i think i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i'm not sure if it's something i can stop. feels like a run away train at this point. not even sure if i wanna stop it. i've always been the strong, sensible, responsible person. right now i just wanna be reckless. its sort of snowballing too. it started with little things, like not taking out my trash, not doing the dishes. now i've given up on grocery shopping. i havent eaten a healthy meal in weeks. i eat something for lunch during the day at work and thats about it. my apartment is starting to smell funk-e. horrible. i even have piles of clothes all over my room. this may not seem like much, but if you new me, you'd worry. i'm usually a compulsive neet freak. i've also taken up smoking. now this is fucked, becuase i'm 28 years old and NEVER smoked cigarettes. in fact, i usually try to get the people i know to quit. but last weekend i smoked a clove, this weekend i smoke several. and i almost went out and bought a pack. then there's the drinking. like 4 nights a week. i've over drawn on my bank account about 5 times. i slept with a complete stranger for no apparent reason other than i wanted to fuck. and it was totally dissapointing. i wake up with the shakes. i get random bouts of debilitating nausea. and i cry. alot. i saw a worm on the sidewalk this morning. half of it was smashed down by some assholes shoe. the other half was struggling to get free. i wanted to cut it free. i kept walking and started crying. i'm not making this up. but i feel like that worm. half of me is broken, the other half wants to be free. i cant figure this out. i keep telling myself to call the doctor and make an appointment. and i dont. if i can see what's happening, why dont i try to stop it. i'm going crazy and i like it. i want to hurt. i want to be fucked up. i want to be broken. i dont want to be strong and brave any more. and i want to be rescued. but no one is going to save me. i'm alone. i have to save myself. but i dont know if i can this time.
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There were piles of laundry all over the place, piles of towels in the bathroom, no clean dishes in my flat, no food, etc. But you know what? You wake up one morning and you pick up one piece of clothing, wash one dish and you feel inspired by that and proud that you did that little bit. And you pick up another and you find yourseld doing a load of laundry, and before you know it all the dishes are done, and the fucking bed is even made and etc. It's almost important to go throught these little weeks of shit. They make the "normal" time that much more fun and enjoyable. I know what prompted this in you since we spoke about it, and I understand why if feels good, because I felt the same way. Just don't give up, you will get back to normal, people do love you, you have friends, and life will go on. I care about you, and you know where to find me if you need to talk. xoxo
(edited cuz I can't type)
[Edited on Mar 29, 2004 5:48PM]