A Note From the Editor...Which Would be...Me
I'm changing things up a bit for this journal entry. It won't be following my usual good, bad, and ugly format. Instead, I will be resorting to an older style I used, which features more...random...section titles. After all, this isn't an ordinary posting, and therefore deserves more than ordinary treatment.
That's right! You read correctly. This is a very special journal.
In this journal, you shall get to know me better...Maybe more than you'd ever like to. I'm removing all of my walls and defenses for one night. It'll be like a Behind the Music...But without the music part.
Get Inside the Mind of that Quiet Kid in the Corner
I hate it when people tell me that things could be worse. It makes me feel weak. I hear all these stories about people who have overcome so much, and think about how much worse I could have it...And here I am, with a tumor that isn't cancerous, and yet after two years of fighting, I still can't beat it.
I lack self-confidence and respect.
I frequently think about the person I could be, the person I should be, the person everyone expects me to be. And then I realize the person I am, and think of myself as a failure.
I often just stare at myself in the mirror. Not because I'm vain, but because I'm lost and hate myself. I'll stare into the mirror and curse at myself, tell myself I am a bad son and a bad person, tell myself I am a failure, and tell myself I am worthless.
I try to separate myself from the crowd by wearing lesser-known brand clothing and keeping a wide array of interests so that I can't be labeled. But I've played the "shy, quiet kid in the corner" role my entire life because I am afraid to be myself. Despite what I say, I really do care what others think about me.
Because of my above choice, I have developed what I like to call, "social retardation." Because I am so shy, whenever I talk, people take me serious. So I feel extremely nervous and uncomfortable when talking, telling jokes, or expressing emotions because people listen so intently and the words I say are interpreted so strongly.
I have a crush on a woman I cant have, and will, most likely, never have.
Since being diagnosed with my tumor, I have spun a web of deceit, lies, and exaggeration to manipulate people into giving me what I want, when I want.
I despise my tumor with a passion that can't be described in words, but I hide behind it every chance I get.
I'm more honest and open to people I've never met than I am to my family and to most of my friends.
Even if I'm surrounded by people and their support, I feel completely alone 90% of the time. Like there is no one in my corner, no one backing me up, like it is me against the world. Countless men have tried to conquer the world and have been crushed...How will I fare?
I constantly think about how long I will last...How long can I keep fightingHow much more can I give...When will I crack and come crashing down?
I'm a perfectionist, not because I want to be perfect, but because everyone expects me to be. As such, criticism and rejection go over horribly with me.
I've been told many times by people that I seem like the kind of person that would shoot up a school...What the fuck...
I often think that the answer to all my problems is a bullet to the head.
This is quite possibly the most honest I have ever been to anyone, and most importantly, to myself.
Some General (And Quite Random) Info
You are...(looks)
[ ] tall
[x] in between
[ ] short
--
[ ] blonde
[ ] redheaded
[x] brunette
[x] black-haired
--
[ ] blue-eyed
[x] brown-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] hazel eyed
[ ] gold eyed
[ ] gray eyed
[ ] with glasses
[ ] with contacts
--
[ ] with braces
[x] with freckles (A few)
[ ] with piercings
[ ] with tattoos (Once I'm somewhat healthy)
[ ] and have long hair
[x] and have short hair
[ ] and have mid-length hair (aka past shoulder)
Your favorite color(s) are?
[x] red
[ ] pink
[ ] yellow
[x] black
[ ] green
[x] blue
[ ] gold
[x] white
[ ] silver
[ ] purple
[ ] brown
[ ] orange
[ ] indigo
Some things you've done/played include...
[x] soccer
[ ] cheerleading
[ ] dancing
[ ] lacrosse
[ ] field hockey
[ ] hockey
[ ] football
[ ] softball
[ ] wrestling
[ ] gymnastics
[ ] track/cross country
[x] basketball
[x] baseball
[x] golf
[x] chess
[x] playing in the mud
[x] playing music
[x] hiking
[ ] kayaking
[x] camping
[ ] horseback riding
[x] marching band
You are sometimes...
[x] annoying
[x] talkative (Either online, or else you have to know me for a while
)
[x] shy
[x] sweet
[x] funny (See talkative comment)
[x] mysterious
[x] serious
[ ] bubbly
[ ] spazzy
[x] paranoid
[x] fun-loving
[x] laid back
[ ] strict
[ ] hyper (Sometimes right before I go to bed)
[x] nervous
[x] weird (Who is to say what's weird and what's normal?)
The music you like is?
