Just a little lovesick, you bastards. I'll get back to squaresville in no time flat. Until then, I gotta get all cathartic on my ass. Here's a little story I used to tell:
"This is the fuckin' pits, Pete. What the christ are we doing stacking pallets in the middle of July?"
"Fuck man, I haven't the foggiest. It's eight fiddy under the table. Not much else to say about other than to hell with it."
"One more week of this shit and I'll tell the asscocks at Kroger's to go get fucked. This shit still has old nails in it. I know it's a job, but I didn't know it was going to be Spartacus conditions. Fucking hell, man."
"You need to take a gulp outta my Dale Earnhardt mug, slick. It'll cure your little PMS right quick."
"Jesus H Mary, what is that? It's like model glue and the dumpster from an orange grove...I like it"
"Right on, brotha. That's a little taste of home."
"Pete, I've got somethin' that's been eatin' at me for awhile now. I was wonderin' if you'd hear me out on it"
"Slick, them kinda marriages don't go in these parts even if I was swingin' fancy like."
"Cut the shit, man. I'm serious"
"All right chief, out with it"
"What do women have against nice, hard workin' types? I can't seem to find a woman who's interested in me."
"Where the hell you've been hangin' out then? If you're still tippin' em back at Old Bricksters then you're libel to get a mean case of Montezumas revenge on top o' whatever the dames be carrying."
"Fuckin' hell, Pete. I'm trying to talk serious like. You're over he bustin' my chops with this VD fuckin' routine. Cut the wise, cocktoe!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Watch where you're tossing them pallets man. I'll put my tetnus shot right in your basket! Go on with your fucking Dear Alice nonsense"
"They always seem to put me in the friend zone. Y'know where you are the dude that is there to listen when she fucks up or entertain her when the other guys are too busy with other things. Like a ringer or something."
"Yeah, been down that road before. Not since school though. Are you meetin' girls that are more into your booky arty mumbo jumbo?"
"That's the thing, Pete. Those are the ones that like me the lease, ya dig? Do I have a splash of deer piss on me or something that repels dames? What gives?"
"Aw hell, man. Can't you see the bigger picture?"
"What, Pete?"
"You know how we yammer on and on about the shoppers inside and the headquarters people?"
"Yeah, they're generally selfish, rude, incosiderate, vain, and often vicious."
"Well slick, why would you expect any of these dames on the outside to be any different? Especially them dames that've been to all of the money schools and read them important books. They're out for numero uno, broseph. Just like everyone else."
"How does this apply to me, Pete?"
"You should be thankful that these American dames don't want anything to do with you. They'll only break your heart and not even know about it. You see, slick you're just a little bit of pastime for them. You get 'em a drink here, a laugh there but you'll be out with the used coffee filters once they've had enough of you."
"So it's the American women who are selfish?"
"No, chief EVERYONE is selfish. At least in this part of the world. Can't say that I've seen France or Crackbamistan or whatever the fuck's over there. That's why the good hearts get broke. You gotta stay strong kid. As long as you keep your soul and disposition intact, you'll pass on to something better in the next world, I'm sure of that."
"So then like all of this lovelessness, isolation, rejection, and humiliation is like some kinda test I gotta pass? That's some heavy dealin', Pete."
"Can't say that I've read much either way. But there's gotta be some truth to what I've said here. There's just gotta be. Or else what the fuck are we doing down here getting callouses from these fucking pallets?"
"Is it wrong to want love?"
"No its not wrong, chief. At least not to you. If they're just out looking for a good time and wastin' all of that money, it would be wrong of THEM to hear that you love them. They won't wanna be around you no more, slick. You break their little bubble of instant gratification with that love talk."
"How do you know if they feel the same way, Pete? How do you handle asking the right type'a person?"
"I think it all works itself out, man. If it was meant to be, than it was meant to be. If she aint kosher with that shit, any serious jive from your lovesick ass will send 'em runnin'. What's so bad about bein' a court jester for these dames, anyway? You get to drink, laugh, and have a good time? You and me had that gin dive in stitches!"
"Well Pete, If there aint someone there at the end of the night with their arms around you...then there isn't anything in my book."
