Just reading through most of my journal entries on livejournal I've kept the past few years. (Whorlwind there too) I've changed so much, grown so much, and yet all I feel now is.. old. Of course the reason I have the handle whorlwind (well whirlwind was taken already) was one of my friends telling me that I'm like a whirlwind. I turn and spin tumultuously inside always changing, but outside I pretty much always appear the same.
When I die I'd really like to be able to look back and say I accomplished something with my life. At least my family's long history of self hate, addiction, and constant wracking emotional pain has been obliterated with me and my father in the past 5 years. Stopping a negative is good, but its not the same as a net positive effect.
Now everything seems to be decaying, my body, my mind, and certainly my financial situation. I wonder if all I have left in the grand scheme is to bear children, for them to continue on the family soul. But is the best I can give them to start with really a neutral place, without pain but without any real joie de vivre either?
Of course maybe this is just a bout of melancholia, but I've feel so stuck for a year now. No real hope of financial relief unless something drastically changes, and with that little hope of building the community I long for. Who has time to worry about creating something when the commercial system keeps us all so busy busy busy to pay the bills.
When I die I'd really like to be able to look back and say I accomplished something with my life. At least my family's long history of self hate, addiction, and constant wracking emotional pain has been obliterated with me and my father in the past 5 years. Stopping a negative is good, but its not the same as a net positive effect.
Now everything seems to be decaying, my body, my mind, and certainly my financial situation. I wonder if all I have left in the grand scheme is to bear children, for them to continue on the family soul. But is the best I can give them to start with really a neutral place, without pain but without any real joie de vivre either?
Of course maybe this is just a bout of melancholia, but I've feel so stuck for a year now. No real hope of financial relief unless something drastically changes, and with that little hope of building the community I long for. Who has time to worry about creating something when the commercial system keeps us all so busy busy busy to pay the bills.
i wonder on a daily basis whether the sacrifices of self i've made have been worth it. what else is there to do though? to live you must accept another slice of death on the plate.
(in response to my journal)
yea...we're a bit of the ecclectic pagan persuasion. we have our own personal beliefs, but we both believe in the power of magic and will. i can always use extra juju if you want to send me some. although it sounds like you could use a bit yourself