whatiwas

I have nothing to say, which is why I'm sitting here alone, in the office because I'm too tired to go home, resting my swollen eyes behind glasses that cut my skin and make my ears ache, wanting it to be Wednesday and, yet, not caring whether the world makes it that far.

Every conversation with one of my co-workers these days is a tricky...
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Monday.
"So, wait," I said, staring at the stoplight from behind the wheel of my grandfather's Infiniti, "What happened when you met my ex?"

Stevenson shifted in the passenger's seat, long legs pressed uncomfortably to the dash, as his dreadlocks caught in the seat belt. Behind us, Echo sat, doing something I couldn't see at the time. We'd run into Echo across the street from...
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I woke up at 8 to drop a car off at the mechanic's.

Rather than lie about insurance to get a loaner, I took the bus to my office, which was only a couple miles away.

I did some downloading and attempted to rest my head. Instead, I slept for almost two hours.

And now, my internal body clock is completely fucked, having no clue...
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the first time in bed with Tessa, she tried to give me a handjob.

it had been so long since anyone had even thought to attempt it, i was actually frozen speechless for a second, propped on my wrists above her with absolutely nothing to say while the logic began to connect -- you're not normal, darryl -- and the language began to seep through...
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by the time i was done washing, re-twisting and drying my hair, every word i'd dreamed up while standing in the bathroom with my hands above my head was either gone or submerged.

It's the early evening in Portland, beautiful because it's calm and cool and mild, and I'm locked in an office of my own volition, quietly tapping keys in the dark because, once again, I've made that cyclical turn to the point at which I feel completely unattractive and unlovable, resenting every self-absorbed impulse that makes me feel completely fucking worthless. i have no words, only...
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just so you know, the Anniversary's "The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter" is the only thing keeping me going right now.

I suppose it's worth disclaiming that I'm only referring to women in this piece when I say "girl," and that my use of some rather derogatory slurs commonly used for females in this country is actually gender-neutral, more referring to ideas than people. Furthermore, my use of the word "girl" to imply woman is not intended to be a conscious expression of hegemonic influence; it's...
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The sun hits the mountains and I'm unchanged, pointed straight down with my feet catching the updrafts and starting to spin me in slow, graceful spirals that almost make me forget that, eventually, the fall stops.

a glimpse of monday.

Staring at the stage at Dante's, hating the cigarette smoke in the air, I endured (ex-)girlfriend's sister's seemingly limitless energy and tried not to hate myself for allowing her within a fucking meter of me.

Every inch of me said I was a fool, but that was only the solid part--the other parts sat idle and, thus, so did my body....
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