"What are you talkin' about the naked dance, captain?"
"No, fucko...I'm talking about LOVE. Just being in bed with someone. Sharing thoughts, Being honest. Getting to know each other's heart. Those kind of things that you see in movies or hear about in novels."
"None of that shit is real, bucko. This fucking tar pit is just full of little squirrels tryin' to get a nut...no pun intended. There aint any guarantees, chief. Some people live their entire lives alone in a basement with no hope. That's some people crust of the pie, boyo. Maybe that's your piece. Who's to say. Whay don't you try just being yourself...who is fucking clownshoes and slap happy to boot!..and see where them chips might fall. Maybe this dame you got yer eye on's lookin for one of them doctorlawyer types with the good skin and the money to make their skin look good. Do you wanna get caught up with someone like that? Who just wants gifts and things all of the time?"
"I guess I never looked at it that way. But how can you tell about things like that. I met all kindsa people that don't act like wheres they from?"
"Actin' is the right word there, chief. They act like they don't know their roots. Leisure class wants Lesiure types. Professionals, hoss. Lawyers. Engineers. Them booky types. Us workin' types aren't wanted around there. Don't let them fool you with that "He's one of the GOOD ones" bulldonkey. You'd just be a little dancing monkey for them types. You got too good a heart to play pauper vacation for them white collared types."
"Pete, that's harsh...people are just people and I'm sure there's good in them like there's some bad in us. Maybe if I stick to bein' myself and trying to do the right thing, maybe good things'll come my way. Maybe even a nice girl. Yeah, I'm sure of it."
"Stay in that dream, kid. It's all that's given to you. It's all you will ever have. If you lose it, it'll be the kind of death worse than the worm sandwich kind."
"You're pretty spiritual Pete. Especially since you're a smelly Hungarian prick!!!"
"Bollocks to you, fuckteeth. Keep that young buck trap of your shut or you're gonna get an old world beating!"
"Hell, let's get the last of these pallets, Pete and go get us a few ales"
"That's the most sense you've made all goddamned day, kid"
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
T-Rex "The Groover"
Neko Case "Thanks A Lot"
Chris Isaak "Blue Hotel"
Smiths "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore"
"This is the fuckin' pits, Pete. What the christ are we doing stacking pallets in the middle of July?"
"Fuck man, I haven't the foggiest. It's eight fiddy under the table. Not much else to say about other than to hell with it."
"One more week of this shit and I'll tell the asscocks at Kroger's to go get fucked. This shit still has old nails in it. I know it's a job, but I didn't know it was going to be Spartacus conditions. Fucking hell, man."
"You need to take a gulp outta my Dale Earnhardt mug, slick. It'll cure your little PMS right quick."
"Jesus H Mary, what is that? It's like model glue and the dumpster from an orange grove...I like it"
"Right on, brotha. That's a little taste of home."
"Pete, I've got somethin' that's been eatin' at me for awhile now. I was wonderin' if you'd hear me out on it"
"Slick, them kinda marriages don't go in these parts even if I was swingin' fancy like."
"Cut the shit, man. I'm serious"
"All right chief, out with it"
"What do women have against nice, hard workin' types? I can't seem to find a woman who's interested in me."
"Where the hell you've been hangin' out then? If you're still tippin' em back at Old Bricksters then you're libel to get a mean case of Montezumas revenge on top o' whatever the dames be carrying."
"Fuckin' hell, Pete. I'm trying to talk serious like. You're over he bustin' my chops with this VD fuckin' routine. Cut the wise, cocktoe!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Watch where you're tossing them pallets man. I'll put my tetnus shot right in your basket! Go on with your fucking Dear Alice nonsense"
"They always seem to put me in the friend zone. Y'know where you are the dude that is there to listen when she fucks up or entertain her when the other guys are too busy with other things. Like a ringer or something."
"Yeah, been down that road before. Not since school though. Are you meetin' girls that are more into your booky arty mumbo jumbo?"
"That's the thing, Pete. Those are the ones that like me the lease, ya dig? Do I have a splash of deer piss on me or something that repels dames? What gives?"
"Aw hell, man. Can't you see the bigger picture?"
"What, Pete?"
