vorpal

I guess it is now my turn.

I keep seeing blogs on this website, more negative than the next.

Blogs keep getting linked here and there with “Have you seen what blah blah blah has written”

I understand that we all want to have our say.

I understand that we all want to be heard.

95% of the time I keep to myself, snuggled up in my little corner of the world, just watching the world go by.

This time I am not.

This blog was written as a response to a link posted on the SGAU Facebook group. I had just woken up, my partner was still peacefully sleeping snuggled up into my back, so I did as most of us tend to do nowadays, I grabbed my phone and looked at my Facebook. Funny isn’t it. I saw an ad on television saying a high certain percentage of us now wake up to technology devices rather than our loved ones. We are honestly so advanced in technology, yet somehow growing more and more “stupider” as a race as time goes on.

What comes next was going to be my reply to the link put on Facebook and then Ive sat here and added a lot more for this blog:

Missy's response was perfect in my eyes.

My eyes being I help run the social media platform: Instagram.

It is so fucking difficult keeping everyone happy.

I'm currently depressed as hell in my daily life, which makes it even more straining on the emotional side of my mind.

We do try new things. We do have different homework set every week to make it exciting, show where the girls live, what they like doing, what tattoos they have, who the fuck they are as individuals in a few quick photos for a social media platform with 3 million “Followers”, yet HALF the time I struggle finding images for that homework. The girls I see complaining don’t even join in with the homework. That right there is an easy way to get my attention and be posted on there as there are rarely any images in the hashtags we create, yet nope…..

One time I even had to go on the website and find images from sets where girls were cooking because there were literally 4 photos in the hashtag and one was not SFW(safe for work), I was even going to go bake a cake and post myself.

I do spend 5-15 hours every week finding photos. I do search the "vintage girls", search for girls who haven't been posted in a while. Girls who don't have many followers to boost them up. I do scroll through our “Followings” list on Instagram to see who I haven’t posted in a while. We do have meetings to talk about what else we can possibly do to make things better, easier, more exciting, but I can only know so much about someone as what their "vitals" allow me to see in a few mins on their page, and when it comes down to it, wouldn't you want to post things that will help your business flourish?

Get more girls to join us, and give them confidence?? A place they can show who they are, via photos, blogs, groups? A place where we support each other…… well thats what I want…I don’t know about everyone else. We are all products of something. You choose what category in life you want to be apart of. You choose who you are a product for? You choose where you want to stand and what you want to stand for. SG allows you to blog about that. Find people who also want to stand with you and allows others who stand for something else stand alongside you.

Instagram is all about pictures. Getting the most likes. Isn't that what we all do?

Take our selfies? Sometimes more that 10 photos are taken. Pick the best shot! The shot that will not only show us looking great but one that will do pretty well on our page? Isn’t that what Instagram is?

It isn’t to blog. It isn’t tumblr or myspace or the SG website. It isn’t to join groups like you can on our website. We CAN post long captions on Instagram. See that word there “Caption”.

Caption your photo.

Wikipedia explanation of “caption”: a title or brief explanation accompanying an illustration, cartoon, or poster.

A Title or Brief explanation.

Now tell me I should be writing more than a few sentences about a girls life to portray her better. The app itself explains what you should be doing.

Now on our website we have staff who literally search the site everyday finding amazing blogs, videos, photos, whatever the fuck else they can to show you more of our girls. A look into who they are. How their minds work. This isn’t what Instagram is. Yet I am constantly seeing negative words about how the Instagram is run. I realise that you cant please everyone. I realise that what one person likes another won’t. I realise that I post girls, and there will be positive comments, negative comments and comments that do not make sense at all, or comments about having sex with the girl and giving mobile numbers and Skype names.

I sit there sometimes and Ill post a girl, she might be “white” and Ill see racist comments. She might be “black” and Ill see racist comments. She might be “skinny” and Ill see comments about her needing to eat more. She might be “curvy” and Ill see comments about her needing to eat less.

There are so many hateful comments on every single photo. I myself, have had “too big boobs” and “too small boobs” on the same fucking photo. I know we can never please everyone and this is what all this damn shit about the Instagram is.

I personally created the @Hopefulsuicidegirls instagram in September 2013 from my own backup page that already had 10k on it. My idea. My way. No negative comments. I worked hard on that instagram from the very beginning to make it what it is now. Give the Hopefuls more exposure. It was a great page and it was so loving and positive. Yet, now, I see hate about that too. Its like I literally can not do anything to help out people without upsetting someone else. Its had to go to a “system” to stay “FAIR”. How ridiculous. Its gone from me wanting to help girls out, give them a lil confidence boost and help get more followers to their page, to me getting in trouble at every decision I make about the page and having to write RULES and creating a system so that its like a chore. Even THAT didn’t work. I still got emails and saw blogs about how “badly it was run”. Now I have had to get someone else to help me run it and post “random selfies” and she has learnt how difficult it is and how hard it is to keep everyone happy even with simple rules.

