wendy

just had the best experience at the gyno i've ever had. she talked to me about new england falls and how she wishes everyone would just shut up already about the election. i barely realized she had instruments in my hoo hoo. and then it was over. i know love the gyno. ::adds to list of favorite pastimes:: .....

i gave in to my "no buying groceries until EVERYTHING is gone" crusade and i bought some things last night. i saw the grudge and it takes place in tokyo and it made me want sushi. is that bad? haha. so i went and they had none.. bought a couple other things though. i used to spend $200 at the grocery store, and last night i only spent $16.50. I was shocked, but marie reminded me how excited i was when i first started grocery shopping our sophomore year when we moved into our house. she said i spent so much money because i was overly excited about my new independence. i still think grocery shopping for your own kitchen is the ultimate in independence. but now i just buy some noodles, sauce and avocados and i'm set to go.
adding in what i actually bought, just for leeh.
two avocados
a box of whole wheat rotini
vegan mayo
falafel mix
vegan taco meat mix
salt and pepper ridged kettle chips (best chips on the planet)

I FOUND VEGAN MAYO!! i love mayo. i really couldn't live without it, and i'm so effing happy.

so i'm doing this new thing. making "to do" lists. i have so much i have to do and i either forget or put it off. i wish there was someone in my life who would reward me for getting things finished. being lazy and apathetic about things sucks, but i really have little motivation for things that i either don't give a shit about or won't get rewarded for for a while (college) .. . my dad always told me that the reason so many people don't graduate from college is because the gratification is so delayed. the human mind has difficulty with delayed gratification. i have a huge problem with it, which i guess explains why i won't be finished in may like everyone told me i would be when i started. i love what i'm learning about, i guess maybe i would just rather learn about it in the comfort of my own home, reading from a book. if i can ace all of my tests without attending one class why should i be punished? for being more intelligent than my peers? that isn't fair. take points off my grade because i ALREADY KNOW this shit? eff off. i guess to a certain extent though, we all have to pay our dues. attending class is one of them.

the ex boyfriend is pretending like i never broke up with him. he's still texting me at night saying stuff like "i miss you baby" and "i wish you were in my arms right now." it seems that this would make things harder, but its just cementing in my mind what a fuck he is. he told me he wanted to see me.

at the gyno they asked me what my form of birth control is and i said abstinence. that's the first time i've ever said that. i haven't had sex since the summer, so why start now? being off birth control is nice and i feel like i somehow have more control over my body. i can tell what's going on with it... i don't have all these hormones running around telling it what to do and clogging up my mind. i like to have more control. now if i could only manage to get control over my mind ...