A Note From the Editor
Purgatory-
n 1: a temporary condition of torment or suffering
Purgatory
(The following passage was written early this morning)
Who am I? Weston.
Wasted talent
Emotionally fucked
Shit
Tremendous disappointment
Obsolete
Nothing but potential
I once wrote that I was changing my life. I believed I was changing my life. But I've changed nothing.
I took two steps. Two measly fucking steps out the door of my sheltered world and stalled. Stalled. WHY?
I hate this life I lead. I hate living this lie. I hate who I am. Yes! I have emotions. Yes! I'm really not that quiet and shy. Yes! I really am an interesting person and would like to talk to you.
But I'm afraid. Afraid to expose the real me. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. How completely childish of me...Being afraid of how people see me. For as much as I try to be an individual, try to be unique and myself, I really do care what my image is. I'm afraid to have people not like me.
And so, here I am, adorning yet another mask to hide the real me. Alternating one mask that allows me to be quiet and safe with a mask that allows me to raise a fist in the air and scream "Fuck You" to the world around me.
But it is all just an act. These masks...These pseudo-Westons...Allow me to go through the motions of daily life. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am not living. I want to. God how I want to...
I'm just floating through life. Going from Point A to Point B and back again. And when I'm all alone, I distract myself, to keep the real me from thinking, to keep the real me from acting out, to keep the real me hidden. It is only in these blogs that the real me escapes. It is only in my written word that I am completely myself.
I want to change. God how I want to change.
But here I am...A man who is too afraid to show the world the scared little boy behind the masks. A man who rather than change, simply hides that which he hates.
I want to change. God how I want to change so many things. But I have to start with the most difficult thing to change of all...Myself.
You Have the What, and Now the Why
Remember how not too long ago, I decided that I was going to make some changes in my life? That I was going to break out of my protective shell, be myself and live live life? That was the first step out the door.
Remember how shortly after, I wrote to a girl and expressed my feelings towards her? That was the second step from the door.
And here I am, standing in the cold.
The door is still lingering open; inviting me inside, to where it is warm, to where it is safe.
In front of me is the cold path leading to the adventure that life should be. What lies beyond this path? The road? And where will that take me? Unsheltered into storming weather? Straight into traffic with a tragic ending to follow? Will there be people on this road, giving me directions? Will there be someone on this road to give me an umbrella to protect me from that stormy weather that approaches ever so quickly?
The road disappears up a hill and off into the distance. What lays beyond that hill? Will the sun be there, greeting me with its beauty and warmth? Will there be someone waiting there for me? Someone to show me the beauty of life?
Im stuck. I want to go back to the where I feel safe. But deep down, I know that going back will make me feel even worse. But Im afraid to go on. Im afraid to continue walking down this path, afraid to walk on the street up that hill, and most of all, I am afraid of what lays beyond that hill.
I'm still being vague aren't I? I'm afraid to move on. I'm scared. I'm a pussy.
That should be clear enough...Right?
Guess What!?
I'm sick! But you never would have guessed that in ten million years huh?
I've been sick all week. Appears to be another sinus infection. Life sucks when a third of your sinuses have been removed and you just have a cavity where mucus can sit and become infected
Insurance is very gay. Apparently I can only order fourteen pills of my antibiotic every ninety days. So, I've been having these problems on and off for a couple of weeks now, but now it is out of control. The good news? As of yesterday, my ninety days were up. So hopefully I can start getting some medication in my system this weekend and feel better my Monday.
The Art Scene
I've really been slacking on my art lately. All this other stuff I'm dealing with has just left me unmotivated and unfocused. But I did draw something yesterday.
In fact, it came out looking great (In my opinion at least), especially for someone who has not drawn in so long, and hasn't inked in longer.
I created, what I think is, a beautiful picture of Calypso, based off of a picture from a photo shoot with Cosfrog. Unfortunately for you all, due to copyrights and Cosfrog's stance on his photos (Which I am respecting), I won't be posting this one for you guys to see.
It is too bad, really, because it came out looking really good. Oh well, it will be joining the ranks of my art stored in a manila folder, currently stationed right alongside me, due to a lack of storage space.
It was great practice and a great subject to draw.
Fell in Love With a Girl
A misleading title to tell the truth. Remember that whole situation from last blog? Well, I've talked it over with numerous people, and it is in everyone's best interest for me to just move on.
It won't be easy. Having never opened up to anyone before, it is a tad hard to put all my feelings away. But, I shall move on and simply admire from afar while I try to find another person I feel comfortable opening up to.
Until next time. Take care.
Current Mood: Craving paintball
Currently Listening to: "Special" - Garbage
Currently Watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | You Is Nasty, [p]X | Suckimus Maximus, or [p]X | Beware the Khaak), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl or =PXConqueror=), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: 1984 by George Orwell
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
GaiaOnline Last.FM
Purgatory-
n 1: a temporary condition of torment or suffering
Purgatory
(The following passage was written early this morning)
Who am I? Weston.
Wasted talent
Emotionally fucked
Shit
Tremendous disappointment
Obsolete
Nothing but potential
I once wrote that I was changing my life. I believed I was changing my life. But I've changed nothing.
