I dont know what it is about Christmas that gets me so wound up. I love kids (mine and others) and the actual day is great. But the pressure and expectations and everything ahead of it just wears me out. Maybe its b/c as soon as I make it through my kids birthdays I am smack dab in the heart of Christmas preperations. Well, its almost here. My baby and my kids keep the Christmas spirit alive for me. If not for them I do believe I would just hibernate through the whole thing. I am looking forward to playing with the boys this year though. I hope I get the chance. I 'm invited, kind of. I know I'm welcome.
I dumped on my baby hard last night. Wasn't really fair. I was in my typical Christmas funk and she took the brunt of it. Not pretty. I hate that. She did not deserve it.
I was raised by my mother. A single Mom carrying alot of guilt and shame. She wasn't supposed to be a single working Mom. She was suposed to finish school, teach a couple years, get married, have babies and raise children til they grow and leave and then be a happy housewife for the rest of her years. well when that came crashing down she did the best she could with the cards she was dealt. Not alot of discipline, not alot of time, not alot of energy. She did what she could for us. But she was always so wiped out. We took full advantage of our freedom. We loved her, always have, but when she was upset with us, she whipped out the guilt trips like a Vegas dealer throwing cards at a texas hold-em championship. Unfortunately, I learned from the best. Its tricky because alot of times I cannot figure out what is bothering me. Generally, its a combination of small things that I have let get to me all at once. I cant hide it. I try to. Never works. My baby knows me too well. She loves me too much to be fooled by my meager attempt to hide it. She is special. Why she puts up with my BS, sometimes I cannot fathom.
I did some research today and found out that it takes an estimated 4 years for a step-family to get in sync. 4 birthday and Christmas cycles for it the feel like a unified family. Seems like a long time, but it helped me realize how early we are in the process. I also read that it is best to get a new home, a new place where new boundaries and expectations can be set. That may prove difficult but maybe in time it might work out. Lot's of good info on their though. I felt better after finding and reading it. I often feel like I can contribute and my contribution is helpful. Sometimes though I feel like my thoughts and opinions aren't welcome. That is hard for me to deal with. But then again we havnt really discussed how to deal with the parenting issue.
It takes time they say. Patience is neccessary for the survival. Another thing i realized in my studies is that I have the ability to build a relationship with someone. And that respect and friendship comes with time and patience and effort. Noone is granted friendship and respect for just showing up and inhabiting someone elses space. No matter how happy you make thier loved one feel. They dont have enough history with you to go ahead and consider you someone they can trust, someone that actually has thier best interest in mind. It takes time. patience. and effort. All relationships do. I need to remember this.
Next year, hopefully we can plan this holiday time all in advance together, let everyone know what we are doing and then noone will get thier feelings hurt as the days approach. Christmas is really for the kids first and the rest of the family second. Its a tough time for me because there is so little time alone with my baby. She gives me all she has. This time of year is tricky though. But that is just how it is. Its something that comes with having the most awesome woman in your life. (She's the one one with the awesome smile and the spider on her breasts BTW).
I am looking forward to seeing her again. My love for her is strong. Now I need to be strong for her. And acnowledge the gifts she has given me. And show her the respect she deserves. She is most beloved. She has done more for me than anyone ever has. She has given me so much. She has given up so much for me. That must be enough. I cannot ask for more. I love her. completely.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!
I dumped on my baby hard last night. Wasn't really fair. I was in my typical Christmas funk and she took the brunt of it. Not pretty. I hate that. She did not deserve it.
I was raised by my mother. A single Mom carrying alot of guilt and shame. She wasn't supposed to be a single working Mom. She was suposed to finish school, teach a couple years, get married, have babies and raise children til they grow and leave and then be a happy housewife for the rest of her years. well when that came crashing down she did the best she could with the cards she was dealt. Not alot of discipline, not alot of time, not alot of energy. She did what she could for us. But she was always so wiped out. We took full advantage of our freedom. We loved her, always have, but when she was upset with us, she whipped out the guilt trips like a Vegas dealer throwing cards at a texas hold-em championship. Unfortunately, I learned from the best. Its tricky because alot of times I cannot figure out what is bothering me. Generally, its a combination of small things that I have let get to me all at once. I cant hide it. I try to. Never works. My baby knows me too well. She loves me too much to be fooled by my meager attempt to hide it. She is special. Why she puts up with my BS, sometimes I cannot fathom.
I did some research today and found out that it takes an estimated 4 years for a step-family to get in sync. 4 birthday and Christmas cycles for it the feel like a unified family. Seems like a long time, but it helped me realize how early we are in the process. I also read that it is best to get a new home, a new place where new boundaries and expectations can be set. That may prove difficult but maybe in time it might work out. Lot's of good info on their though. I felt better after finding and reading it. I often feel like I can contribute and my contribution is helpful. Sometimes though I feel like my thoughts and opinions aren't welcome. That is hard for me to deal with. But then again we havnt really discussed how to deal with the parenting issue.
It takes time they say. Patience is neccessary for the survival. Another thing i realized in my studies is that I have the ability to build a relationship with someone. And that respect and friendship comes with time and patience and effort. Noone is granted friendship and respect for just showing up and inhabiting someone elses space. No matter how happy you make thier loved one feel. They dont have enough history with you to go ahead and consider you someone they can trust, someone that actually has thier best interest in mind. It takes time. patience. and effort. All relationships do. I need to remember this.
Next year, hopefully we can plan this holiday time all in advance together, let everyone know what we are doing and then noone will get thier feelings hurt as the days approach. Christmas is really for the kids first and the rest of the family second. Its a tough time for me because there is so little time alone with my baby. She gives me all she has. This time of year is tricky though. But that is just how it is. Its something that comes with having the most awesome woman in your life. (She's the one one with the awesome smile and the spider on her breasts BTW).
I am looking forward to seeing her again. My love for her is strong. Now I need to be strong for her. And acnowledge the gifts she has given me. And show her the respect she deserves. She is most beloved. She has done more for me than anyone ever has. She has given me so much. She has given up so much for me. That must be enough. I cannot ask for more. I love her. completely.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!