IT'S A LONG PROCESS THAT IS WORKING SLIGHTLY. BETWEEN WILD TURKEY SOAKED ABANDON AND WASTING MONEY ON PSYCHICS WHILE WHISKEY BENT I MIGHT JUST GET THROUGH. I APOLOGIZE FOR IGNORING EVERYONE IN MY FRIENDS LIST. I CAN'T BE CLEVER RIGHT NOW. AND MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID IF I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY...DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. I HOPE YOU ARE ALL DOING WELL AND I DO THINK ABOUT YOU GUYS AND YOUR VARIOUS ORIGINALITIES. UNTIL THEN, MORE SAPPY STUPID FICTION...FOLLOWED BY SOME NON-FICTION...AND THEN THE SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY...THEN NEWS AND WEATHER...BUT FIRST A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR...
"Why? This doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever."
"I'm just going to be straight with you because you've always been very honest and upfront with me about things. That's the best I can do."
"I can't understand what's so wrong with me that you want out. Do I have to be an unthoughtful bastard to keep you here? Is that what you want from people?"
"Look, Will, I am going to say to you exactly what's on my mind concerning you. My opinion of you. The whole shebang. Just sit back for a minute and let me finish this."
"Please, don't let me fucking stop you, Helen. Go forth."
"After I'm done giving you the cliff notes about yourself. I'll go into more about me."
"Hell, let me call Time Magazine. We can make a fucking event out of this travesty."
"I know this hurts but it's what I've got to do, Will. I really just need you to pull back on the motherfucking wise talk for a few minutes. My picture of you isn't the real you. When I first started spending time with you, you were more of the free spririt type. Really into making people laugh. Going out and watching shows. I saw this version of you for about six months. I started falling in love with this image you had created."
"You are out of your fucking mind, Helen. I'm still that way! Just not all of the time. I'm sorry that I'm a human being. I can't be Charlie fucking Chaplin every minute of the day. I mean I work alot and that brings about alot of stress. Doesn't everyone though? and aon't get on with that bullshit. What am I supposed to do on the days when you are just a fuming little brat who didn't get the lollipop so the rest of the fucking universe has to feel her pseudo-pain? Don't I give you the necessary space or support when it's your time to be a rotten human being? Jesus Fucking Christ, Helen."
"It's not really that cut and dry. Of course we can't always be the ideal version of ourselves. You've become something else, though. What once was gregarious and generous is now brooding, introspective, erratic, and downright vicious at times."
"I apologize for having faults, Helen. My life has been a fucking trainwreck seventy five percent of the time prior to meeting you. I am doing my best to not let my afflictions control my decisions or actions or whatever. Can't you see that I'm devoted to you? Am I not affectionate and thoughtfull a majority of the time? No would be a complete fucking fabrication, Helen."
"Your best right now is less than last year. I'm going to be frank, Will. You are not that attractive of a man in the looks department. I was not initially attracted to you whatsoever. Now, I don't find you disgusting. But what endears you to me and probably to anyone else in your life is your kindness and personality. My opinion is that you have to be at your best, personality wise, to keep any kind of woman around you. Sure, that sounds harsh. But the faults with your appearance are all easily fixable without surgery."
"I don't think you have any idea how I feel at this fucking moment because of what you just said. You have completely ripped anything resembling a human soul right out of my fucking body. That's some of the most cruel talk ever delivered to me. Even in the violent, selfish, poverty-stricken, and humiliating pit that was my childhood home...I never heard anything that fucking cruel. I just don't understand what I've done to deserve the way you're treating me."
"I say this because I still care about you. I want to see you achieve your potential. The best way for that is honest dialogue."
"If you had any feelings whatsoever for me, you would accept me the way I am. I do try to make you laugh. I give you words of encouragement when things get hairy. What about you? When little things don't go your way, you just give up? Pack it in. Don't you want to grow with someone? That's how relationships work, Helen. Two people working together to get through this fucking mess of a planet. Well, I'm sorry I don't look like all of those college boy/department store ad gents you are used to. I should have seen this all earlier."
"Seen what. Will?"
