I am on the downstairs computer!
So the trip was sort of the right thing I needed I think? I deffiently needed to get out of Arizona for a bit. I have felt trapped for like a few years now, ever since I lost my car (which i used to just up and drive some where and try to get lost).
So Marc had told me to be ready by like 9:45, so I was up pretty early getting ready and finish packing. Despite being as tired as I was, I actually attempted to look adorable and do my make up (which I am still not any good at). So I decided to at lest go semi "girl" mode, lol which basically meant my normal look with heels. I mean it's my vacation and I am going to be some where with two people who dont care how I choose to present. So Marc shows up and I stumble out to the car carrying a million bags. I felt like that cliche girl who has to bring like everything, but basically I didnt want to leave any of my girl stuff behind since I am not out to my parents yet.
So we head off to meet Shane back at Marc's house, which I am not sure why they both just didnt come pick me up. So we packed up the car and headed to Fry's Marketplace (where Marc and I work) and I was just like you know what I dont care, I am wearing my heels in to work (where I am sure I confused a lot of people). We got some snacks and some drinks and then proceeded on our way.
In the back of Shane's car I stumble on this magazine called "Echo" which i guess is like a magazine for Arizona GBLT community, that has a ton of articles and like club listings and just all sorts of really interesting things (I need to track down a copy) so i am thumbing through it and I come to find that one of the girls who I meet at group one night was in there and it was just this sort of mindfuck moment and I was like hey! I know this girl. Also later when i showed Marc the magazine he found out that the group he attends had some pictures in there. It was just really weird.
We make it to the half way mark and I am just like not even thinking about what I am wearing so I decided to stumble my way to the bathroom. Come to find out I am getting some of the weirdest looks I have ever gotten in my life. So this guy is just like staring at me and I couldnt even like do my thing, so I ended up going to heck with this and I went and put on my converse and decided to retry this. So then I just decided to wear the converse from here on out which was okay by me since I still am a horrible walker in em.
So we check into the Knotts Berry Farm Resort Hotel, and attempt to figure out what we want to do for dinner. We all are huge fans of Sushi so we end up convincing ourselfs that we want some really good sushi, but there was like only these like all these sketchy all you can eat places. So we drive around till we find one that looks okay, (mind you there is like 3 on every corner) and we finally settle for this one called Wasabi and Sushi (which I admit we were skeptical) but low and behold it was the best sushi I have ever eaten in my life.
We decided to hit up Target on our way back to the hotel. Shane wanted to look for swimsuits so he could go swimming and apparently they are out of season. So like the girls me and him are we start looking at shoes and various other girlie items. I ended up finding some really cute undies (that fit like super amazing) and then we all just sort of spluged on make-up, I got an eye shadow kit, which I dont know what some of those places on my eye are. Some new foundation (which seems to be a better shade) and I finally picked up my signature perfume (Paris Hilton), which I have been meaning to get for a long time since its the only scent out of the entire Ulta that I could stand.
So we get back to the hotel and like the alcoholic I am I head down to the bar, which I was basically the only one there, other than the bar tenders like family. So I tried some 2 different versions of a Gin and Tonic (which was both amazing) and then I decided to test this bar tenders skill and threw him a Bloody Mary curve ball, which was like the best thing I have ever drinken in my life. So the bar closed at like 9 which was sort of weird and Marc and Shane called me back to the room so I could see Shane's like make-up look before he went to bed. So I ended up getting another Bloody Mary to go and went back up to the room and decided to make Marc watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall (which is like one of my favorite movies of all time)
So we head into Knotts right when they open and I am like omg! I didnt realize how much this was going to be just straight up roller costers. So I sort of became like the mom and held the backpack and just watched them have fun, which was fine by me. I was just happy to be out of Arizona, lol we walked around to all the shops which had some really cute stuff. I ended up getting some Snoopy earrings and match necklace which is a little small. Then we eneded the night at TGIF and then headed back home, cause both Marc and I had to work the next day lol
But basically I kind of just sort of didnt worry to much about being myself and sort of learned a bit more about maybe where I am going to end up. Its weird cause like every time I make some progress it never seems to be quite enough. I really need more friends locally that are going through the same thing or at lest support me.
Its so weird cause despite this being a time where I am trying to learn more about myself. I know that I really am still into girls, and its sort of worrying me that I am going to end up being too girlie for most girls, or that I am not quite equipt for like lesbian girls. So that makes me hesitent on heading down any sort of path.
