weston

A Note From the Editor

I am the twisted master of my dark fate and the sinking captain of my tattered soul

For What do I Repent?

This past week was fantastically horrible. Could life suck any more? Well, I suppose it could. The only two things that could have made this period worse would have been a death or bad news about my tumor. I suppose I should be thankful that neither of those occurred. Yea, fuck that.

I have lived a "good" life. I've always known the difference between right and wrong, and though I've occasionally strayed from the path (Who hasn't?), I always came back to the road and have done my best to make up for injustices I may have performed on others. So for what action am I being punished for? Or is it for nothing, and just some sock and twisted plan to break me and ultimately make me stronger? Is God supposed to be all loving? My heart is empty of his love.

Or perhaps this is just a streak a bad luck. Yea, that's it, bad luck. Life's way of saying "Fuck you." It is like life is fucking me in the ass and isn't kind enough to lube up.

The Bumps Along the Road to Hell

My sinus infection seems to just now be ending, and I am thankful for it. All week my face had been passing in and out of phases of pain. The only way to describe it is that it feels like there is a gremlin inside of my head trying to push my eye out. Then, aside from the horrible allergies, every time I would blow my nose, I would get light headed and dizzy. I did have another breathing incidence...I had so much postnasal drip that I spent about an hour coughing up crap. It was so bad and made breathing so difficult that I was actually thrown into an asthma attack. Thankfully I was awake this time, or else I made have ended up with another blocked airway experience. Not a good time at all, but it seems to finally be over with.

So, I was feeling pretty crappy when the day came to go paintballing. We ended up driving up to Camp Pendleton since Velocity was having a tournament. This would be a good time to mention that all weekend, we were having record-breaking temperatures.

So, we get to the field a little late and miss the first beginner's walk-on group. No problem, we'll just jump into the advanced group. Let me just say, soldiers are hardcore and paintball. There was a group of about seven of them, and they took out just about our entire team. I ended up getting earholed and got nailed twice in the arm and twice in the ribs.

So, the second round, I made the intelligent decision to avoid those guys, so I took a very unaggressive breakout. My teammates continued to drop like flies, and I end up being in a position where I am being shot from two different sides. So I alternate between flanks, and will I'm doing this, some guy tries to sneak up on me. I spot him and take up a offensive position, just waiting for him to make another move. In the process of doing this, the guy on the opposite flanks lands a perfectly placed headshot on me. I was hiding behind a house like structure, and he shot me through the window, which then passed through a doorway, and landed on the back of my head.

So, after a horrible first game, my friend and I decide to jump into the beginner's group (And not surprisingly, we weren't the only ones). There was another group of soldiers (All of whom looked extremely young), and these guys cheated like no other. All but one of them got knocked out, so they just stood behind their last remaining guy and told him were everyone was and where they were moving. The shortcomings of my barrel were really brought to attention this game. I tried to place a few shots at the guys telling him where everyone was...But they were just too far for my gun to be accurate. Then, the guy makes a move, and I have a completely open shot on him. I take it of course, and my first 4 shots all come up short, so i adjust only to find that it is too far for my gun to be accurate...Again.

So, I start chasing this guy up a hill so that I can get in range. Half way up the hill, my body quit on me, literally. I started dry-heaving (I would have thrown up but I had only eaten one meal the past two days, so nothing was in my stomach). After four of those, I decided that running up the hill was worth it and made my way to my friend's truck. Upon looking in the mirror I discovered that my face was as red as a pink highlighter. Needless to say, I was done for the day. We were going to stick around for a while, but everyone went on lunch break, so we decided to leave.

Yea, so the paintballing trip was a complete bust. Oh well, at least it was only $15

Sunday came around and I still felt horrible. Apparently I pulled a muscle in my ass while paintballing and I could barely walk. Every time I stood or sat it felt like someone was stabbing me in the ass cheek. Plus, I was still recovering from the heat stroke/exhaustion, so I was miserable.

So, now it was Monday, and I woke up thinking, "Hey! I feel a little better today!" Oh how wrong I was. So there I was, standing in the bathroom doing my early morning business, when my head drops, and my shoulders slump a little. Upon bending my back just this small amount, I endured one of the top five worst pains I have ever felt. The pain was centered in my lower back, but the agony shot through every fiber of every muscle in my body. I nearly doubled over right there while pissing. It was awful. I spent all day trying to avoid moving my back, which is a very hard task. Today it feels better, but it hard to bend over and it hurts constantly.

There's the Facts, Now the Commentary

So, the past few days have been filled with sickness and pain. But do you want to know what is really frightening about this situation? For some sick and twisted reason, I actually enjoyed the pain in a way. I've said it once, and I'll say it again, I am institutionalized in a way...If I'm not in pain, I don't feel normal.

I could have easily made myself feel a hell of a better this weekend. After the paintballing incident, I could have eaten and gotten much needed energy and nutrients back into my body. Do you think I did that? No. My mom unknowingly hit the nail on the head when she said "What, do you like tearing your body up?" Apparently, I do. I could have taken a pain reliever and used a heating pad to help my back, but I didn't. The pain felt...Good...It was what I craved...

I really don't like being in pain...It is awful, but my mind is so fucked up right now that I crave the suffering. I'm scared of this self destructive behavior. Like any addiction, this is only going to get worse. Eventually, these suicidal thoughts I have been having will become a reality as I will need greater pains to satisfy my needs...

What do I do? Do I talk to someone? How would that work? I mean, despite my ability to rant endlessly here in my blogs, I have an extremely difficult time actually talking to people about personal subjects. I suppose the first step would be telling my parents...I still don't think they know the whole story about what is going on inside this head of mine. I know my dad at least checks my sites every now and then, maybe he'll stumble across this and I'll have another awkward conversation to look forward to.

I feel so lost. I feel so scared. I feel like I'm just spiraling downward into some dark place that I really don't want to end up in.

I'm just a shadow of my former self. I used to have so much to offer. I used to show so much potential. Now I'm just an empty shell, barely hanging on to a thread of sanity that is keeping me alive.

A Ray of Light in these Dark Shadows

Comic Con is coming. Tomorrow in fact (Preview Night). It kind of snuck up on me, so I haven't saved up any money at all. Oh well, I usually don't buy much anyway. There's a few SG-related events going on, and I'm hoping to make an appearance at a few. It'll be nice to meet some people from the site.

I'm looking forward to it...Nothing like walking slowly in a huge crowd of my fellow geeks.

The Wrap-Up

I'm sorry I sound like such a broken record and that this entry is less than a joy to read. But, that is the life I lead.

I hope you guys are having a much better time than I am. If anyone is planning on making it to the Con, hit me up and we'll try to meet up.

-Weston

Current Mood: Hurting...Inside and out
Currently Listening to: "Trying to Find a Balance - Atmosphere
Currently watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | Suckimus Maximus, or [p]X | Beware the Kha'ak), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl or =PXConqueror=), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
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