WhiskeyFightPit Network slogans:
"One stop shop for the killing of all things inculding time"
"Pure distraction bliss. Even on Jewish holidays"
"Two badgers finding out who has the bigger cock, and more!"
"Riffin' Riddlin' Family Fun Brothel"
"Piss Factory" (thank you Patti Smith, you banshee).
If I had cardboard, crayons, and some form of drawing talent I would make a network emblem. A giant turkey dressed up like Snake Plissken and holding the head of Bono next to a crate of Cutty.
See, everyone could have their own individual "entertainment empire". Cheech, Doctashock, Mainline, Kurtzy, and all of you other goofballs readin' this thing. Even you BraveLilToaster! This would confuse all of those little twats at the heads of all the major networks. Complete and utter chaos would commence! They wouldn't know how to react to every Joe Bagodoughnuts out there creating their own private media conglomerate! An imaginative and bloodless revolution!!! Yippe! No more Jessica Simpson and her plodding along like a birthday girl who didn't get the pony! Begone, ghastly Barbie doll! You've sucked upon our minds for long enough! And take your Tom Of Finland wax sculpture with you!!! (I'm referring to that 98 Degrees bloke).
Anyway, now that the major television channels are out of the way, its time to get to work. Here are some pilots that I am pitching to myself with possible advertisers.
"Dr. Phibes Rises Again...In Greenwich Village"
Brad Dourif plays Dr. Phibes who seeks revenge on the aimless artisans of the Village. He blames the arts as the main distraction for the physicians who bungled his deceased wife's operation. Each weekly episode would feature someone from the visual arts world as well as some musical guest. I want a showdown between Dr. Phibes and John Zorn with Phibes on Mellotron and Zorn on tenor sax. Fuckin' aye, sport.
RUSTY SHANK LAGER will be the main advertisers for this little shitpile. For more on RUSTY SHANK lager, read yesterdays journal.
"BOB PROBERT'S ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM EXTRAVAGANZA"
Weekly sports roundup featuring one of the greats in hockey violence. Half hour show with maybe five minutes of sports updates and tapes of people beating the shit out of each other. Few minutes devoted in each episode for Probert to read selections of the classic literature world. First week, bits from Picture Of Dorian Gray.
possible sponsor
GRAMMA DICKTEASE'S FUCKIN' DOWN HOME BATCH
Giant cookies with chocolate chip, peanut butter, white chips and macademia nuts, dried DM extracted from Robitussin, and a gooey chocolate center. Here's our fuckin' slogan
SATISFY THAT SWEET TOOTH WHILE HIDING FROM IMAGINARY ZOMBIES AND THEIR INSATIABLE DESIRE TO EAT YOU WHILE THESE FUCKIN' COOKIES ARE IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM
"WFPN'S NEW YEAR'S EVE DRUNKTANKATHON"
New Years Eve variety show featuring Bob Probert, Sean Young, Rip Taylor, and Emo Phillips. Some scripted some improvised but mostly getting partygoers drunk in various cities and having them do things for us network heads. I wanna see Sean Young claw out the eyes of a carnie.
possible sponsor
CAPTAIN RUSS' WOLVERINE JERKY
Captain Russ' is a bi-curious longshoreman hailing from Boston MASS. Sure, his sexual preferences got him many a chops busted in the dockworkers circles. He spent many a lonely night perfecting the wolverine jerky we all know enjoy.
"My Wolverine Jerky is guaranteed to make even a statue of Thomas Jefferson come all over the place like a Mormon in a lingerie store"
"HISTORY OF EVIL AND THE CULINARY ARTS"
This spot is geared towards retired folks and their feeble brains. Host is probably going to be Shelly Winters or Robert Blake. I'm just going to have little biographies on mass murderers and dictators and such. First one hour episode will feature Dr. Joseph Mengele, The Nazi Doctor and will also include tips on making that perfect Sausage Gumbo. Musical guests will include, but not limited to: The Boredoms, Shirley Bassey, Man Or Astroman, and Harry Belafonte. You would think that getting these huge stars would be a problem. Not so! I'm pretty sure I'll be the only game in town after we get Rupert Murdoch's head perched atop the Empire State building in our little revolution.
possible sponsor
MAMA HARRIET'S STRETCH MARK CREAM AND OINTMENT.
"WE CAN MAKE LEPORS LOOK LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD WANT TO FUCK, OR YOUR MONEY BACK."
I know this is just the start of something revolutionary in broadcasting. I'll keep you all posted on any new developments.
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
Derek Bailey "Ballads"
I'm going to follow Derek around every performance until he croakes like the stinky hippies follow Jerry Garcia. I'll be taping, without permission, to use on the Whiskey Fight Pit Network. My precious!
"One stop shop for the killing of all things inculding time"
"Pure distraction bliss. Even on Jewish holidays"
"Two badgers finding out who has the bigger cock, and more!"
"Riffin' Riddlin' Family Fun Brothel"
"Piss Factory" (thank you Patti Smith, you banshee).
If I had cardboard, crayons, and some form of drawing talent I would make a network emblem. A giant turkey dressed up like Snake Plissken and holding the head of Bono next to a crate of Cutty.