So the trip was sort of the right thing I needed I think? I deffiently needed to get out of Arizona for a bit. I have felt trapped for like a few years now, ever since I lost my car (which i used to just up and drive some where and try to get lost).
So Marc had told me to be ready by like 9:45, so I was up pretty early getting ready and finish packing. Despite being as tired as I was, I actually attempted to look adorable and do my make up (which I am still not any good at). So I decided to at lest go semi "girl" mode, lol which basically meant my normal look with heels. I mean it's my vacation and I am going to be some where with two people who dont care how I choose to present. So Marc shows up and I stumble out to the car carrying a million bags. I felt like that cliche girl who has to bring like everything, but basically I didnt want to leave any of my girl stuff behind since I am not out to my parents yet.
So we head off to meet Shane back at Marc's house, which I am not sure why they both just didnt come pick me up. So we packed up the car and headed to Fry's Marketplace (where Marc and I work) and I was just like you know what I dont care, I am wearing my heels in to work (where I am sure I confused a lot of people). We got some snacks and some drinks and then proceeded on our way.
In the back of Shane's car I stumble on this magazine called "Echo" which i guess is like a magazine for Arizona GBLT community, that has a ton of articles and like club listings and just all sorts of really interesting things (I need to track down a copy) so i am thumbing through it and I come to find that one of the girls who I meet at group one night was in there and it was just this sort of mindfuck moment and I was like hey! I know this girl. Also later when i showed Marc the magazine he found out that the group he attends had some pictures in there. It was just really weird.
We make it to the half way mark and I am just like not even thinking about what I am wearing so I decided to stumble my way to the bathroom. Come to find out I am getting some of the weirdest looks I have ever gotten in my life. So this guy is just like staring at me and I couldnt even like do my thing, so I ended up going to heck with this and I went and put on my converse and decided to retry this. So then I just decided to wear the converse from here on out which was okay by me since I still am a horrible walker in em.
So we check into the Knotts Berry Farm Resort Hotel, and attempt to figure out what we want to do for dinner. We all are huge fans of Sushi so we end up convincing ourselfs that we want some really good sushi, but there was like only these like all these sketchy all you can eat places. So we drive around till we find one that looks okay, (mind you there is like 3 on every corner) and we finally settle for this one called Wasabi and Sushi (which I admit we were skeptical) but low and behold it was the best sushi I have ever eaten in my life.
We decided to hit up Target on our way back to the hotel. Shane wanted to look for swimsuits so he could go swimming and apparently they are out of season. So like the girls me and him are we start looking at shoes and various other girlie items. I ended up finding some really cute undies (that fit like super amazing) and then we all just sort of spluged on make-up, I got an eye shadow kit, which I dont know what some of those places on my eye are. Some new foundation (which seems to be a better shade) and I finally picked up my signature perfume (Paris Hilton), which I have been meaning to get for a long time since its the only scent out of the entire Ulta that I could stand.
So we get back to the hotel and like the alcoholic I am I head down to the bar, which I was basically the only one there, other than the bar tenders like family. So I tried some 2 different versions of a Gin and Tonic (which was both amazing) and then I decided to test this bar tenders skill and threw him a Bloody Mary curve ball, which was like the best thing I have ever drinken in my life. So the bar closed at like 9 which was sort of weird and Marc and Shane called me back to the room so I could see Shane's like make-up look before he went to bed. So I ended up getting another Bloody Mary to go and went back up to the room and decided to make Marc watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall (which is like one of my favorite movies of all time)
So we head into Knotts right when they open and I am like omg! I didnt realize how much this was going to be just straight up roller costers. So I sort of became like the mom and held the backpack and just watched them have fun, which was fine by me. I was just happy to be out of Arizona, lol we walked around to all the shops which had some really cute stuff. I ended up getting some Snoopy earrings and match necklace which is a little small. Then we eneded the night at TGIF and then headed back home, cause both Marc and I had to work the next day lol
But basically I kind of just sort of didnt worry to much about being myself and sort of learned a bit more about maybe where I am going to end up. Its weird cause like every time I make some progress it never seems to be quite enough. I really need more friends locally that are going through the same thing or at lest support me.
Its so weird cause despite this being a time where I am trying to learn more about myself. I know that I really am still into girls, and its sort of worrying me that I am going to end up being too girlie for most girls, or that I am not quite equipt for like lesbian girls. So that makes me hesitent on heading down any sort of path.
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No worries sweetness...you will figure it all out. It might take some time, but it took me until I was 30 to realize WHO I was and than until I was 34 to actually find love! It will happen.
Self has to come first