whatiwas

This was a private entry some hours ago, but I erased it.

This was going to be a grand explication of just what was going on, but I got a paragraph into it and erased that too.

I was going to examine something I was feeling, something I was confused about and still trying to make sense of, but tonight just spun me in circles, so I'm going to dispense with the metaphors and have done with it.

I met someone shortly before I flew back to Iowa, someone I spent a brief time with and developed an intense connection with independent of physicality.

I had an intense New Year's Eve with someone I sort-of knew, a friend of a friend, which was supposed to be us getting to know each other and ended up being much more. Things got physical, but they also got emotional, too, rather unexpectedly.

Shortly thereafter, I had a fantastic two days hanging out with my best friend, who's actually the object of so much of my affection for the past year-and-a-half or so. I used the time to try to establish a sense of intimacy with her independent of my desire to be with her, which I thought went really well.

Still confused about all of this, I subsequently spent another night in the company of M, the friend of a friend from New Year's, trying to understand it all.

I'm confused about her, because I don't know her well but really did connect with her. I'm even more confused about my best friend, who is in a frightening part of her life, who seems to be afraid and confused and questioning what makes her happy.

I spent time trying to convince her I was going to try to be happy with her just as my best friend, admitting I wanted more.

Apparently, I didn't listen to her, because I missed out on something that I did read in her, contrary to what she thinks, but didn't want to admit it because I thought it was too good to be true.

I want to do right by M, who's also at a rough point in her life, which is even rougher than all our lives, but I don't know what to do.

And any hope I had of making sense of any of this is completely gone by now, partially because I'm still so fucking afraid of my present and my future, partally because I'm afraid that someone I love more than she thinks wants me out of her life.

And partially because I found out today that the lump on my father's testicle that he mentioned a year or so ago in passing, the lump he had examined in March, the lump he had examined this morning while I slept, broke and confused, guilty and frightened on his couch, the lump has gotten bigger. My father, the once-indestructible man who I still fear more than anything or anyone in the world, is genuinely falling apart. I can't look at the painkillers or diabetes medications or blood pressure medications that allow him to limp through the day and not completely lose any concept of reality.

I have no idea what I'm thinking anymore. I'm scared I'm going to fuck up everything in my control, and I'm scared of everything outside my control.

Anyone who's listening, I won't blame you if you stop. And if you don't stop, please forgive me; I'm probably going to make a lot more mistakes before I'm through. I'm sorry, especially if my mistakes hurt you, because I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'm going to go to sleep, because things are simpler there, and I can be insignificant and meaningless like I always am and it won't matter, because you can't fucking die in a dream, as the song says.