weston

Have you ever felt lost, confused, and hopeless? Yea, I'm getting there

Ain't Nothin' Like Playoff Baseball ya Heard?

Playoff baseball is crazy. There's nothing like it in the world. And for the second year in a row I was a part of it.

I remember my first playoff game so well. It was 1998, and the Padres were in the World Series against the always-hated Yankees. We were up in the nosebleed seatsOut in center field. Just about as far away from the action as we could get, but even out there, the atmosphere was electric. Fans were going crazy. It was amazing.

My second game, last year, wasn't as memorable. Again we were sitting in the upper sections. This time around right field. It was a chilly night and the wind was blowing, making it even colder. Once again, I was faced with the heartbreak of a post season loss.

But this yearThis year I came into the playoffs knowing things would be different. This was our year. Every other team was coming into the post season hurting, and here we were, healthy and with a dominant pitching staff. I knew we would go far. But sadly, things did not work out that way.

Before the game started we decided to do a bit of exploring and went up to the rooftop bar of the Hilton.





Man, do I really need to get my hair trimmed up in the back.

Game 1 of the NLDS against the Cardinals was a drag to say the least. We ended up getting tickets in section 129, which is actually where our season tickets are. We were a few rows back form our regular seats. It was a mid-day game, so the sun was just beating down on us. Ignoring pleas from my parents, I paid little attention to the elements and came away with sunburns on my neck, face, and ears.

Anyway, to get back on track, the game was downright boring. We would get so closeJust needing that one clutch hit to get some runs inBut that hit never came. Us fans would jump to our feet, clapping, stomping, and yelling our hearts out. You could just feel something in the airThe place was ready to explode. On every rally you could feel itBut the players never came through for us.

By the end of the day, us fans were drained:



Above you can see my look of disapproval of the Padres play. My mom was to my left, but she refuses to be seen on the internet, so sadly, I had to blur her out, once again.

This would be a good time to point out that Petco has to be just about the worst park in the history of all existence. Why you ask? Because they did absolutely nothing this year. Not a damn thing!

Game 1 of the post-seasonYou'd think they'd do something to get the fans pumped right? I mean, even last year, with just one home game they handed out rally towels. What did they do this year? Nothing. Nothing at all. No rally towels. No noisemakers. No nothing. Well, I take that back, they were handed out one thingLeft over "Mission October" signs. Yea, those were really helpful considering we were already in fucking October and in the fucking playoffs!!!

Then, later in Game 1, I witnessed a crime against humanity. The Padres were in the middle of a rally. One of those moments I described where we were all ready to explode with excitement, and ushers were actually coming down into the stands and yelling at people to sit down.

Are you fucking kidding me??? This is fucking playoff baseball here! We are at a fucking baseball park!!! We are in the middle of a rally!!! And they want us to sit down a shut up like this is some fucking golf match?!?! It was completely ridiculous. If I wanted to sit on my ass and watch the game, I would have saved my dad $50 and watched the game from home. You don't go to the park to sit and be quiet.

But, that's enough ranting on that. Time for Game 2!!! We ended up selling our tickets outside of the gates for $50 (The Padres' screwed us over big time when we tried to sell them online at their site, so we were forced to scalpAnd ended up losing $10 in the process as we sold the tickets for $50 instead of the face value of $60). Why were we selling tickets you ask? Well, a family friend of ours had bought a bunch of extra tickets, and the seats were much better than ours, so we went with them. It was good to catch up with all of them, since I haven't seen them in a few years.

It was a much better day for watching baseball however. There was a nice cool breeze for most of the game, which made sitting in the sun much more comfortable. The game, once again, was a drag. Despite our best efforts, we lost yet another game (How could our rally caps fail us?!).

Afterwards we all went to Shakey's, ate some pizza, and had a air hockey tournament. As I put it, I was the Kansas City Royals of air hockey. I ended up going 0-4But I gave everyone a run for their money!

