A very long time ago (nearly 20 years), I met a wonderful young lady on one of the dating sites of the time. This was before smart phones were a thing so we had to use physical computers and get on the full-sized internet in order to be creepy to strangers... IYKYK.
Anyway... we had exchanged numbers and were texting and talking on the phone very consistently for a week or two. We both had just a lot of things in our respective schedules at the time so it took us a while to finally meet in person. We eventually made plans for dinner, however.
It was late December and we agreed to meet at an Applebee's on a Friday night around 6pm. Plenty early enough to go elsewhere after if things went well. I was sure there was a good chance of that since we had already talked so much before hand and were definitely vibing.
She, of course, was beautiful and definitely had put in some effort in her appearance. I'm assuming because her feelings towards meeting me were just as positive as mine towards her. I definitely thought I hit the jackpot. "Don't screw this up..." I thought to myself.
Cue the ominous foreshadowing...
Dinner started as well as it could. The restaurant was busy and abuzz with the post-Christmas cheer. Many families were in attendance this night. We managed to get seated promptly and very quickly had an appetizer and then our dinners. All the while we were engaged in the typical small talk you'd expect. Things were going well, or so I thought.
That's when the unexpected happened. As we poked at our dinner plates, the conversation slowed, then stopped all together. We both started glancing up from our meal every few minutes with awkward smiles. We had run out of things to talk about! "Oh, no!" I thought. Had we talked too much on the phone before hand? Surely not. But this date was crashing fast and I needed to save it.
My mind raced and quickly formulated a plan to pick the conversation back up. I reached for my jacket seated next to me in the booth. My hand ransacked the inner chest pocket for the tools of saving this night. I retrieved what I search for: a twisty balloon, a small balloon pump, and a sharpie marker. "Perfect!" I thought and I preceeded to inflate the balloon and expertly twist up a small white balloon mouse. I garnished it with some cute eyes and whiskers using the marker and there my masterpiece was!
It was when I was beginning to hand it to her that I noticed that the restaurant had gotten considerably quieter. Tables near us were alerted to my doings due to the sharp squeaks the balloon made while twisting up the animal. More eyes than just hers were locked on me, especially those belonging to small children. You could almost feel every parent collectively groan as they suddenly had to keep their children from leaping from the tables in an attempt to bum rush me for their own animals. Thankfully, they all succeeded and I was left unbothered by excited children. Annoyed glares pierced my skin from all directions except my date's.
I handed this gift to her with pride, seemingly oblivious to the horror that I suddenly read all over her face. She was actually pale, her eyes wide with bewilderment. She tenderly took the balloon from me and stared down at it in her hands for what felt like an eternity. It was at that moment that my perfect plan didn't seem so awesome but maybe there's still hope. Maybe she's just taken aback by the pure randomness of the act and will find it endearing when she recoils. She slowly looked up at me. Her voice shuddered as she asked, "you keep twisty balloons on you at all times?"
Its here where I'll add that I honestly, to this day, have no idea why I had these accessories on my person this night. I think they were in my jacket because I pranked a workmate earlier in the day and forgot to leave them in the truck at dinner. Regardless, her query sent me into a panic. Of course I didn't keep them on me all the time! What kind of weirdo does that? Seeing how disturbed she was, I painfully attempted to form an answer that didn't send her screaming from the table. I played every answer and reaction scenario in my head and I'm pretty sure my soul left my body for a bit because where I landed was: "uh...yeah. you know... in case of emergencies..."
Color returned to her face but her attitude swiftly turned very unimpressed with my entire existence. The time was barely past 7pm, on a Friday, during what would be a holiday break week for nearly every school in the entirety of the United States and she preceeded to inform me that she needed to jet off home for homework. Allegedly she had to work on an essay for one of her college classes. A lie obviously, but I didn't dare protest. The gravity of my actions were setting in. I didn't blame her for wanting to escape. I did too. Hell, I wanted to be smashed by falling asteroid. I stared at the sky as I walked her to her car. Damn, no asteroids. She told me that she had a great time and would call me in the coming days to schedule another outing. Another lie obliviously. Again, no challenge on my side.
I drove home in silence and made peace with the fact that I'd never see her again. Oh, well. I wasn't upset at her at all. I got it. Back to the internet dating sites I went to try again. This time a little bit wiser:
No balloon animals on a first date.
I never did see her again but more importantly, I've never made an unsolicited balloon animal for anyone since. If you want one, ask.