weston

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd known the difference

Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smoking gun
A sign of my indifference

Always keeping safe inside
Where no one ever had a chance
To penetrate or break in

Let me tell you some have tried
But I would slam the door so tight
That they could never get in

Kept my cool under lock and key
And I never shed a tear
Another sign of my condition

Fear of love or bitter vanity
That kept me on the run
The main events at my confession

I kept a chain upon my door
That would shake the shame of Cain
Into a blind submission

The burning ghost without a name
Was still calling all the same
But I just wouldn't listen

The longer I'd stall
The further I'd crawl
The further I'd crawl
The harder I'd fall
I was crawling into the fire

The more that I saw
The further I'd fall
The further I'd fall
The lower I'd crawl
I kept falling into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire

Suddenly it occurred to me
The reason for the run and hide
Had totaled my existence

Everything left on the other side
Could never be much worse than this
But could I go the distance

I faced the door and all my shame
Tearing off each piece of chain
Until they all were broken

But no matter how I tried
The other side was locked so tight
That door it wouldn't open

Gave it all that I got
And started to knock
Then shouted for someone
To open that lock
I just gotta get through the door

And the more that I knocked
The hotter I got
The hotter I got
The harder I'd knock
I just gotta break through the door

Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Break through the door

Slackimus Maximus

Yea, so I've pretty much been MIA from just about every site I regularly visit. Sorry for the lurking, but I've just been in a funk as of late and have just kept pushing back updating and commenting. I'll try to catch up with everyone and stay active, but I can't make any promises.

The Funk Begins

Don't get your hopes up. This ain't no get down with your bad self kind of funk. This is a something ain't right in the world type of deal.

I think I might have said this in my last journal (Honestly, I'm too lazy right now to go check), but I've been drifting through life for the past few weeks. I found myself in a very awkward transition period. You see, I had been relatively healthy for about a month's period. And now, that health is slowly starting to deteriorate. Unfortunately, it wasn't at a point where I could go to a doctor's office and get a prescription for medicine. What sucks about this situation, is that my health is now at a point where once again, I don't feel good at all throughout the entire day.

So for a while there, I was in a strange phase where I was feeling crappy enough to not be able to go anywhere, but I was not quite sick enough to be able to go to the doctor's either. I would rather I just plunged into a full-blown sinus infection or illness than rather just gradually get there. At least that way I could get on medication and get it all over with, instead of basically just spending my time waiting for it to happen.

All too quickly I found myself in that full-blown sinus infection however. As the weather turned here I found myself sick enough to finally get into a doctor's office. It was actually a very good thing we went in. I found out that the nurse's brother there had actually suffered from the exact same thing I am. While the cases were a bit different, the essentials were practically alike. The constant state of not feeling well, of always feeling pressure and pain in the face, the frustration of the whole situationEverything she said, I just shook my head in agreement with it. It was nice to finally have someone with some experience of what I'm going through. I mean, when I describe what's wrong with me, I always feel as though people don't really get it. They ask what is wrong with me, and I try to put it into words that they could understand; "It's like have a horrendous sinus infection, being completely stuffy and runny, having post-nasal drip, etc." I mean, just hear that, it doesn't seem so bad right? See, it is hard for me to get across to people just how bad this whole ordeal is. So it was nice to have someone who lived with someone with this and knows just what is going on, and is very sympathetic to my situation and willing to help us.

Anyway, mentally I'm very frustrated at this point. I feel like shit, don't want to do anything, and am slowly falling into the all too familiar routine of feeling sick all the time. I really just want to move on with my life, but it appears as though that just won't happen any time son.

Physically, well, I don't even want to think where I am physically. The whole running thing was a pretty big smack to the face. It really made it clear that I was much further behind than I had ever imagined. Now with this oncoming illness, I'm concerned with how much further I'll fall. How much longer can my body hold up against these sick phases? Another four weeks? Another four months? When I finally feel healthy again, will I physically even be able to make it down the street without crumbling to the ground?

Oh, and for those of you who might be wonderingThe nurse's brother's tumor stopped growing when he was twenty-four. For those of you keeping score at home, that would be a little over four years for me. It all depends on when I stop growing, and my greatest fear is that it'll reach into those mid twenties

Send the Pain Below

Ya know, it really is hard to push through the pain sometimes.

I woke up the other morning, and it felt like someone had stabbed me in the face. My face just ached and had this sharp pain running through it. Even the right half of my face (Generally the good side) was achy. Imagine this pain fluctuating in intensity throughout the entire day (From a constant dull pain to OH MY GOD MY HEAD IS EXPLODING!!!).

I've been taking regular doses of Extra Strength Tylenol and have been putting ice packs on my face throughout the day. While these remedies do help, the relief from the pain only lasts for a very, very short time.

Sadly, this pain has continued throughout the week, as my antibiotic hasn't taken affect yet. Things are getting to a point where my face is starting to swell again. Mix in the dry weather as of late, and I'm now suffering from dried out innards, meaning my nostrils grow raw and bleed, and in the morning I wake up to a raw mouth and throat that cracks and bleeds.