See, everyone could have their own individual "entertainment empire". Cheech, Doctashock, Mainline, Kurtzy, and all of you other goofballs readin' this thing. Even you BraveLilToaster! This would confuse all of those little twats at the heads of all the major networks. Complete and utter chaos would commence! They wouldn't know how to react to every Joe Bagodoughnuts out there creating their own private media conglomerate! An imaginative and bloodless revolution!!! Yippe! No more Jessica Simpson and her plodding along like a birthday girl who didn't get the pony! Begone, ghastly Barbie doll! You've sucked upon our minds for long enough! And take your Tom Of Finland wax sculpture with you!!! (I'm referring to that 98 Degrees bloke).
Anyway, now that the major television channels are out of the way, its time to get to work. Here are some pilots that I am pitching to myself with possible advertisers.
"Dr. Phibes Rises Again...In Greenwich Village"
Brad Dourif plays Dr. Phibes who seeks revenge on the aimless artisans of the Village. He blames the arts as the main distraction for the physicians who bungled his deceased wife's operation. Each weekly episode would feature someone from the visual arts world as well as some musical guest. I want a showdown between Dr. Phibes and John Zorn with Phibes on Mellotron and Zorn on tenor sax. Fuckin' aye, sport.
RUSTY SHANK LAGER will be the main advertisers for this little shitpile. For more on RUSTY SHANK lager, read yesterdays journal.
"BOB PROBERT'S ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM EXTRAVAGANZA"
Weekly sports roundup featuring one of the greats in hockey violence. Half hour show with maybe five minutes of sports updates and tapes of people beating the shit out of each other. Few minutes devoted in each episode for Probert to read selections of the classic literature world. First week, bits from Picture Of Dorian Gray.
possible sponsor
GRAMMA DICKTEASE'S FUCKIN' DOWN HOME BATCH
Giant cookies with chocolate chip, peanut butter, white chips and macademia nuts, dried DM extracted from Robitussin, and a gooey chocolate center. Here's our fuckin' slogan
SATISFY THAT SWEET TOOTH WHILE HIDING FROM IMAGINARY ZOMBIES AND THEIR INSATIABLE DESIRE TO EAT YOU WHILE THESE FUCKIN' COOKIES ARE IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM
"WFPN'S NEW YEAR'S EVE DRUNKTANKATHON"
New Years Eve variety show featuring Bob Probert, Sean Young, Rip Taylor, and Emo Phillips. Some scripted some improvised but mostly getting partygoers drunk in various cities and having them do things for us network heads. I wanna see Sean Young claw out the eyes of a carnie.
possible sponsor
CAPTAIN RUSS' WOLVERINE JERKY
Captain Russ' is a bi-curious longshoreman hailing from Boston MASS. Sure, his sexual preferences got him many a chops busted in the dockworkers circles. He spent many a lonely night perfecting the wolverine jerky we all know enjoy.
"My Wolverine Jerky is guaranteed to make even a statue of Thomas Jefferson come all over the place like a Mormon in a lingerie store"
"HISTORY OF EVIL AND THE CULINARY ARTS"
This spot is geared towards retired folks and their feeble brains. Host is probably going to be Shelly Winters or Robert Blake. I'm just going to have little biographies on mass murderers and dictators and such. First one hour episode will feature Dr. Joseph Mengele, The Nazi Doctor and will also include tips on making that perfect Sausage Gumbo. Musical guests will include, but not limited to: The Boredoms, Shirley Bassey, Man Or Astroman, and Harry Belafonte. You would think that getting these huge stars would be a problem. Not so! I'm pretty sure I'll be the only game in town after we get Rupert Murdoch's head perched atop the Empire State building in our little revolution.
possible sponsor
MAMA HARRIET'S STRETCH MARK CREAM AND OINTMENT.
"WE CAN MAKE LEPORS LOOK LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD WANT TO FUCK, OR YOUR MONEY BACK."
I know this is just the start of something revolutionary in broadcasting. I'll keep you all posted on any new developments.
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
Derek Bailey "Ballads"
I'm going to follow Derek around every performance until he croakes like the stinky hippies follow Jerry Garcia. I'll be taping, without permission, to use on the Whiskey Fight Pit Network. My precious!
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
i do need to tell you that you are brilliant. someone should pay you. benefits, too. i totally need to call my cable company to tell them that i would like to subscribe to the WFP channel! yeah! i want some of grandma dicktease's delish robo-cookies!!
so yeah, re: black keys...can you even believe that 2 white boys from akorn ohia make such aural goodness?!? i actually did a 2.5 year stint in that rubber-making town right outta h.s. went to u. of akorn but mostly fucked that town up. follys of youth, indeed.
i wish you much goodness, sir.
First off, I would like these gutless hack writers to be put on notice....The number one show in my line up goes as follows: Taught noirsh story lines with razor sharp wit and class acted out with intensity......while the viewer only sees the actors from the waist down. Would have of this shit fly on TV if you cut out the craptastic dialouge and pretty faces.....doubtful. Second show would be something like this.....Henry Rollins host a new reality show. Take the most rat faced fucker you know from your hometown.....trick him into thinking he is either gonna win big money/or a hot date.......then send him him to punk rawk bootcamp.....and watch his fat ass die from the strain....or pop out into a productive member of society.....I could go on.....but I am not sure you have room at your empire for the likes of my bloated ideals....While were on the topic of dream bands ( which I think about, but never fess up to)
Nick Cave-vocals
Mike Watt-Bass
Roland S Howard-Guitar
John Vandersclice-guitar
Joh Strannier-Drums
Bang on a Can-backing orchestra
and a slew of guest performers......
while playing to the manipulated sounds of PAINKILLER over a quadraphonic stero PA
Thanks for the welcome back.....