wenda

Fuck you, to me, for overdoing my bodybuilding training. Fuck you, to me, for the last three months of blowing off my real life mates, online friends, family, even my boyfriend, work, internet time, wedding planning, leisure time, and sleep... in order to keep training. Then to have a huge crash two weeks before my tournament, go to the doctor, and find out that I've had a bad reaction to it and my body is rebelling. My kidneys and liver are under stress. My insulin balance is out of whack. I was sick as a dog for days, and I've had to start the withdrawal from diet and training program two and a half weeks early.

Two weeks ago I won the Newcastle regional competition - not a massive achievement, since there were only a very few girls competing, but it still made me feel awesome and it qualified me for the nationals round in a couple of weeks. I still want to go in the nationals, but I won't do as well as I would if I'd been able to keep training til the end. I'm no longer motivated, I'm... sad, and tired, and flat. Rather than lean and buff, I now just feel thin. My body has gone from feeling the simple good tiredness you get from hard work, to the heavy weariness of feeling unhealthy. The past three months of training has been hell, but at the same time good because I felt like I was achieving something. Now it feels worthless. Worse than worthless, because I came close to putting my health in real danger. As a fitness enthusiast, that is something I find horrifying.

Sorry. This is unnecessarily maudlin, but I'm very depressed at the moment, and I need to let it out in an anonymous place.