[x] rap (More indie, underground, and old school these days)
[x] rock
[x] pop (Sometimes)
[x] country (Very little)
[ ] hip hop (The person who originally wrote this doesn't know what hip-hop is
)
[x] r&b (Lots of old stuff)
[ ] slow jams
[ ] Christian
[x] classical
[x] techno
[x] oldies
[x] the 80s (I <3 eighties pop, new wave, etc)
[x] punk
[ ] Metal
[x] reggae (Very little)
[x] Goth (I guess...)
[x] Latin
[x] 90's Grunge
The pets you have are?
[ ] cat (Died and/or ran away)
[ ] dog (See cat comment)
[ ] lizard
[ ] snake
[ ] ferret
[ ] spider (Does the one on the bottom of my shoe count?)
[ ] rabbit
[ ] fish
[ ] bird
[ ] hamster
[ ] little sister
[ ] other
You're mostly labeled as?
[ ] goth
[x] emo
[ ] prep
[x] punk
[ ] hippie
[x] nerd (Geek for the win!)
[ ] ditzy
[ ] hyper
[ ] happy
[ ] everything
[x] I hate labels! I'm just me!!! (I wish...)
[x] I have no idea (You tell me)
You eat?
[x] dessert every night (Does all day count?)
[ ] no meat
[ ] diet stuff
[ ] healthy foods
[x] junk foods (Too many...But I burn though energy like crazy and need short bursts
)
[x] a lot of carbs (I guess)
[x] ice cream
[x] lots of meat (Sorry to all you vegetarians out there...I love me some meat)
[x] salad (I only like it when I'm at a restaurant for some reason)
[x] seafood (OMG yes)
[x] exotic dishes (I have expensive taste)
[x] Mountain Dew (Hurray for randomness? I drink it at times)
A typical Friday night...
[ ] mall with your friends
[ ] partying
[ ] doing my homework
[x] watching movies
[ ] going to the club
[x] staying home
[x] playing videogames
[ ] babysitting and getting $$
[ ] hanging out w/ my friends
[ ] hanging out w/ your boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ] working while your friends are out having fun
Currently you are...
[ ] in a relationship (I wish...)
[ ] single and lovin it
[x] crushing (On a girl I can't have)
[x] single and looking for someone (Any offers?)
[ ] just broke up... and so sad about it
Online, you use:
[x] lol
[ ] sup
[x] lmao
[x] stfu
[x] ty
[ ] j/k
[x] <3
[x] ttyl
[x] g2g (Does gtg count?)
[ ] xD
[x] ^^
[x] T_T (t.t)
[ ] x_x
[ ] ^_^
[x] o_O (o.O)
[ ] TOT
7 Things to do before I die:
1. Go to Europe
2. Get married
3. Have children
4. Get a tattoo
5. Learn to be myself
6. Write a book
7. Become an artist
7 Things I cannot do:
1. Be myself around others
2. Dance
3. Sing (Although I love singing to myself)
4. Write with my left hand
5. Draw a straight line
6. Draw a decent circle
7. Completely put my right pinky and right ring finger together (Pinky broke and healed wrong)
7 Things that attract me to Alabama:
1. Who the fuck chose Alabama?
2. See above
3. See above
4. See above
5. See below
6. See two above
7. See above
7 Things I say most often:
1. Uhhhhhh
2. Ummmmm
3. And yea
4. Good stuff
5. Good times
6. Sick
7. Holy hell
7 Books that I love:
1. Lord of the Rings
2. The Chronicles of Narnia
3. Angels & Demons
4. Art of War
5. Chronicles of the Cheysuli
6. The Sword-Dancer Saga
7. Everything written by Melanie Rawn (Don't feel like listing every series)
7 Seven movies I watch over & over again
1. Clerks
2. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
3. Reservoir Dogs
4. Stand by Me
5. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
6. The Goonies
7. Akira
7 People I want to join in: Whoever reads this. I know there has to be someone out there. I mean...It can't just be me and the crickets here can it? Hello? Hello? Someone? Anyone? *Fades off into the silence*
Current Mood: Sick and depressed
Currently Listening to: "Rain Water" - Brother Ali
Currently Watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | Kal-El, or [p]X | Panic! At the Disco), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: Angels & Demons by Dan Brown
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
GaiaOnline Last.FM
I'm changing things up a bit for this journal entry. It won't be following my usual good, bad, and ugly format. Instead, I will be resorting to an older style I used, which features more...random...section titles. After all, this isn't an ordinary posting, and therefore deserves more than ordinary treatment.
