aye. the signal lost - vanished last month as quickly as it was recieved. pensive. struggling. trying to remember to use less "i" in my writing. so sick of it. forcing its misuse - and often hilarious constructs are brought forth. plagued. distraught.
sea cows, please stay away. your nomenclature is not welcome here. there is a preference - and that's to just simply stop and be.
it feels impossible to ignore the loneliness. days come and go. nothing changes. the pizza crust rots on the counter. the miller bottles trapped in the trash bucket, tenuously holding on.
in the past few days, that just below the surface has been explored. that 'me' just under the skin and waiting. it's not an interesting place, sadly. in that void, there is freedom from future and thus, freedom from much of the anxiety, doubts, trouble.
but it's so god-damned hollow in there. the problem is that it is a void. letting go completely. severing the connection to the outside. it feels like a very, very false sense of peace and security. to inhabit that void is to feel as if life itself is being cheated. not in a good way. in the sense that the problems vanish but so does the ambition, the yearning, and the love.
there's this adamant pursuit of love - and there's a strong resentment when it has to be considered merely a sum of various mental noise.
is that the price to pay for giving up on answers in the future and past? perhaps the thinking has been wrong all along. perhaps love is just as foul of an emotion as deep depression, worry, and loathing.
there's a clarification to be made, here. the loneliness that affects my day to day existence has nothing to do with anyone else. it is one matter to feel lonely because human contact is missing, it's quite another to be lonely amongst others. i'm lonely when i inhabit that inside me. more alone than outside of it. deeply unconnected.
what an impossible dream: to wake up and stop feeling this way.
sea cows, please stay away. your nomenclature is not welcome here. there is a preference - and that's to just simply stop and be.
it feels impossible to ignore the loneliness. days come and go. nothing changes. the pizza crust rots on the counter. the miller bottles trapped in the trash bucket, tenuously holding on.
in the past few days, that just below the surface has been explored. that 'me' just under the skin and waiting. it's not an interesting place, sadly. in that void, there is freedom from future and thus, freedom from much of the anxiety, doubts, trouble.
but it's so god-damned hollow in there. the problem is that it is a void. letting go completely. severing the connection to the outside. it feels like a very, very false sense of peace and security. to inhabit that void is to feel as if life itself is being cheated. not in a good way. in the sense that the problems vanish but so does the ambition, the yearning, and the love.
there's this adamant pursuit of love - and there's a strong resentment when it has to be considered merely a sum of various mental noise.
is that the price to pay for giving up on answers in the future and past? perhaps the thinking has been wrong all along. perhaps love is just as foul of an emotion as deep depression, worry, and loathing.
there's a clarification to be made, here. the loneliness that affects my day to day existence has nothing to do with anyone else. it is one matter to feel lonely because human contact is missing, it's quite another to be lonely amongst others. i'm lonely when i inhabit that inside me. more alone than outside of it. deeply unconnected.
what an impossible dream: to wake up and stop feeling this way.