stream of consciousness and nothing but truth...
i really just came back to get some addresses so i could mail out some of JustJinni's stuff that i promised to people...
after that's done, i think i'm well and truly done with sg. eleven years here total, and most of it wasn't fun. i got here not long after the beginning. i was married to amelia...we were living our lives and loving each other. i never quite enjoyed sg after she was gone...haven't enjoyed much of anything. to be expected, i suppose. you never truly get over your first love. i thought i had loved before i met her, but i hadn't. i think now of the girls i dated before i met her, and smile. had fun...cared for them a lot. kristine, brii-anna, carly, sarah...all wonderful girls. but even right now, i can remember that heady, other-worldly feeling in my gut that i had the day i met amelia back in 1998. doesn't feel long ago at all.
but then i catch my reflection...hairline's a few inches back, beard a few inches longer. wrinkles around my eyes and mouth...even a bit of grey in that beard now. my body is soft...atrophied...all the strength i once had leeched away by a year of physical paralysis, and almost a decade of emotional paralysis...
that's when it hits me how long ago happiness was. her smell is gone from the clothes and bedding i saved. the braid of her hair hanging on the wall is stiff and brittle. her essence has left me...
met a lot of people that just wanted my money...which is cool. i have lots. but they could've at least pretended to give a damn about me. at least they got some nice presents out of the deal. my fault, though. i was seeking some human comfort, and tried to buy it...didn't realize it at the time, but the clarity of hindsight shows my weakness and poor decisions for exactly what they were. so i'm not angry or bitter with those who used me. they couldn't have done it if i hadn't allowed it to happen.
met casey, which was wonderful for a time...but i botched that one. thought i was ready. wasn't. no excuses, just truth. my fault. i did nothing to enrich her life...probably robbed her of some happiness. i regret that...but it was never done maliciously. stupidly and ignorantly, yes...but never with intent.
got to know some great people. casey, stosbet, tommy, merlowe, kristy doll, snuffy, clio lune...all people i adore and wish the best for.
got to know a number of suicidegirls. many of them wonderful people. chloe, vivid, amarena, meow, nixon, clio, scotty, sharyn...all lovely ladies. good people. got to know quite a few sg's that turned out to be pretty lousy people...but i won't name names. seems tacky.
not a big surprise there. sg's are just people. some good, some bad.
got married again. guess i loved her. sounds cruel to say, but it's not. she knew how i felt. i cared for her deeply, and did everything i could to help her. but i knew, and know, that amelia really is the only woman i have ever truly loved...and ever will. sounds so melodramatic, but the truth is she took my heart to the grave with her...i won't love again because i don't want to lose again.
but jinni knew i cared...that was never in doubt. but i lost her, too.
broke my neck a couple times. again, my own fault. trying desperately to recreate and relive the past. to feel even a little it alive again...
but you can't.
the glory is gone...the love is gone...the fire of youth is gone. i've grown old and tired and cold inside.
i'm a shadow...a ghost. working behind the scenes, behind false names. no one knows who i am. i see them in the stores, discuss the product with them as they hold it in their hands...and never let on that it was my creation. i take pictures...i see them published. i sell them away and take none of the credit.
it's all part of the plan. i don't want to be mourned or missed or forgotten when i'm gone. and who can mourn or miss someone they didn't even know? when i log off this site for the last time, there will be no announcement...i'll just fade away. get lost amongst the other disused and forgotten data.
and that's not sad. it's exactly what i want.
i really just came back to get some addresses so i could mail out some of JustJinni's stuff that i promised to people...
after that's done, i think i'm well and truly done with sg. eleven years here total, and most of it wasn't fun. i got here not long after the beginning. i was married to amelia...we were living our lives and loving each other. i never quite enjoyed sg after she was gone...haven't enjoyed much of anything. to be expected, i suppose. you never truly get over your first love. i thought i had loved before i met her, but i hadn't. i think now of the girls i dated before i met her, and smile. had fun...cared for them a lot. kristine, brii-anna, carly, sarah...all wonderful girls. but even right now, i can remember that heady, other-worldly feeling in my gut that i had the day i met amelia back in 1998. doesn't feel long ago at all.
but then i catch my reflection...hairline's a few inches back, beard a few inches longer. wrinkles around my eyes and mouth...even a bit of grey in that beard now. my body is soft...atrophied...all the strength i once had leeched away by a year of physical paralysis, and almost a decade of emotional paralysis...
that's when it hits me how long ago happiness was. her smell is gone from the clothes and bedding i saved. the braid of her hair hanging on the wall is stiff and brittle. her essence has left me...
met a lot of people that just wanted my money...which is cool. i have lots. but they could've at least pretended to give a damn about me. at least they got some nice presents out of the deal. my fault, though. i was seeking some human comfort, and tried to buy it...didn't realize it at the time, but the clarity of hindsight shows my weakness and poor decisions for exactly what they were. so i'm not angry or bitter with those who used me. they couldn't have done it if i hadn't allowed it to happen.
met casey, which was wonderful for a time...but i botched that one. thought i was ready. wasn't. no excuses, just truth. my fault. i did nothing to enrich her life...probably robbed her of some happiness. i regret that...but it was never done maliciously. stupidly and ignorantly, yes...but never with intent.
got to know some great people. casey, stosbet, tommy, merlowe, kristy doll, snuffy, clio lune...all people i adore and wish the best for.
got to know a number of suicidegirls. many of them wonderful people. chloe, vivid, amarena, meow, nixon, clio, scotty, sharyn...all lovely ladies. good people. got to know quite a few sg's that turned out to be pretty lousy people...but i won't name names. seems tacky.
not a big surprise there. sg's are just people. some good, some bad.
got married again. guess i loved her. sounds cruel to say, but it's not. she knew how i felt. i cared for her deeply, and did everything i could to help her. but i knew, and know, that amelia really is the only woman i have ever truly loved...and ever will. sounds so melodramatic, but the truth is she took my heart to the grave with her...i won't love again because i don't want to lose again.
but jinni knew i cared...that was never in doubt. but i lost her, too.
broke my neck a couple times. again, my own fault. trying desperately to recreate and relive the past. to feel even a little it alive again...
but you can't.
the glory is gone...the love is gone...the fire of youth is gone. i've grown old and tired and cold inside.
i'm a shadow...a ghost. working behind the scenes, behind false names. no one knows who i am. i see them in the stores, discuss the product with them as they hold it in their hands...and never let on that it was my creation. i take pictures...i see them published. i sell them away and take none of the credit.
it's all part of the plan. i don't want to be mourned or missed or forgotten when i'm gone. and who can mourn or miss someone they didn't even know? when i log off this site for the last time, there will be no announcement...i'll just fade away. get lost amongst the other disused and forgotten data.
and that's not sad. it's exactly what i want.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
You can't get rid of me, my dear. ((cackles maniacally))
But seriously, you are a kind heart and a lovely friend.
I really admire your candor in this blog. Honesty is something I value highly, and I respect your strength in discussing your life trials.
((hugs))