Happy Festivus Everyone!!
Well December was madness as I wrapped up teaching and school, worked by buns off at a job I am not very fond of, and you-know, had some good times.
Santa was quite good to me bringing:
-a microwave! yay!
-a spice rack
-a tempered glassware food storage set
- sleeping beauty
-a scarf
- giftcards and various little thingys
In other news, my computer (which was free) fizzled.....it is quite unfortunate. As soon as I get internet hooked up, my computer dies lol, but my faja said he'd buy me a lap top so that is good
So this year has been full of changes for me:
-I ended a four year relationship that was not right. I will always love and care about him, but we're not good for each other and I'm happier without him. Unfortunately, I was not very good about keeping it ended and it got to the point where we had to have the 'get back together' talk. I said no. He hated me for a while, but hopefully we can be friends in the traditional sense now. I have to be much more poignant about establishing boundaries, clearly express my non-feelings, and you-know, keep my panties on.
-I admitted to myself, some close friends, and this wonderful web-site that I had an eating disorder and stopped it. Competely. And I feel so much better. And I'm so proud of myself.
- I was the head coach of a swim club, with all swimmers, parents, volunteers, and fans answering to ME! First time for me running the show!
-Began journaling to express myself, deal with my emotions and write about my dreams. And of course, write about boys.
-I sang karaoke for the first time!
-I moved out! ya me! Living on my own is so great. I can stumble in wasted, flop on my bed fully clothed and in full make-up - watch love actually and each the crappy non-fat chips I like from safeway with no one there to judge me. And nobody complains when my vibrator blows the breaker.
I never thought of myself as a commitment-phobe, but I may be.... in my work life. In 2008, I had seven different jobs. Coaching and teaching swimming lessons were seasonal so that is to be expected, but the others I all quit, unless I am still working there. So things to improve on for next year......
As I was single this fall, I went on quite a number of first dates. Which were all decent, but were quite similar....... to the point where our relationships would follow a pattern like: Shy boy asks me out via msn or facebook, takes me to fancy dinner, boy has trouble deciding what to order and I end up choosing for them, conversation is pleasant, but not intruiging, boy does not try to kiss me at end of date, boy again contacts me over msn or facebook. I guess this is what dating is.
I hope 2009 brings me new love. Love that can be in sweat pants. Love that can make me laugh. Love that can make my toes curl. Love that I can be me in and he can be him in. Love that will last a while, maybe even forever. I want to be his everything. I want him to want to be my everything.
Resolutions:
-Swear less
-Limit caffeine intake
-Find balance
What are yours?
Well December was madness as I wrapped up teaching and school, worked by buns off at a job I am not very fond of, and you-know, had some good times.
Santa was quite good to me bringing:
-a microwave! yay!
-a spice rack
-a tempered glassware food storage set
- sleeping beauty
-a scarf
- giftcards and various little thingys
In other news, my computer (which was free) fizzled.....it is quite unfortunate. As soon as I get internet hooked up, my computer dies lol, but my faja said he'd buy me a lap top so that is good
So this year has been full of changes for me:
-I ended a four year relationship that was not right. I will always love and care about him, but we're not good for each other and I'm happier without him. Unfortunately, I was not very good about keeping it ended and it got to the point where we had to have the 'get back together' talk. I said no. He hated me for a while, but hopefully we can be friends in the traditional sense now. I have to be much more poignant about establishing boundaries, clearly express my non-feelings, and you-know, keep my panties on.
-I admitted to myself, some close friends, and this wonderful web-site that I had an eating disorder and stopped it. Competely. And I feel so much better. And I'm so proud of myself.
- I was the head coach of a swim club, with all swimmers, parents, volunteers, and fans answering to ME! First time for me running the show!
-Began journaling to express myself, deal with my emotions and write about my dreams. And of course, write about boys.
-I sang karaoke for the first time!
-I moved out! ya me! Living on my own is so great. I can stumble in wasted, flop on my bed fully clothed and in full make-up - watch love actually and each the crappy non-fat chips I like from safeway with no one there to judge me. And nobody complains when my vibrator blows the breaker.
I never thought of myself as a commitment-phobe, but I may be.... in my work life. In 2008, I had seven different jobs. Coaching and teaching swimming lessons were seasonal so that is to be expected, but the others I all quit, unless I am still working there. So things to improve on for next year......
As I was single this fall, I went on quite a number of first dates. Which were all decent, but were quite similar....... to the point where our relationships would follow a pattern like: Shy boy asks me out via msn or facebook, takes me to fancy dinner, boy has trouble deciding what to order and I end up choosing for them, conversation is pleasant, but not intruiging, boy does not try to kiss me at end of date, boy again contacts me over msn or facebook. I guess this is what dating is.
I hope 2009 brings me new love. Love that can be in sweat pants. Love that can make me laugh. Love that can make my toes curl. Love that I can be me in and he can be him in. Love that will last a while, maybe even forever. I want to be his everything. I want him to want to be my everything.
Resolutions:
-Swear less
-Limit caffeine intake
-Find balance
What are yours?
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Meet someone nice (or several Someone nice's)
figure me out...
figure them out too
See, really... the guys who make it with women. They have this thing I haven't yet developed. It's an emotional disconnect. That just say. "Stupid Chick ... lesbian... she wasn't my type... Ugly bitch " what ever floats their ego and doesn't fuck with their style.
They move on and hit on... chat up ... get with the next girl that floats their boat for that moment. And strangely you all seem to respond to that as the BEST guy ( versus the NICE guy... which I always frame myself as...).
Me? I get "One-it-us" I experience rejection from one attractive woman and that rejection takes me over. It eats me up inside. And I pull back too hard, and let really great cool people of both sexes past me by, basically out of fear.
This is what I want to change.... And the only way I see forward is getting used to and more importantly PAST rejection.
Sit at a cafe all day and say Hi to everyone who I meet. Burn into myself the real fact that rejection is localized. More importantly, that momentary rejection is quite frankly, ineffectual to the further outcome of my own life's events. As they have rejected me... but I'm not really wounded or dead. Exiled from their subjective experience. But, still free to pursue my own.
As long as I push past the uncomfortable experience of rejection. I might be able to save what's really great about me for someone else out there, who really feels I'm special to them.