today
I work with Matt. amongst other things, Matt is a great big fat person. because of this he earned the clever nickname "Fat Matt". Matt has problems controlling his gut, hence he smells. he boasts about how he can fit a quarter in his nose and that when he was younger a urinary tract infection led to a sort of malformed "dick hole". imagine your stereotypical mama's boy who thinks his own farts are hysterical and chocolate milk shakes are the best thing since The Old Testament, and you'll have a good idea of what Matt is.
standing outside my car before work, Matt begins to talk about his new girlfriend, whom he met online. smoking my cigarette, im only listening because i'm waiting for the point where i get to laugh directly to his face. he continues to tell me it's there three week anniversary. i choke on smoke. i go through my head and maintain myself. furthermore, for there prestigious and often celebrated THREE WEEK anniversary, Matt and his darling girl are going out to the country to pick apples at an orchard.
*gun to mouth*
sweet mother of god. people do this sort of thing? it sounds like a fucking Hugh Grant movie without the British charm.
you know when somone says something outrageous and you say outloud "who says that?"....well....... who the fuck does that?
i can't wrap my mind around it, not any part of it. lets go through this really slowly...
1-Matt eating fruit or vegetables? bullshit. i've never seen him eat anything but pizza and some sort of Twinkie variation combined with gallons of Mountain Dew
2-Matt has a girlfriend?!
3-The time has come for apples to grow legs and run the fuck away. Godzilla is coming and with him he brings hell
4-Whos idea was this? did Matt's mom suggest this? was it the girl? what grade is she in? will her parents let her out past curfew?
I work with Matt. amongst other things, Matt is a great big fat person. because of this he earned the clever nickname "Fat Matt". Matt has problems controlling his gut, hence he smells. he boasts about how he can fit a quarter in his nose and that when he was younger a urinary tract infection led to a sort of malformed "dick hole". imagine your stereotypical mama's boy who thinks his own farts are hysterical and chocolate milk shakes are the best thing since The Old Testament, and you'll have a good idea of what Matt is.
standing outside my car before work, Matt begins to talk about his new girlfriend, whom he met online. smoking my cigarette, im only listening because i'm waiting for the point where i get to laugh directly to his face. he continues to tell me it's there three week anniversary. i choke on smoke. i go through my head and maintain myself. furthermore, for there prestigious and often celebrated THREE WEEK anniversary, Matt and his darling girl are going out to the country to pick apples at an orchard.
*gun to mouth*
sweet mother of god. people do this sort of thing? it sounds like a fucking Hugh Grant movie without the British charm.
you know when somone says something outrageous and you say outloud "who says that?"....well....... who the fuck does that?
i can't wrap my mind around it, not any part of it. lets go through this really slowly...
1-Matt eating fruit or vegetables? bullshit. i've never seen him eat anything but pizza and some sort of Twinkie variation combined with gallons of Mountain Dew
2-Matt has a girlfriend?!
3-The time has come for apples to grow legs and run the fuck away. Godzilla is coming and with him he brings hell
4-Whos idea was this? did Matt's mom suggest this? was it the girl? what grade is she in? will her parents let her out past curfew?
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
velvet_petal:
Lord, I hope I never get asked to go apple picking. Don't think I will as I am decidedly unagricultural, but if I do....you've spoiled it for me.
walkaway:
hahahaha! good lord, apple orchard, three week anniversary? i think i'd have popped a blood vessel listening to that. 