"You know how we yammer on and on about the shoppers inside and the headquarters people?"
"Yeah, they're generally selfish, rude, incosiderate, vain, and often vicious."
"Well slick, why would you expect any of these dames on the outside to be any different? Especially them dames that've been to all of the money schools and read them important books. They're out for numero uno, broseph. Just like everyone else."
"How does this apply to me, Pete?"
"You should be thankful that these American dames don't want anything to do with you. They'll only break your heart and not even know about it. You see, slick you're just a little bit of pastime for them. You get 'em a drink here, a laugh there but you'll be out with the used coffee filters once they've had enough of you."
"So it's the American women who are selfish?"
"No, chief EVERYONE is selfish. At least in this part of the world. Can't say that I've seen France or Crackbamistan or whatever the fuck's over there. That's why the good hearts get broke. You gotta stay strong kid. As long as you keep your soul and disposition intact, you'll pass on to something better in the next world, I'm sure of that."
"So then like all of this lovelessness, isolation, rejection, and humiliation is like some kinda test I gotta pass? That's some heavy dealin', Pete."
"Can't say that I've read much either way. But there's gotta be some truth to what I've said here. There's just gotta be. Or else what the fuck are we doing down here getting callouses from these fucking pallets?"
"Is it wrong to want love?"
"No its not wrong, chief. At least not to you. If they're just out looking for a good time and wastin' all of that money, it would be wrong of THEM to hear that you love them. They won't wanna be around you no more, slick. You break their little bubble of instant gratification with that love talk."
"How do you know if they feel the same way, Pete? How do you handle asking the right type'a person?"
"I think it all works itself out, man. If it was meant to be, than it was meant to be. If she aint kosher with that shit, any serious jive from your lovesick ass will send 'em runnin'. What's so bad about bein' a court jester for these dames, anyway? You get to drink, laugh, and have a good time? You and me had that gin dive in stitches!"
"Well Pete, If there aint someone there at the end of the night with their arms around you...then there isn't anything in my book."
"What are you talkin' about the naked dance, captain?"
"No, fucko...I'm talking about LOVE. Just being in bed with someone. Sharing thoughts, Being honest. Getting to know each other's heart. Those kind of things that you see in movies or hear about in novels."
"None of that shit is real, bucko. This fucking tar pit is just full of little squirrels tryin' to get a nut...no pun intended. There aint any guarantees, chief. Some people live their entire lives alone in a basement with no hope. That's some people crust of the pie, boyo. Maybe that's your piece. Who's to say. Whay don't you try just being yourself...who is fucking clownshoes and slap happy to boot!..and see where them chips might fall. Maybe this dame you got yer eye on's lookin for one of them doctorlawyer types with the good skin and the money to make their skin look good. Do you wanna get caught up with someone like that? Who just wants gifts and things all of the time?"
"I guess I never looked at it that way. But how can you tell about things like that. I met all kindsa people that don't act like wheres they from?"
"Actin' is the right word there, chief. They act like they don't know their roots. Leisure class wants Lesiure types. Professionals, hoss. Lawyers. Engineers. Them booky types. Us workin' types aren't wanted around there. Don't let them fool you with that "He's one of the GOOD ones" bulldonkey. You'd just be a little dancing monkey for them types. You got too good a heart to play pauper vacation for them white collared types."
"Pete, that's harsh...people are just people and I'm sure there's good in them like there's some bad in us. Maybe if I stick to bein' myself and trying to do the right thing, maybe good things'll come my way. Maybe even a nice girl. Yeah, I'm sure of it."
"Stay in that dream, kid. It's all that's given to you. It's all you will ever have. If you lose it, it'll be the kind of death worse than the worm sandwich kind."
"You're pretty spiritual Pete. Especially since you're a smelly Hungarian prick!!!"
"Bollocks to you, fuckteeth. Keep that young buck trap of your shut or you're gonna get an old world beating!"
"Hell, let's get the last of these pallets, Pete and go get us a few ales"
"That's the most sense you've made all goddamned day, kid"
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
T-Rex "The Groover"
Neko Case "Thanks A Lot"
Chris Isaak "Blue Hotel"
Smiths "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore"
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and story.