The Result of Free Time
Why is it that I seem to be an epicenter for bad shit? Granted, I live a much better life than many, and I am often the object of envy to m peer...But I am far from living a perfect life. So, I live in a paradox. On one hand, I crave more...I want more, I want to be a better person, I want more everything. On the other hand, how much more can I have? What is there left for a person who has so much?
It feels as though I am stuck in a purgatory. Trapped just wandering through life, wanting what I cannot have yet. Is that my destiny? To just wander through life, not accomplishing anything?
I wrote about it once, and I'll write about it again. I am a man of great potential. I have been blessed with so much talent in so many different areas. But, as with everything, this is a dual-edged sword. I am so gifted, yet people expect so much from me...And I can't handle that pressure...I can't be what they want me to be...What they think I can be.
I am a living, breathing Superman. On one hand, I am Kal-el; gifted with amazing powers and destined to do great things. And on the other hand, I am Clark Kent; a person who has fears, who has doubts, who want nothing more than to be normal.
But right now, at this very moment, I am neither of these men. Clark and Kal-el are perfectly balanced, but rather than create a peaceful equilibrium, this balance has left me in the purgatory mentioned above. I am stuck dreaming of great things, but lacking the motivation to accomplish them.
I blame it on my health. It has been twenty months since I was first diagnosed with the tumor. Most say I'm lucky. The tumor wasn't cancer-related, and it could always be worse. But words don't mean much. I've gone through two years of hell, and the suffering still isn't over. I know there are others who have survived much worse than I have, but it still feels as though there is no one who can relate to me...No one that can comfort me.
I had my life ripped away from me. My condition became all consuming. I often wonder about the life that could have been...The life that would have been if it were not for that fucking tumor. Who knows what I could have done. I probably would have come close to a 4.0 GPA, as I wouldn't have has constantly catch-up and teach myself material. I would have proved myself to that worthless piece of shit baseball coach, and who knows, maybe even have earned a scholarship to some smaller school. Life just would have been so much better had I not gotten sick.
My condition did open new doors for me though, mainly in the form of art. Without that tumor, I would have never focused so much on my art; I would never have cared. Like it or not, that tumor has given me a new life. But, it is a life overcome by fear. It seems as if it is the tumor living my life, not me. Every moment of my life now is the same: fearful..."I'm sick, just like before...These symptoms are the same...Is it there??? Has it come back???" Always worrying that it has come back, that I will have to spend another ten days in the hospital, that I will have to spend another month willing my body to walk down the street and back, that I will have even more of my life stolen away from me. I can never seem to escape the tumor. "Oh? I missed some school? Well, it was my tumor's fault." It is always there...Like a stranger in a van with candy, welcoming me into hell...It is such a dominant force in my life and is so controlling, that I don't know if this is really me living, or if it is my body just going through the actions, with the tumor calling the shots.
As some of you may know (Although most of you probably don't), I am not the most religious of people. The only thing keeping me from being an atheist is the fact that I fancy myself as a scientist, meaning that I believe that anything is possible. It is that almost non-existent part of me that believes which seems to come out in my most desperate of times. However, it hardly comes out in a faithful manner, full of praise. If God exists, why would he put his creations through such trials? What sin have I performed that warranted such punishment? Why must I suffer so much? Fuck hell...Fuck heaven...Fuck faith in a higher power...I'd trade so much of what is "good" about my life just to return to a state of normalcy...
Heh...This is quite pathetic...Writing this journal has almost brought me to the point of crying...It's brought me to the point of weakness yet again...I can't be weak...I can't be an emotional wreck again...
I'm scared...And I don't know what I can do...
Last note: I'm listening to "Rumors Of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated" by Rise Against, and I think they sum it up nicely:
"When I die, will they remember not what I did, but what I haven't done? It's not the end that I fear with each breath; It's life that scares me to death."
Note: The above was written in a rush earlier today, and I'm sure there are plenty of errors in there, but I'm not going to go back and try to fix them, or re-word anything. It is the message that is important anyway...Not how it is presented.
My Warlock Needs a Therapist
So, I logged on with my Warlock (female) on Bloodscalp yesterday and everything seemed normal. I went through my regular "Hey all" routine to the guild, spent some time reading some Mario references, when all of a sudden, two Gnomes come up to my char and make a sandwich out of me.
So here I am with a Gnome on either side of me. I ignore it at first and continue reading the guild chat. Then, the one behind me starts dancing with my char, and the one in front of me moves in and starts spamming the "nod" emote/command. So, I have one Gnome freak dancing with me, and another all up in my Warlock's..."Instance."
Story in a nutshell: I was molested by Gnomes yesterday
The Art Scene
Still working on my Batman cover...First piece I've really been excited about...Can't wait till I finish it...
Current Mood: Fearful and tired of crap
Currently Listening to: "Give it All" - Rise Against
Currently Watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of Smallville and Miami Ink
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix pr [p]X | KalEl Krypton's Last Son), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad), Battlefield 2 (PXPhoenix), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror or t3tsu0 on USWest)
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
Why is it that I seem to be an epicenter for bad shit? Granted, I live a much better life than many, and I am often the object of envy to m peer...But I am far from living a perfect life. So, I live in a paradox. On one hand, I crave more...I want more, I want to be a better person, I want more everything. On the other hand, how much more can I have? What is there left for a person who has so much?
