A Note From the Editor
Anger - the emotion of instant displeasure on account of something evil that presents
itself to our view. In itself it is an original susceptibility of our nature,
just as love is, and is not necessarily sinful. It may, however, become sinful
when causeless, or excessive, or protracted (Matt. 5:22; Eph. 4:26; Col. 3:8).
Restart Button
Where's the restart button? Because I'm done with this fucking life. I want a re-do.
You know what pisses me off the most? I was doing so well. So fucking well. Yes, I had stalled in my plans to change myself, but that is to be expected...I mean, I was changing everything about me. I was still taking action...Still trying to push myself.
And here I am...Fucking pissed off, depressed, and right back where I fucking started from. That's what being sick for over a month straight will do to you.
Fucking insurance and their fucking policy on my medication. My sinus infection had gotten so bad that it had started to cause a hell of a lot of problems with my asthma. Finally finished my dosage yesterday...But this was by far on of the worst sinus infection I have had in a long time. I'm still not fully over it, but what can I do? Call in a refill on my antibiotic? That will just put me in the same situation I was just in...If I get another infection, I won't be able to order my medicine.
So, here I am. Having done so well...I was starting to get out of the house more...Starting to actually talk to people a bit...Just trying to be myself. And now I am back at square fucking one. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of being sick. I'm depressed. I don't have any energy. And I just want to end the pain and suffering.
So fuck this life. When can I start over?
Dreams
As if things weren't bad enough, my dreams have been fucking pissing me off these past couple of nights. Why? Because they deal with my health. You see, in these dreams, my tumor becomes cancerous. And in last night's dream, it was terminal.
Yea, way to fucking go subconscious, way to be positive.
So, every morning for the past few days I've started off the day extremely pissed off and extremely afraid.
...Fucking dreams...
Some Good News
My sister left today. Yes, I said left. She went to Texas. I'm not sure how long she is going to be there, but words cannot describe how happy I am that she isn't here anymore. No more feeling like a prisoner in my own home. No more worrying that every "whisper" or "footstep" I imagine outside is her stealing from us again. No more having to drop everything and watch over her like a hawk when she did show up.
I am so happy that she is gone.
The Wrap-Up
I am fucking pissed off if you haven't been able to tell so far. I hate it. I'm tired of fighting...I'm tired of having everything set back because of my health...I'm tired of suffering.
Fuck this shit. All that I have left is hate. Hate for my tumor, hate for my life, hate for myself. That's what driving me. That is what keeps this empty shell of a body going; a beaten down, tortured, hateful soul. What happens when things get better? Will the hate still be there? Those driven by such emotions never last long...How will I fare?
If you have anything you want me to address in my journals (Be it a topic, a suggestion, or anything else) feel free to email me at weston.lent@yahoo.com.
PS: Big thanks to Eugeal and Calypso for trying to cheer me up last week. <3
Current Mood: Enraged, afraid, and sick
Currently Listening to: "Broken Wings" - Flyleaf
Currently Watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | You Is Nasty, [p]X | Suckimus Maximus, or [p]X | Beware the Khaak), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl or =PXConqueror=), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: 1984 by George Orwell
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
GaiaOnline Last.FM
Anger - the emotion of instant displeasure on account of something evil that presents
itself to our view. In itself it is an original susceptibility of our nature,
just as love is, and is not necessarily sinful. It may, however, become sinful
when causeless, or excessive, or protracted (Matt. 5:22; Eph. 4:26; Col. 3:8).
Restart Button
Where's the restart button? Because I'm done with this fucking life. I want a re-do.
You know what pisses me off the most? I was doing so well. So fucking well. Yes, I had stalled in my plans to change myself, but that is to be expected...I mean, I was changing everything about me. I was still taking action...Still trying to push myself.
And here I am...Fucking pissed off, depressed, and right back where I fucking started from. That's what being sick for over a month straight will do to you.
Fucking insurance and their fucking policy on my medication. My sinus infection had gotten so bad that it had started to cause a hell of a lot of problems with my asthma. Finally finished my dosage yesterday...But this was by far on of the worst sinus infection I have had in a long time. I'm still not fully over it, but what can I do? Call in a refill on my antibiotic? That will just put me in the same situation I was just in...If I get another infection, I won't be able to order my medicine.
So, here I am. Having done so well...I was starting to get out of the house more...Starting to actually talk to people a bit...Just trying to be myself. And now I am back at square fucking one. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of being sick. I'm depressed. I don't have any energy. And I just want to end the pain and suffering.
So fuck this life. When can I start over?
Dreams
As if things weren't bad enough, my dreams have been fucking pissing me off these past couple of nights. Why? Because they deal with my health. You see, in these dreams, my tumor becomes cancerous. And in last night's dream, it was terminal.
Yea, way to fucking go subconscious, way to be positive.
So, every morning for the past few days I've started off the day extremely pissed off and extremely afraid.
...Fucking dreams...
Some Good News
My sister left today. Yes, I said left. She went to Texas. I'm not sure how long she is going to be there, but words cannot describe how happy I am that she isn't here anymore. No more feeling like a prisoner in my own home. No more worrying that every "whisper" or "footstep" I imagine outside is her stealing from us again. No more having to drop everything and watch over her like a hawk when she did show up.
I am so happy that she is gone.
The Wrap-Up
I am fucking pissed off if you haven't been able to tell so far. I hate it. I'm tired of fighting...I'm tired of having everything set back because of my health...I'm tired of suffering.
Fuck this shit. All that I have left is hate. Hate for my tumor, hate for my life, hate for myself. That's what driving me. That is what keeps this empty shell of a body going; a beaten down, tortured, hateful soul. What happens when things get better? Will the hate still be there? Those driven by such emotions never last long...How will I fare?
If you have anything you want me to address in my journals (Be it a topic, a suggestion, or anything else) feel free to email me at weston.lent@yahoo.com.
PS: Big thanks to Eugeal and Calypso for trying to cheer me up last week. <3
Current Mood: Enraged, afraid, and sick
Currently Listening to: "Broken Wings" - Flyleaf
Currently Watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | You Is Nasty, [p]X | Suckimus Maximus, or [p]X | Beware the Khaak), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl or =PXConqueror=), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: 1984 by George Orwell
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
GaiaOnline Last.FM
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
chai:
Thanks so much for your comment on my new set! 
fanglorious:
Maybe it's just superstition, but sometimes having a positive outlook can make things better. Forget giving up on your life after you've gone this far. You have been through more than a lot of people, and you still manage to keep going day by day. Consider all of those pampered bitches out there who whine and moan every time they break a nail or get dumped by their current fling. I've developed the mindset that this shows a sign of independence: the only person you truly have to rely on is yourself, but have you given up entirely? No. You have the courage to face reality..that's more than can be said about a lot of people.