Doesn't it all just sound great?

A Nice Distraction

So yesterday (Saturday) was my mom's birthday. We were supposed to wake up early, grab a bit of breakfast, and go to lunch at noon-ish with my brother, his girlfriend, and their kids. WellThings didn't quite work that way.

Like I said, we were planning on going out to lunch at one at the latest, but my brother had other plans. And rather than change those plans, he decided that we should push lunch back until three. You see, that doesn't quite work for us, seeing as the three of us wanted to go out to dinner, and a three o'clock lunch means wouldn't be hungry until like eight at night. Call me old, but that is hella late for going out to a restaurant.

Anyway, so like I said, my brother didn't want to change his plans, and so we said we weren't going and he threw a little hissy fit. Excuse me, but isn't this our mom's birthday? Shouldn't you be doing what she wants and make plans accordingly? Whatever

So, he was made, and we were made, but leave it up to my dad to save the day. He comes up with the idea of going out on a drive, and it actually turned into a nice little trip. We headed up to Julian and grabbed some pie. I ordered classic apple, my dad got pumpkin apple (Which he grew to like after the first couple bites), and my mom got cherry apple. We also purchased a peach apple pie for home. As you non-San Diegians may have noticed, apple pies are Julian's specialty.

After that we went a bit further to Borrego Springs to some resort hotel place. It was a very nice place actually. Full of attendants, a very nice bathroom (Seeing as it was one of the first rooms I visited, I figured it warranted a mention), and lots of nice little spots to relax at. We ended up having lunch there, and the food was very, very good. The only complaints I have is that the money was practically non-existent (If memory serves correctly, there were four soups/salads, three sandwiches, and three or four entries), and some of the prices were really out there (One of the fish entrees hit twenty-eight dollars).

Anyway, my parents ordered salads (My mom's featured fresh fruit, and my dad's featured a bowl made of fried cheese), while I ordered a club sandwich. Let me tell you, this had to be just about the best club I've ever hadIt was simply delicious. And a very healthy portion too, in fact I brought home half of the sandwich and half of the fries and had that for dinner. Our waiter seemed to be a well-traveled young man. I over heard him talking with some guests about European places they had been, and he listed the languages he spoke (Which must have been around six).

Anyway, it was very relaxing out there. It was a beautiful day in the mid-eighties, and they had misters going to keep us nice and cool. I also picked up a pair of sunglasses out there since the ones I have now hurt one of my ears

Let me just say this, being on antibiotics, which cause nasea, then having a stomach full of food, and then driving through mountain switchbacks is a recipe for disaster. Now I have a top notch stomach when it comes to motion (e.g. the old story of me eating nachos in a ship while everyone around seemed ready to vomit, etc.), but the combination of all the things above caused me to feel car sick for the first time in what must be at least ten years.

Home Coming

So, we finally get in, and my mom wants to go over so that my brother won't be all pissed off anymore. She says, "Oh, we'll only be there for a little bit." In the history of existence, has a mother ever lived up to her words and only stayed for a little bit? I didn't think so. We ended up staying for about three hours, and of course experience the full spectrum of emotions four little kids will hit.

First they were all excited and hid to throw to surprise my mom. In the process of hiding, Emily ran into a door knob. So after the initial excitement wore off, she had to ice her eye, and let's just say, she wasn't in the greatest of moods (But hey, what's new there?). Karens was on a major sugar rush and was about to crash hard when we left. She spent the entire night blowing this noise maker, and just wouldn't stop no matter who told her or how many times she was told. Then, Danian and Frankie get into a fight. Then Danian and Emily get into a fight. So much drama in such a little place

Don't get me wrong, I love all the kids and love spending time with themBut three hours of nothing but attitude is tiring

So, we finially get home a little after seven, and hunger is barely just starting in. I've had a long day and was not feeling well at all, so I opted to stay home and have my sandwich rather than go out to dinner. While my parents were gone, I wrapped my mom's gifts (Which she picked out mind you), and drew her a rose (For the second time). Hey, I had to have at least one surprise for here. She seemed to like it, and I'm glad because it hurt like hell to make it. Bending over my work just killed my face. Anyway, I'll try to get a scan of it up by next entry.

All in all, my mom came away with two sweaters, a iPod home system (Alarm clock, radio, charger), a book, two sets of gold hoop earings, and my drawing.

Randomness





A match made in Heaven? I think so! I've said it once, and I'll say it again! Morgan Webb, will you have my babies?

I was also bored one day and made myself as a South Park character!



Yea, that so went on the front page of my MySpace

The Wrap-Up

Yea, so I'm feeling like shit again. The month or so break I had was niceJust too bad it couldn't last longer.

Hope you all are doing well. Much love to everyone!

-Weston

Current Mood: Bleh...
Currently Listening to: "Gotta Knock a Little Harder" - Yoko Kanno
Currently watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | Suckimus Maximus, or [p]X | Beware the Kha'ak), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl or =PXConqueror=), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
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