It feels as though I am stuck in a purgatory. Trapped just wandering through life, wanting what I cannot have yet. Is that my destiny? To just wander through life, not accomplishing anything?
I wrote about it once, and I'll write about it again. I am a man of great potential. I have been blessed with so much talent in so many different areas. But, as with everything, this is a dual-edged sword. I am so gifted, yet people expect so much from me...And I can't handle that pressure...I can't be what they want me to be...What they think I can be.
I am a living, breathing Superman. On one hand, I am Kal-el; gifted with amazing powers and destined to do great things. And on the other hand, I am Clark Kent; a person who has fears, who has doubts, who want nothing more than to be normal.
But right now, at this very moment, I am neither of these men. Clark and Kal-el are perfectly balanced, but rather than create a peaceful equilibrium, this balance has left me in the purgatory mentioned above. I am stuck dreaming of great things, but lacking the motivation to accomplish them.
I blame it on my health. It has been twenty months since I was first diagnosed with the tumor. Most say I'm lucky. The tumor wasn't cancer-related, and it could always be worse. But words don't mean much. I've gone through two years of hell, and the suffering still isn't over. I know there are others who have survived much worse than I have, but it still feels as though there is no one who can relate to me...No one that can comfort me.
I had my life ripped away from me. My condition became all consuming. I often wonder about the life that could have been...The life that would have been if it were not for that fucking tumor. Who knows what I could have done. I probably would have come close to a 4.0 GPA, as I wouldn't have has constantly catch-up and teach myself material. I would have proved myself to that worthless piece of shit baseball coach, and who knows, maybe even have earned a scholarship to some smaller school. Life just would have been so much better had I not gotten sick.
My condition did open new doors for me though, mainly in the form of art. Without that tumor, I would have never focused so much on my art; I would never have cared. Like it or not, that tumor has given me a new life. But, it is a life overcome by fear. It seems as if it is the tumor living my life, not me. Every moment of my life now is the same: fearful..."I'm sick, just like before...These symptoms are the same...Is it there??? Has it come back???" Always worrying that it has come back, that I will have to spend another ten days in the hospital, that I will have to spend another month willing my body to walk down the street and back, that I will have even more of my life stolen away from me. I can never seem to escape the tumor. "Oh? I missed some school? Well, it was my tumor's fault." It is always there...Like a stranger in a van with candy, welcoming me into hell...It is such a dominant force in my life and is so controlling, that I don't know if this is really me living, or if it is my body just going through the actions, with the tumor calling the shots.
As some of you may know (Although most of you probably don't), I am not the most religious of people. The only thing keeping me from being an atheist is the fact that I fancy myself as a scientist, meaning that I believe that anything is possible. It is that almost non-existent part of me that believes which seems to come out in my most desperate of times. However, it hardly comes out in a faithful manner, full of praise. If God exists, why would he put his creations through such trials? What sin have I performed that warranted such punishment? Why must I suffer so much? Fuck hell...Fuck heaven...Fuck faith in a higher power...I'd trade so much of what is "good" about my life just to return to a state of normalcy...
Heh...This is quite pathetic...Writing this journal has almost brought me to the point of crying...It's brought me to the point of weakness yet again...I can't be weak...I can't be an emotional wreck again...
I'm scared...And I don't know what I can do...
Last note: I'm listening to "Rumors Of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated" by Rise Against, and I think they sum it up nicely:
"When I die, will they remember not what I did, but what I haven't done? It's not the end that I fear with each breath; It's life that scares me to death."
Note: The above was written in a rush earlier today, and I'm sure there are plenty of errors in there, but I'm not going to go back and try to fix them, or re-word anything. It is the message that is important anyway...Not how it is presented.
My Warlock Needs a Therapist
So, I logged on with my Warlock (female) on Bloodscalp yesterday and everything seemed normal. I went through my regular "Hey all" routine to the guild, spent some time reading some Mario references, when all of a sudden, two Gnomes come up to my char and make a sandwich out of me.
So here I am with a Gnome on either side of me. I ignore it at first and continue reading the guild chat. Then, the one behind me starts dancing with my char, and the one in front of me moves in and starts spamming the "nod" emote/command. So, I have one Gnome freak dancing with me, and another all up in my Warlock's..."Instance."
Story in a nutshell: I was molested by Gnomes yesterday
The Art Scene
Still working on my Batman cover...First piece I've really been excited about...Can't wait till I finish it...
Current Mood: Fearful and tired of crap
Currently Listening to: "Give it All" - Rise Against
Currently Watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of Smallville and Miami Ink
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix pr [p]X | KalEl Krypton's Last Son), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad), Battlefield 2 (PXPhoenix), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror or t3tsu0 on USWest)
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
oh and the website you can go to is www.alphaherbs.com and you should be able to find the contact info there.. if not let me know and ill email you his (rick) phone number.
and.. if someone stole my pix that would be really sad.. but i dont think anyone would do that.. maybe the gnomes did.. bastards!
X
Onie