That's right! You read correctly. This is a very special journal.
In this journal, you shall get to know me better...Maybe more than you'd ever like to. I'm removing all of my walls and defenses for one night. It'll be like a Behind the Music...But without the music part.
Get Inside the Mind of that Quiet Kid in the Corner
I hate it when people tell me that things could be worse. It makes me feel weak. I hear all these stories about people who have overcome so much, and think about how much worse I could have it...And here I am, with a tumor that isn't cancerous, and yet after two years of fighting, I still can't beat it.
I lack self-confidence and respect.
I frequently think about the person I could be, the person I should be, the person everyone expects me to be. And then I realize the person I am, and think of myself as a failure.
I often just stare at myself in the mirror. Not because I'm vain, but because I'm lost and hate myself. I'll stare into the mirror and curse at myself, tell myself I am a bad son and a bad person, tell myself I am a failure, and tell myself I am worthless.
I try to separate myself from the crowd by wearing lesser-known brand clothing and keeping a wide array of interests so that I can't be labeled. But I've played the "shy, quiet kid in the corner" role my entire life because I am afraid to be myself. Despite what I say, I really do care what others think about me.
Because of my above choice, I have developed what I like to call, "social retardation." Because I am so shy, whenever I talk, people take me serious. So I feel extremely nervous and uncomfortable when talking, telling jokes, or expressing emotions because people listen so intently and the words I say are interpreted so strongly.
I have a crush on a woman I cant have, and will, most likely, never have.
Since being diagnosed with my tumor, I have spun a web of deceit, lies, and exaggeration to manipulate people into giving me what I want, when I want.
I despise my tumor with a passion that can't be described in words, but I hide behind it every chance I get.
I'm more honest and open to people I've never met than I am to my family and to most of my friends.
Even if I'm surrounded by people and their support, I feel completely alone 90% of the time. Like there is no one in my corner, no one backing me up, like it is me against the world. Countless men have tried to conquer the world and have been crushed...How will I fare?
I constantly think about how long I will last...How long can I keep fightingHow much more can I give...When will I crack and come crashing down?
I'm a perfectionist, not because I want to be perfect, but because everyone expects me to be. As such, criticism and rejection go over horribly with me.
I've been told many times by people that I seem like the kind of person that would shoot up a school...What the fuck...
I often think that the answer to all my problems is a bullet to the head.
This is quite possibly the most honest I have ever been to anyone, and most importantly, to myself.
Some General (And Quite Random) Info
You are...(looks)
[ ] tall
[x] in between
[ ] short
--
[ ] blonde
[ ] redheaded
[x] brunette
[x] black-haired
--
[ ] blue-eyed
[x] brown-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] hazel eyed
[ ] gold eyed
[ ] gray eyed
[ ] with glasses
[ ] with contacts
--
[ ] with braces
[x] with freckles (A few)
[ ] with piercings
[ ] with tattoos (Once I'm somewhat healthy)
[ ] and have long hair
[x] and have short hair
[ ] and have mid-length hair (aka past shoulder)
Your favorite color(s) are?
[x] red
[ ] pink
[ ] yellow
[x] black
[ ] green
[x] blue
[ ] gold
[x] white
[ ] silver
[ ] purple
[ ] brown
[ ] orange
[ ] indigo
Some things you've done/played include...
[x] soccer
[ ] cheerleading
[ ] dancing
[ ] lacrosse
[ ] field hockey
[ ] hockey
[ ] football
[ ] softball
[ ] wrestling
[ ] gymnastics
[ ] track/cross country
[x] basketball
[x] baseball
[x] golf
[x] chess
[x] playing in the mud
[x] playing music
[x] hiking
[ ] kayaking
[x] camping
[ ] horseback riding
[x] marching band
You are sometimes...
[x] annoying
[x] talkative (Either online, or else you have to know me for a while
)
[x] shy
[x] sweet
[x] funny (See talkative comment)
[x] mysterious
[x] serious
[ ] bubbly
[ ] spazzy
[x] paranoid
[x] fun-loving
[x] laid back
[ ] strict
[ ] hyper (Sometimes right before I go to bed)
[x] nervous
[x] weird (Who is to say what's weird and what's normal?)
The music you like is?
[x] rap (More indie, underground, and old school these days)
[x] rock
[x] pop (Sometimes)
[x] country (Very little)
[ ] hip hop (The person who originally wrote this doesn't know what hip-hop is
)
[x] r&b (Lots of old stuff)
[ ] slow jams
[ ] Christian
[x] classical
[x] techno
[x] oldies
[x] the 80s (I <3 eighties pop, new wave, etc)
[x] punk
[ ] Metal
[x] reggae (Very little)
[x] Goth (I guess...)
