What a hellish day today has been. If you live in Kansas City then you know what I mean. We had a really nice snow today. And what would be normally a 15 min drive from one part of town to another took me over two hours. I had dreamed of having a night of movie watching for myself, but my ex ( sons mom ) had a family emergency in Des Moines and had no choice but to go. So I took on the little man tonight. ( we are doing forced poddy training at the moment and it is truely working. He is doing great with it) anyway....my ex's cousin had a baby right after Christmas...I guess that last night she had just breast feed him and was getting him ready for bed and he died in her arms. ( i don't know the whole story. this is just as it has been told to me) he had only gained one ounce since birth so there was probably something wrong. This was a second child for her. Truely sad.
As a parent you sometimes think of what would happen, or what you would do if your own child were to die. How will you cope. Will you cope.
I can not imagine life with out my son. He is my world. Because of him I have changed all that I was. I finally have dreams for myself that I want to have happen.
The other night I had a nightmare in which I was being carjacked. I remember in the dream begging the man not to shot me because I did not want my son to be without me. Because I have worked so hard to be a good father that I did not want it to be all for nothing. And because of my guilt.
When Cam's mom was pregnant we began to have a lot of problems. We weren't communicating any more. My way of dealling with that and my fears of fatherhood was to bury myself in my drug addiction further. I have used one form or another of drugs since i was 12. And I started off with hash and opium. ( i grew up in Saudi Arabia ) once I moved back tot the states I down graded to pot and speed...then LSD....and coke. When Cam's was born I had my own place and a $300 a day coke habit. The night he was born I was having a party and had just taken 5 valium to chill the coke. Cam came two weeks early. His mom called and said her water had broke. This was at 11 at night. Off I rushed. I managed to stay awake all night. He did not come out until 11 the next morning. I moved back in with in days. But by this point I had done two much "wrong". We could have fixed it all. Maybe. If we had done counceling. I found someone else by the time Cam was 6 months. He is now three and I am with the same person. Life is hard. We all make bad choices. We have to live with these choices we make. And we have to help the people our choices effect sometimes.
So...remember...your life may not be as bad as other. Someone somewhere always has i worse.
I have to put my mistakes behind me. I can not be the person I once was. I want and hope that my son will grow up to be more than me. More than all of us. I am just a proud dad. And if I am never anything more than that...then that is fine.
As a parent you sometimes think of what would happen, or what you would do if your own child were to die. How will you cope. Will you cope.
I can not imagine life with out my son. He is my world. Because of him I have changed all that I was. I finally have dreams for myself that I want to have happen.
The other night I had a nightmare in which I was being carjacked. I remember in the dream begging the man not to shot me because I did not want my son to be without me. Because I have worked so hard to be a good father that I did not want it to be all for nothing. And because of my guilt.
When Cam's mom was pregnant we began to have a lot of problems. We weren't communicating any more. My way of dealling with that and my fears of fatherhood was to bury myself in my drug addiction further. I have used one form or another of drugs since i was 12. And I started off with hash and opium. ( i grew up in Saudi Arabia ) once I moved back tot the states I down graded to pot and speed...then LSD....and coke. When Cam's was born I had my own place and a $300 a day coke habit. The night he was born I was having a party and had just taken 5 valium to chill the coke. Cam came two weeks early. His mom called and said her water had broke. This was at 11 at night. Off I rushed. I managed to stay awake all night. He did not come out until 11 the next morning. I moved back in with in days. But by this point I had done two much "wrong". We could have fixed it all. Maybe. If we had done counceling. I found someone else by the time Cam was 6 months. He is now three and I am with the same person. Life is hard. We all make bad choices. We have to live with these choices we make. And we have to help the people our choices effect sometimes.
So...remember...your life may not be as bad as other. Someone somewhere always has i worse.
I have to put my mistakes behind me. I can not be the person I once was. I want and hope that my son will grow up to be more than me. More than all of us. I am just a proud dad. And if I am never anything more than that...then that is fine.