I took two steps. Two measly fucking steps out the door of my sheltered world and stalled. Stalled. WHY?
I hate this life I lead. I hate living this lie. I hate who I am. Yes! I have emotions. Yes! I'm really not that quiet and shy. Yes! I really am an interesting person and would like to talk to you.
But I'm afraid. Afraid to expose the real me. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. How completely childish of me...Being afraid of how people see me. For as much as I try to be an individual, try to be unique and myself, I really do care what my image is. I'm afraid to have people not like me.
And so, here I am, adorning yet another mask to hide the real me. Alternating one mask that allows me to be quiet and safe with a mask that allows me to raise a fist in the air and scream "Fuck You" to the world around me.
But it is all just an act. These masks...These pseudo-Westons...Allow me to go through the motions of daily life. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am not living. I want to. God how I want to...
I'm just floating through life. Going from Point A to Point B and back again. And when I'm all alone, I distract myself, to keep the real me from thinking, to keep the real me from acting out, to keep the real me hidden. It is only in these blogs that the real me escapes. It is only in my written word that I am completely myself.
I want to change. God how I want to change.
But here I am...A man who is too afraid to show the world the scared little boy behind the masks. A man who rather than change, simply hides that which he hates.
I want to change. God how I want to change so many things. But I have to start with the most difficult thing to change of all...Myself.
You Have the What, and Now the Why
Remember how not too long ago, I decided that I was going to make some changes in my life? That I was going to break out of my protective shell, be myself and live live life? That was the first step out the door.
Remember how shortly after, I wrote to a girl and expressed my feelings towards her? That was the second step from the door.
And here I am, standing in the cold.
The door is still lingering open; inviting me inside, to where it is warm, to where it is safe.
In front of me is the cold path leading to the adventure that life should be. What lies beyond this path? The road? And where will that take me? Unsheltered into storming weather? Straight into traffic with a tragic ending to follow? Will there be people on this road, giving me directions? Will there be someone on this road to give me an umbrella to protect me from that stormy weather that approaches ever so quickly?
The road disappears up a hill and off into the distance. What lays beyond that hill? Will the sun be there, greeting me with its beauty and warmth? Will there be someone waiting there for me? Someone to show me the beauty of life?
Im stuck. I want to go back to the where I feel safe. But deep down, I know that going back will make me feel even worse. But Im afraid to go on. Im afraid to continue walking down this path, afraid to walk on the street up that hill, and most of all, I am afraid of what lays beyond that hill.
I'm still being vague aren't I? I'm afraid to move on. I'm scared. I'm a pussy.
That should be clear enough...Right?
Guess What!?
I'm sick! But you never would have guessed that in ten million years huh?
I've been sick all week. Appears to be another sinus infection. Life sucks when a third of your sinuses have been removed and you just have a cavity where mucus can sit and become infected
Insurance is very gay. Apparently I can only order fourteen pills of my antibiotic every ninety days. So, I've been having these problems on and off for a couple of weeks now, but now it is out of control. The good news? As of yesterday, my ninety days were up. So hopefully I can start getting some medication in my system this weekend and feel better my Monday.
The Art Scene
I've really been slacking on my art lately. All this other stuff I'm dealing with has just left me unmotivated and unfocused. But I did draw something yesterday.
In fact, it came out looking great (In my opinion at least), especially for someone who has not drawn in so long, and hasn't inked in longer.
I created, what I think is, a beautiful picture of Calypso, based off of a picture from a photo shoot with Cosfrog. Unfortunately for you all, due to copyrights and Cosfrog's stance on his photos (Which I am respecting), I won't be posting this one for you guys to see.
It is too bad, really, because it came out looking really good. Oh well, it will be joining the ranks of my art stored in a manila folder, currently stationed right alongside me, due to a lack of storage space.
It was great practice and a great subject to draw.
Fell in Love With a Girl
A misleading title to tell the truth. Remember that whole situation from last blog? Well, I've talked it over with numerous people, and it is in everyone's best interest for me to just move on.
It won't be easy. Having never opened up to anyone before, it is a tad hard to put all my feelings away. But, I shall move on and simply admire from afar while I try to find another person I feel comfortable opening up to.
Until next time. Take care.
Current Mood: Craving paintball
Currently Listening to: "Special" - Garbage
Currently Watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | You Is Nasty, [p]X | Suckimus Maximus, or [p]X | Beware the Khaak), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl or =PXConqueror=), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: 1984 by George Orwell
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
GaiaOnline Last.FM
We all want to be different. We all long for change and for moving our lives in a different direction. The fact that you can so clearly pinpoint exactly the way you feel shows that you are in fact a lot better off than most. It takes time. Things normally don't change in a heartbeat. Just keep doing what you are doing and most importantly stay positive. I know it can be hard, hell, I am such a pessimist at times, but really what has gotten me through most of my crap is staying positive and trying to look on the bright side of things.
Sorry for that long ramble. I just feel I relate so much to what you wrote in this entry because I was in a very similar position not too long ago. Now I am doing what I have wanted to do all along, but it took time. And I still have a long way to go, but I am gonna keep at it because I know in the long run it will pay off so very much...
I am sorry you were ill this week. I hope that you are able to rest up this weekend.
Take care hun!