[x] Latin
[x] 90's Grunge
The pets you have are?
[ ] cat (Died and/or ran away)
[ ] dog (See cat comment)
[ ] lizard
[ ] snake
[ ] ferret
[ ] spider (Does the one on the bottom of my shoe count?)
[ ] rabbit
[ ] fish
[ ] bird
[ ] hamster
[ ] little sister
[ ] other
You're mostly labeled as?
[ ] goth
[x] emo
[ ] prep
[x] punk
[ ] hippie
[x] nerd (Geek for the win!)
[ ] ditzy
[ ] hyper
[ ] happy
[ ] everything
[x] I hate labels! I'm just me!!! (I wish...)
[x] I have no idea (You tell me)
You eat?
[x] dessert every night (Does all day count?)
[ ] no meat
[ ] diet stuff
[ ] healthy foods
[x] junk foods (Too many...But I burn though energy like crazy and need short bursts
)
[x] a lot of carbs (I guess)
[x] ice cream
[x] lots of meat (Sorry to all you vegetarians out there...I love me some meat)
[x] salad (I only like it when I'm at a restaurant for some reason)
[x] seafood (OMG yes)
[x] exotic dishes (I have expensive taste)
[x] Mountain Dew (Hurray for randomness? I drink it at times)
A typical Friday night...
[ ] mall with your friends
[ ] partying
[ ] doing my homework
[x] watching movies
[ ] going to the club
[x] staying home
[x] playing videogames
[ ] babysitting and getting $$
[ ] hanging out w/ my friends
[ ] hanging out w/ your boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ] working while your friends are out having fun
Currently you are...
[ ] in a relationship (I wish...)
[ ] single and lovin it
[x] crushing (On a girl I can't have)
[x] single and looking for someone (Any offers?)
[ ] just broke up... and so sad about it
Online, you use:
[x] lol
[ ] sup
[x] lmao
[x] stfu
[x] ty
[ ] j/k
[x] <3
[x] ttyl
[x] g2g (Does gtg count?)
[ ] xD
[x] ^^
[x] T_T (t.t)
[ ] x_x
[ ] ^_^
[x] o_O (o.O)
[ ] TOT
7 Things to do before I die:
1. Go to Europe
2. Get married
3. Have children
4. Get a tattoo
5. Learn to be myself
6. Write a book
7. Become an artist
7 Things I cannot do:
1. Be myself around others
2. Dance
3. Sing (Although I love singing to myself)
4. Write with my left hand
5. Draw a straight line
6. Draw a decent circle
7. Completely put my right pinky and right ring finger together (Pinky broke and healed wrong)
7 Things that attract me to Alabama:
1. Who the fuck chose Alabama?
2. See above
3. See above
4. See above
5. See below
6. See two above
7. See above
7 Things I say most often:
1. Uhhhhhh
2. Ummmmm
3. And yea
4. Good stuff
5. Good times
6. Sick
7. Holy hell
7 Books that I love:
1. Lord of the Rings
2. The Chronicles of Narnia
3. Angels & Demons
4. Art of War
5. Chronicles of the Cheysuli
6. The Sword-Dancer Saga
7. Everything written by Melanie Rawn (Don't feel like listing every series)
7 Seven movies I watch over & over again
1. Clerks
2. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
3. Reservoir Dogs
4. Stand by Me
5. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
6. The Goonies
7. Akira
7 People I want to join in: Whoever reads this. I know there has to be someone out there. I mean...It can't just be me and the crickets here can it? Hello? Hello? Someone? Anyone? *Fades off into the silence*
Current Mood: Sick and depressed
Currently Listening to: "Rain Water" - Brother Ali
Currently Watching: Well, not quite "currently watching," but I can't get enough of: Smallville, Miami Ink, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Made, True Life
Currently Playing: Counter-Strike: Source ([p]X | Phoenix, [p]X | Kal-El, or [p]X | Panic! At the Disco), World of Warcraft (PXAnime on Kel'Thuzad, Sandtiger on Akama), Battlefield 2 (=Superman=KalEl), Warcraft III (PX_Conqueror)
Currently Reading: Angels & Demons by Dan Brown
Sites: Art MySpace Xanga SuicideGirls
GaiaOnline Last.FM
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
photobscura:
when people say things can be worse, they just seem like assholes to me.
kamikaze:
thank you feor the comment on my set. much appreciated! 