Thanksgiving 2010
Someone once said that friends are god's way of making up for family. I don't know if that's true since most of my friends piss me on a daily basis, whilst my family only pisses me off during the holidays. Though I do believe they make up for lost time.
I arrive at my father's house at 11:15 after driving past the local grocery store with the anticipation that I'll need at least a bottle of wine to get through this. The store is closed. I walk in through my father's garage and notice the custom made bumper sticker that he's placed on his lawnmower. It reads "I've been around for 22 administrations and NEVER have I seen one as incompetent as Obama's". I sigh. The door to the house opens and I seen my dear step mother has dressed their dog up in some sort of bandana with the stars and stripes on it. I sigh.
When I say "dinner with family" I mostly mean, dinner with my step mothers family. I look around the house and see my dad, my younger brother, my step brother, my step mother, my step grandmother, my step aunt and two of my step cousins with one of their boyfriends. I haven't seen these two step cousins in quite a while. I notice the older one is pregnant and looking quite large. I also notice that her younger sister has filled out quite nicely in her 21 years on earth. What a shame, that we're technically related. I nod all around the room and head for the fridge.
Molson Canadian, I'll be that guy. I sit at the table where my cousins are talking about where they'll be shopping tomorrow and what they're going to buy. I drink my beer and don't say a word. My younger brother sets down his glass of water and sit directly across from me. His lips twitch nervously like they always have and his eyes cross the room repeatedly. He's listening to these broads gab about Pier One Imports and he's smiling, the way someone who isn't included in the conversation smiles until they're seen smiling, at which point they realize they're not included and stop. I sigh. My father sets down the turkey and the entire table begins to pray. I look at my brother, we're the only two not thanking Jesus for this mediocre meal. I raise my beer to him and wink, he rolls his eyes.
Dinner proceeds as usual, not too many people talking, just quietly eating. That is, until my father begins talking about a movie he has seen, called "Babies"? He begins talking about babies from across the world, when he mentions a particular Mongolian baby the movie depicted, I look at my brother and say "gross". He says, "what?". I say, "Mongolian babies". He shakes his head. I get up and get another beer.
Dinner ends and the table starts to clear one by one until I'm left with just myself and my beer. I think that this is way Thanksgiving should always be. Me, table, beer. Until my cousins return with the ads from the local newspaper. Ads are literally flying across the table in a horrible display of two crazed consumers with pockets full of green backs. Two ads slide beside me, one for Kmart and one for Victoria Secret. I tilt my head and look the busty broads dressed in lace. When I look up from the ad I see the youngest looking at me, you looking at those? she asks. Am I looking at this Victoria Secret ad? Go on, take my last bit of joy She takes the ad and I sigh.
I leave the table and head for the fridge. Taking the second to last beer I anticipate my stay will only last another 15-25 minutes, or until some bastard takes the last Molson. Sitting down on the couch I grab the remote and flip through the channels, 158 channels of pure shit. This is why I dont own a television. Step aunt starts to talk about her youngest boy. A 120 pound lean, mean, fighting Marine. Apparently hes been deployed to Spain in what she claims is an anti-terrorist unit. I hold back the laughter, thinking of the young boy who could easily be taken with a bent paper clip.
I turn the channel and find a movie about Nazis, setting down the remote I look at my younger brother and say If only Germany had made their way to Mongolia. Looking at the clock I see the time is 2:30. Two and a half hours into this bitch and only 3 beers have been consumed. Time is up.
Someone once said that friends are god's way of making up for family. I don't know if that's true since most of my friends piss me on a daily basis, whilst my family only pisses me off during the holidays. Though I do believe they make up for lost time.
I arrive at my father's house at 11:15 after driving past the local grocery store with the anticipation that I'll need at least a bottle of wine to get through this. The store is closed. I walk in through my father's garage and notice the custom made bumper sticker that he's placed on his lawnmower. It reads "I've been around for 22 administrations and NEVER have I seen one as incompetent as Obama's". I sigh. The door to the house opens and I seen my dear step mother has dressed their dog up in some sort of bandana with the stars and stripes on it. I sigh.
When I say "dinner with family" I mostly mean, dinner with my step mothers family. I look around the house and see my dad, my younger brother, my step brother, my step mother, my step grandmother, my step aunt and two of my step cousins with one of their boyfriends. I haven't seen these two step cousins in quite a while. I notice the older one is pregnant and looking quite large. I also notice that her younger sister has filled out quite nicely in her 21 years on earth. What a shame, that we're technically related. I nod all around the room and head for the fridge.
Molson Canadian, I'll be that guy. I sit at the table where my cousins are talking about where they'll be shopping tomorrow and what they're going to buy. I drink my beer and don't say a word. My younger brother sets down his glass of water and sit directly across from me. His lips twitch nervously like they always have and his eyes cross the room repeatedly. He's listening to these broads gab about Pier One Imports and he's smiling, the way someone who isn't included in the conversation smiles until they're seen smiling, at which point they realize they're not included and stop. I sigh. My father sets down the turkey and the entire table begins to pray. I look at my brother, we're the only two not thanking Jesus for this mediocre meal. I raise my beer to him and wink, he rolls his eyes.
Dinner proceeds as usual, not too many people talking, just quietly eating. That is, until my father begins talking about a movie he has seen, called "Babies"? He begins talking about babies from across the world, when he mentions a particular Mongolian baby the movie depicted, I look at my brother and say "gross". He says, "what?". I say, "Mongolian babies". He shakes his head. I get up and get another beer.
Dinner ends and the table starts to clear one by one until I'm left with just myself and my beer. I think that this is way Thanksgiving should always be. Me, table, beer. Until my cousins return with the ads from the local newspaper. Ads are literally flying across the table in a horrible display of two crazed consumers with pockets full of green backs. Two ads slide beside me, one for Kmart and one for Victoria Secret. I tilt my head and look the busty broads dressed in lace. When I look up from the ad I see the youngest looking at me, you looking at those? she asks. Am I looking at this Victoria Secret ad? Go on, take my last bit of joy She takes the ad and I sigh.
I leave the table and head for the fridge. Taking the second to last beer I anticipate my stay will only last another 15-25 minutes, or until some bastard takes the last Molson. Sitting down on the couch I grab the remote and flip through the channels, 158 channels of pure shit. This is why I dont own a television. Step aunt starts to talk about her youngest boy. A 120 pound lean, mean, fighting Marine. Apparently hes been deployed to Spain in what she claims is an anti-terrorist unit. I hold back the laughter, thinking of the young boy who could easily be taken with a bent paper clip.
I turn the channel and find a movie about Nazis, setting down the remote I look at my younger brother and say If only Germany had made their way to Mongolia. Looking at the clock I see the time is 2:30. Two and a half hours into this bitch and only 3 beers have been consumed. Time is up.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Will it be this way next year and the year after?