"Who you really are. I didn't see it before. I guess I was just so caught up in the spirit of everything that I missed the clues. You really are a selfish, incosiderate brat. This manifests itself often. The way you're throwing me out of your life like and old toy. The way you go through fad pastimes. Jazzercise one week. Yoga the next. Pottery after that. Trumpet lessons after that. Guided meditation and Feng Shui after that. None of the fascination lasting longer than the six week class. You don't know how to maintain quality life...that's the core of it...you are unable to be a decent human being...and the kicker is that you cannot see any of this. You are unwilling to do anything but act like you are wounded and struggling when in reality you are just a brat without her Barbie. Fuck You. I am almost never this spiteful. But you seem to bring the worst out of any situation."
"That's a completely ridiculous story. I am nothing like any of that."
"If that's so fucking true Helen...how many friends can you count on your hand that weren't my peeps before meeting you? How many of those people from college or those ridiculous classes do you keep in contact with? I can't think of a single person from your high school days every contacting this house to speak with you. Why do you think that is?"
"I really didn't have that many friends to begin with. There's just not very many people like me from the town I grew up."
"Bullshit. I saw your yearbooks when we were cleaning out the attic. You had all kinds of people that liked you and wanted to spend time with you. You just don't reciprocate any of time or affection towards anyone but yourself. People are smarter and more intuitive than you think. They can see when someone is a selfish bitch and has no interest in them. So they move on with their lives."
"You are a fucking lying asshole. What makes you the expert on decent human beings when all you do is work and maintain this gloomy disposition? Now you are some almighty judge on the goodness of other people? Put that fucking judging eye on yourself, you ugly piece of shit."
"Here, Helen check out my cellphone...wait..check out this my organizer...see those names and phone numbers in there? These are friends I've made along the way in life. Some from high school. Some from college. Some from old jobs. Hell, even some from the internet. I take the time and effort to maintain contacts with these people. Even if it is just a couple of letters a year and a christmas card. That is how you fucking treat people, you spoiled little wench. You give them some of your life. You do not know how to give. You only know how to receive and you don't even do that well."
"I think I'm really through talking to you, Will. Those are complete lies. Maybe I'm not a fake, social butterfly like you but I try to be a decent person...just like you."
"Helen, you brought the worst out in me when I was simply trying to give you my best. I wanted to give you the things I didn't get growing up. Not material things but the stuff that really counts. This was not enough for you and I'm sorry for that. I wish I looked like a soap star. I wish my parents were loaded investment bankers. I wish I was a surgeon or a dentist. Then maybe that could be enough for you. Even though I flew off the handle there, I still wish you the best of luck and hope that you find the happiness I couldn't give you."
"Like I said, part of it is you and this other side of yours. But most of it is me...you're right there. But I don't believe I am as rotten as you think. I just don't feel anything like love for you anymore. Maybe it dried up because you're on third shift now and I'm still doing the nine to five. I've changed and when I change I move on. If that's disloyalty to not want to be somewhere and then move on then I am disloyal. I just don't see things like they were last summer or our six years before that. Last summer was real gas, Will. I will remember it fondly."
"Maybe I need to not focus on the negative so much. For awhile, all I will remember is the neglect and hurt from you. With time I will remember the good things about us. Last summer. Those wild bar nights entertaining the fuckups. Go out and be happy. Learn to love and cherish the good things in your life, Helen. I would hate to see you grow old in solitude. Despite your cruelty, seeing you in pain would break my heart."
"That's the Will I'll remember when I'm rocking myself to sleep in the old folks home. You are definetley some kind of man."
"We could've been contenders, Helen Walsh. We could've beat those odds and made a real home here. I guess you win with love and understanding. I still love you and I understand why you don't want me. Take care and let them handsome uptowners see that famous smile."
"Thank you Will...I'll still dream about our title shot."
"I am right now and will do so long past they put me in the dirt."
"Life's got a little more hangover than intoxication, doesn't it Will?"
"More than you will ever know, Helen."
IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SWEAR AT ME AND E-SLAP ME BECAUSE OF MY CONSTANT SAPPINESS AND MORRISSEY REFRENCES...BY ALL MEANS DO SO...TRUST ME, I'VE TRIED EATING TOO MUCH COLD MEDICINE, DRINKING LARGE CANS OF STEEL RESERVE, AND PUMPING SUNNO))) THROUGH THE HEADPHONE BUT IT AINT JARRIN' THAT LONESOME BUG LOOSE. HERE'S SOME NONFICTIONAL RAMBLING
UNFICTIONAL WEEPING AND UNENDING WOE IS ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN
Current mood: Steadfast & True
"I know it's over..but still I cling...I don't know where ELSE I can go."
I don't want to be in the songs and albums I collect and enjoy. It's not a good feeling.
Changing yourself is not enough. Life's blinders often shade over what little light could shine on how wonderful the person in front of you is. And the wonder that they could bring. Some people let this pain get in the way.
I can honestly say that I do not deserve to feel this way. Why can't my heart just blacken over so I can get on with my life? This childlike whistfullness always triumphs. It sounds positive but it destroys me over and over again. Every five years or so I get humiliated and hurt by the way I feel and by the hope that someone feels the way I do. It's like a corporal punishment for fictional crimes. 25 year old man just taken up to a post where people can just hurl stones at his exposed and vulnerable body.
the healing process doesn't seem to want to begin. So I fill the area with whiskey, guitar, and restless rambling...as in scatterbrain writing like this and traveling about for no reason. I feel so much shame for being part of the sad songs I often listen to. It makes me feel like a christmas cookie. With a basic, textbook design. From a textbook, basic homemaker. Plain and tasteless icing. On a cold cookie sheet waiting to be fed to the dogs because the family doesn't get together for christmas anymore. Like everything else in life. It just falls to the wayside and deteriorates. So I feel like a forgotten holiday desert that was supposed to bring smiles to childrens faces and something that a devoted couple could enjoy over a cup of hot cocoa. But instead of being a fragment in all that is wonderful about humanity...I end up brittle...with faded holdiay icing...in the trash... in the unheated garage...waiting to get sent to another of mankind's contribution to love, understanding, and preserving the sanctity of life...the trash dump.
Endless. Endless. Endless. Endless Depression.
Like the Jason Molina song
And here we are back to square one.
Let's wrap this torch song with more Morrissey...I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday.
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
Scott Walker "Montague Terrace"
Love "Alone Again Or"
Tindersticks "Desperate Man"
Townes Van Zandt "Be Here To Love Me"
Antony & The Johnsons "The Lake"
Nico "Janitor Of Lunacy"
Dead Condors "House Of Passionless Regret"
"Why? This doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever."
"I'm just going to be straight with you because you've always been very honest and upfront with me about things. That's the best I can do."
"I can't understand what's so wrong with me that you want out. Do I have to be an unthoughtful bastard to keep you here? Is that what you want from people?"
"Look, Will, I am going to say to you exactly what's on my mind concerning you. My opinion of you. The whole shebang. Just sit back for a minute and let me finish this."
"Please, don't let me fucking stop you, Helen. Go forth."
"After I'm done giving you the cliff notes about yourself. I'll go into more about me."
"Hell, let me call Time Magazine. We can make a fucking event out of this travesty."
"I know this hurts but it's what I've got to do, Will. I really just need you to pull back on the motherfucking wise talk for a few minutes. My picture of you isn't the real you. When I first started spending time with you, you were more of the free spririt type. Really into making people laugh. Going out and watching shows. I saw this version of you for about six months. I started falling in love with this image you had created."
"You are out of your fucking mind, Helen. I'm still that way! Just not all of the time. I'm sorry that I'm a human being. I can't be Charlie fucking Chaplin every minute of the day. I mean I work alot and that brings about alot of stress. Doesn't everyone though? and aon't get on with that bullshit. What am I supposed to do on the days when you are just a fuming little brat who didn't get the lollipop so the rest of the fucking universe has to feel her pseudo-pain? Don't I give you the necessary space or support when it's your time to be a rotten human being? Jesus Fucking Christ, Helen."
"It's not really that cut and dry. Of course we can't always be the ideal version of ourselves. You've become something else, though. What once was gregarious and generous is now brooding, introspective, erratic, and downright vicious at times."