It was really nice getting to catch up with everyone, but it is a shame the Padres couldn't take the series Our offense was just downright terrible.

Yet Another Room Makeover!

So I've changed things up a bit in my room. Not anything major like last time, but we ended up buying a new bedspread. I couldn't believe how expensive those things are. There was a really nice one that I liked, but it was $200. $200?!?! Are you kidding me??? That's highway robberyI mean, you're just getting some sheets and a comforter

Anyway, here is a photo of the one I settled one:



We also bought those two smaller pillows as well. Oh my goodness are they comfy! The sheets are the same print as the bigger pillows in case you are wondering.

The Most Important News Topic of All - Me

Now, I know you've all been waiting desperately to hear what's been going on with me. Not what I have been up to, but how I've been. Well, you patience will be greatly rewarded my followers, as below you will get to hear all aboutMe!

I'm extremely lost at the moment. I just feel lost, and confused, and like I'm drifting again. And let me tell you, it is no fun to just drift through life.

Mentally, I am ready to just move on. To push through, deal with the crap, and move on with my life. But physically, I'm no where close to achieving that goal.

Remember how not too long ago I posted that I had bought new running shoes? Well, I put them to the test yesterday. I woke up early and went for a morning jog. I had thought I was taking it really easy, I mean compared to what I used to be able to run, this was nothing. I would run for a bit, then walk for a bit, then run for a bit, etc. So, there I was, just about to finish my last run of the day, up a hill. I got about twenty feet away from the crest of the little hill when my body just quit on me. My head started pounding, my legs felt like jello, my eyes were struggling to stay open, and the next thing I knew, I was bent over vomiting in the street.

It reminded me so much of when I was first diagnosed, that I was put into a complete state of shock and fear. See, back in the day, right before I was diagnosed, I was still trying to play baseball. So, I'd be running at practice, and I would just be completely gassed for no apparent reason. So much so, that even after light runs, I'd be put on the brink of passing out. And yesterday was so much like those days.

So, I picked myself up and continued one. I took about two steps before my body rebelled again and I found myself, once again, bent over and vomiting in the street. I had my cell phone with me and could have easily called my mom at that point to come pick me up. But for some reason, some sense of determination came over me. Despite the fits my body was throwing, I pushed through, keeping to a steady walking pace.

Let me tell ya, shit like that seriously screws with my mind. I still want to push myself and grow strong once again, but no my mind is filled with this great doubt. It's just likeI really want to get this chapter of my life over with. I don't like the path I've been put on, I'm tired of accepting the suffering, and what it really comes down to is that I'm tired of the tumor controlling every aspect of my life. But now I'm just not sure if physically I can move on. I mean, yesterday certainly made it very clear that there are some serious limitations on my body at this point. And that's put this thought in the back of my head, like what if I just can't move on? What if all the procedures, all the time being ill, and all the time just dealing with the tumor has made it physically impossible to move on?

It's just like, what I can do, what I think I can do, and what I want to do, physically and mentally, just aren't synched up. And it's all left me just feeling rather confused. I guess that despite dealing with this for three years now, my mind still thinks that I can perform at the level I once was at. I mean, it is stupid to think like that, and I realize thatBut when I got out thereThere's was nothing but me and my thoughts, and my competitive side came out. I just wanted to push myself and prove that I was better than the tumorProve that it couldn't beat me. And when I failed, I just felt disgusted with myselfAnd I felt like things wouldn't get better. I know I have to take baby steps and work my way back up to normalBut it's hard ya know?

It's like, I've been through so much, and have had to give up so much. And now I have to work so hard just to be normal again. It just isn't fair is it?

What do I have left to offer? I've spent all my energy fighting and dealing with the tumorDo I have anything left in the tank to push me towards getting better?

-Weston

Current Mood: Confused
Currently Listening to: "Temptation Waits" - Garbage
Currently watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | Suckimus Maximus, or [p]X | Beware the Kha'ak), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl or =PXConqueror=), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
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