning. it no longer satisfies me, and reduces me pitiful to boot.
the "unattainable" is what i want to attain. nothing short of it. i say this without invoking my ego (hopefully), but it's a more sincere and directed expression of desire. only the "unattainable" put a fire in my heart and make me want to be alive. that's why i continue to pursue such women. anything less, and i'm cheating myself and everything i stand for.
hasselhoff:
That was a fine bottle of tequila sir. Thank you very much.