"I apologize for having faults, Helen. My life has been a fucking trainwreck seventy five percent of the time prior to meeting you. I am doing my best to not let my afflictions control my decisions or actions or whatever. Can't you see that I'm devoted to you? Am I not affectionate and thoughtfull a majority of the time? No would be a complete fucking fabrication, Helen."
"Your best right now is less than last year. I'm going to be frank, Will. You are not that attractive of a man in the looks department. I was not initially attracted to you whatsoever. Now, I don't find you disgusting. But what endears you to me and probably to anyone else in your life is your kindness and personality. My opinion is that you have to be at your best, personality wise, to keep any kind of woman around you. Sure, that sounds harsh. But the faults with your appearance are all easily fixable without surgery."
"I don't think you have any idea how I feel at this fucking moment because of what you just said. You have completely ripped anything resembling a human soul right out of my fucking body. That's some of the most cruel talk ever delivered to me. Even in the violent, selfish, poverty-stricken, and humiliating pit that was my childhood home...I never heard anything that fucking cruel. I just don't understand what I've done to deserve the way you're treating me."
"I say this because I still care about you. I want to see you achieve your potential. The best way for that is honest dialogue."
"If you had any feelings whatsoever for me, you would accept me the way I am. I do try to make you laugh. I give you words of encouragement when things get hairy. What about you? When little things don't go your way, you just give up? Pack it in. Don't you want to grow with someone? That's how relationships work, Helen. Two people working together to get through this fucking mess of a planet. Well, I'm sorry I don't look like all of those college boy/department store ad gents you are used to. I should have seen this all earlier."
"Seen what. Will?"
"Who you really are. I didn't see it before. I guess I was just so caught up in the spirit of everything that I missed the clues. You really are a selfish, incosiderate brat. This manifests itself often. The way you're throwing me out of your life like and old toy. The way you go through fad pastimes. Jazzercise one week. Yoga the next. Pottery after that. Trumpet lessons after that. Guided meditation and Feng Shui after that. None of the fascination lasting longer than the six week class. You don't know how to maintain quality life...that's the core of it...you are unable to be a decent human being...and the kicker is that you cannot see any of this. You are unwilling to do anything but act like you are wounded and struggling when in reality you are just a brat without her Barbie. Fuck You. I am almost never this spiteful. But you seem to bring the worst out of any situation."
"That's a completely ridiculous story. I am nothing like any of that."
"If that's so fucking true Helen...how many friends can you count on your hand that weren't my peeps before meeting you? How many of those people from college or those ridiculous classes do you keep in contact with? I can't think of a single person from your high school days every contacting this house to speak with you. Why do you think that is?"
"I really didn't have that many friends to begin with. There's just not very many people like me from the town I grew up."
"Bullshit. I saw your yearbooks when we were cleaning out the attic. You had all kinds of people that liked you and wanted to spend time with you. You just don't reciprocate any of time or affection towards anyone but yourself. People are smarter and more intuitive than you think. They can see when someone is a selfish bitch and has no interest in them. So they move on with their lives."
"You are a fucking lying asshole. What makes you the expert on decent human beings when all you do is work and maintain this gloomy disposition? Now you are some almighty judge on the goodness of other people? Put that fucking judging eye on yourself, you ugly piece of shit."
"Here, Helen check out my cellphone...wait..check out this my organizer...see those names and phone numbers in there? These are friends I've made along the way in life. Some from high school. Some from college. Some from old jobs. Hell, even some from the internet. I take the time and effort to maintain contacts with these people. Even if it is just a couple of letters a year and a christmas card. That is how you fucking treat people, you spoiled little wench. You give them some of your life. You do not know how to give. You only know how to receive and you don't even do that well."
"I think I'm really through talking to you, Will. Those are complete lies. Maybe I'm not a fake, social butterfly like you but I try to be a decent person...just like you."
"Helen, you brought the worst out in me when I was simply trying to give you my best. I wanted to give you the things I didn't get growing up. Not material things but the stuff that really counts. This was not enough for you and I'm sorry for that. I wish I looked like a soap star. I wish my parents were loaded investment bankers. I wish I was a surgeon or a dentist. Then maybe that could be enough for you. Even though I flew off the handle there, I still wish you the best of luck and hope that you find the happiness I couldn't give you."
"Like I said, part of it is you and this other side of yours. But most of it is me...you're right there. But I don't believe I am as rotten as you think. I just don't feel anything like love for you anymore. Maybe it dried up because you're on third shift now and I'm still doing the nine to five. I've changed and when I change I move on. If that's disloyalty to not want to be somewhere and then move on then I am disloyal. I just don't see things like they were last summer or our six years before that. Last summer was real gas, Will. I will remember it fondly."
"Maybe I need to not focus on the negative so much. For awhile, all I will remember is the neglect and hurt from you. With time I will remember the good things about us. Last summer. Those wild bar nights entertaining the fuckups. Go out and be happy. Learn to love and cherish the good things in your life, Helen. I would hate to see you grow old in solitude. Despite your cruelty, seeing you in pain would break my heart."
"That's the Will I'll remember when I'm rocking myself to sleep in the old folks home. You are definetley some kind of man."
"We could've been contenders, Helen Walsh. We could've beat those odds and made a real home here. I guess you win with love and understanding. I still love you and I understand why you don't want me. Take care and let them handsome uptowners see that famous smile."
"Thank you Will...I'll still dream about our title shot."
"I am right now and will do so long past they put me in the dirt."
"Life's got a little more hangover than intoxication, doesn't it Will?"
"More than you will ever know, Helen."
IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SWEAR AT ME AND E-SLAP ME BECAUSE OF MY CONSTANT SAPPINESS AND MORRISSEY REFRENCES...BY ALL MEANS DO SO...TRUST ME, I'VE TRIED EATING TOO MUCH COLD MEDICINE, DRINKING LARGE CANS OF STEEL RESERVE, AND PUMPING SUNNO))) THROUGH THE HEADPHONE BUT IT AINT JARRIN' THAT LONESOME BUG LOOSE. HERE'S SOME NONFICTIONAL RAMBLING
UNFICTIONAL WEEPING AND UNENDING WOE IS ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN
Current mood: Steadfast & True
"I know it's over..but still I cling...I don't know where ELSE I can go."
I don't want to be in the songs and albums I collect and enjoy. It's not a good feeling.
Changing yourself is not enough. Life's blinders often shade over what little light could shine on how wonderful the person in front of you is. And the wonder that they could bring. Some people let this pain get in the way.
I can honestly say that I do not deserve to feel this way. Why can't my heart just blacken over so I can get on with my life? This childlike whistfullness always triumphs. It sounds positive but it destroys me over and over again. Every five years or so I get humiliated and hurt by the way I feel and by the hope that someone feels the way I do. It's like a corporal punishment for fictional crimes. 25 year old man just taken up to a post where people can just hurl stones at his exposed and vulnerable body.
the healing process doesn't seem to want to begin. So I fill the area with whiskey, guitar, and restless rambling...as in scatterbrain writing like this and traveling about for no reason. I feel so much shame for being part of the sad songs I often listen to. It makes me feel like a christmas cookie. With a basic, textbook design. From a textbook, basic homemaker. Plain and tasteless icing. On a cold cookie sheet waiting to be fed to the dogs because the family doesn't get together for christmas anymore. Like everything else in life. It just falls to the wayside and deteriorates. So I feel like a forgotten holiday desert that was supposed to bring smiles to childrens faces and something that a devoted couple could enjoy over a cup of hot cocoa. But instead of being a fragment in all that is wonderful about humanity...I end up brittle...with faded holdiay icing...in the trash... in the unheated garage...waiting to get sent to another of mankind's contribution to love, understanding, and preserving the sanctity of life...the trash dump.
Endless. Endless. Endless. Endless Depression.
Like the Jason Molina song
And here we are back to square one.
Let's wrap this torch song with more Morrissey...I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday.
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
Scott Walker "Montague Terrace"
Love "Alone Again Or"
Tindersticks "Desperate Man"
Townes Van Zandt "Be Here To Love Me"
Antony & The Johnsons "The Lake"
Nico "Janitor Of Lunacy"
Dead Condors "House Of Passionless Regret"
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
i miss you too crazy man. i miss this place like you wouldn't believe. but my return is on the horizon.
The Holy Hand Grenade!