Now maybe give a lil respect to the staff who do what they can to make this work for everyone. I know I personally have posted 6 times a day between 12:30pm - 1:30am every single fucking day for over a year. I spend hours on Instagram. I spend hours getting the photos together. Im not saying everything I do about the instagram is perfect, but I do know how hard I try and how much effort goes into knowing what time it is every day. Not having one day off from it in over a year and never seeing “Hey vorpal, well done with the Instagram, you’re doing a great job” from the MODELS. Half the models I post wouldn’t even know its me posting them. Half the models wouldn’t even know who I am, and half the models complaining about not being posted would know I, myself, go MONTHS without being posted. There was a time I wasn’t posted for 5 months. Thats almost half a year, and I help run the page, I am literally on that page every single day. I am logged into the SG page more than my own page. I also think I post great selfies, I think I should be posted on there all the time too, just like everyone else, but I didn’t blog about not being posted. I just admired the girls who were and kept going about my day. Not complaining in a huge blog about how badly the site is treating me. How its not fair. How blah blah blah. Its an instagram page. Come on.

Now Ill tell you a little bit more about me and my time here:

I’m shy.

Some people literally laugh at me when I say that.

I had a rough upbringing. I have been through some terrible things.

Yet to be honest with you, I wouldn’t change what has happened to me over my life as it has made me who I am, and I am proud of who I grew up to be. My heart is so warm, when it could have been cold, or nonexistent.

I was heavily picked on for being the ugly girl at school. Even had moudly food thrown at me.

Wild curly red hair, freckles, and tiny frame didn’t go so well back then. I bet you didn’t know I looked like that right?

I left school at 16 years old and moved out of home.

At 16, I first discovered SuicideGirls.

I didn’t know exactly what it was, but I knew I liked girls and I knew these girls were hot as fuck and not afraid of anything.

Well thats the impression I got.

Evette.

Now theres a girl who got my attention.

She was so “cool” looking, and to little me. Little meek, shy me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be her or be on her.

Years passed and my love for SG grew. I found more girls on the internet. At age 18 I became a member for a few months. I was in girl heaven. I didn’t believe in heaven but I imagined that this was what it would be. These girls.

I found Gogo and my views on women changed. I no longer wanted to date girls who were androgynous, yes they were gorgeous and stylish, but somehow my attraction to girls with long hair grew from one look at Gogo.

More years passed and Instagram started.

I swear I was one of the first to have instagram. I remember I had 1000 followers and people would ask me how I had so many. I now laugh at that memory.

I found Glitch and Megan and Lass on Instagram.

Then….Casanova.

These 4 girls convinced me to apply to SG. It took more than a few comments but I finally did.

I didn’t think it was going to happen.

There weren’t many active Aussie SGs or hopefuls at all.

My Aussie faves PeggySue and Christina had stopped shooting years ago.

I shot, and my set didn’t get in.

I decided that I wouldn’t shoot again until I could save up enough money to travel to America and shoot with Alissa Brunelli. That was my goal. I started saving.

I woke up one morning and I had been entered into a competition on Facebook with like 12 other girls.

The girls who got more than 3000 SHARES were going to be PINK.

3000 shares you have got to be fucking kidding me. I get if that was LIKES, but shares? NO way.

but it happened.

I was pink. I was in. I was a SuicideGirl.

Then the hate started. “She isn’t an SG” “She didn’t get in the right way” etc, it was heartbreaking, I was back in school again, I was THAT girl again. I gave up. I wasn’t going to shoot ever again.

Peggysue, who had become my best friend, convinced me to not worry about the negativity and to be positive and hold my head high. Christina and Exkyu were supporting me. I was the first Aussie SG in 6 years. I had convinced Peggysue to start shooting again. Those 2 things alone were great achievements. I began seeing SG in a positive way again and just kept myself away from the negativity. It was hard when majority of it was from the SGAU group. The country I was from.

Then a few months later, Sean messaged me asking me to become a recruiter. I was over the moon. I knew my love of women would one day pay off. I began searching the world wide web on so many different platforms for girls. It was great. I was staff for the company that had changed my life. I was in contact with the creators of this place where I found peace with myself. My first Skype session with Missy I will always remember. I dressed really nice, did my make up as perfect as I could and I was about as nervous as talking to her as I would be the queen I reckon. There was more hate about me becoming staff but I just looked the other way with Peggysue and Missy’s help. I had also started encouraging more Aussie girls to apply. I was going to make this thing HUGE here. People in Australia were going to know just how incredible this website was. I was going to get shootfests happening in Australia with HEAPS of girls attending. I wanted what I saw was happening in America all the time…..spoiler alert, I did.

It was October 2013. I had been recruiting for a while, I had organised a shootfest in Melbourne, and I woke up to an email from Moon. She told me Sean was with her and wanted to ask me something. I got up. Didn’t even get dressed and Skype called her. This was when he asked me to fly to America to host the Blackheart Burlesque…and I was to be leaving the country in 3 hours. 3.

I had only ever been to Bali.

I had never been on a trip by myself other than to 1 other state.

I managed to push it back to 24 hours.

I left on that plane and my life changed.

I met so many incredible people on that tour. I would name them all and tell you how much they mean to me but this blog is already too long.

So just know, if you met me, you created a memory that will stay with me forever and I am so thankful for that.

After the America tour, I got to host the Aussie tour. Which was when I met a bunch of the SGAU group. Just know how hard it was for me to meet people who I had seen some nasty shit written about me from. I held my head high, and I let them get to know me, it all changed from there. Now, I can happily tell you that I have made some incredible friendships from the SGAU group. I have found many new ladies to join our group and I will continue to do my best to make the Aussies proud. I will continue to push this side of the world to know what SuicideGirls is all about until I am on my death bed.

Now, enough of my experience so far. I could keep writing, telling you more, but this needs to end somewhere right.

I have copped my fair share of hate over this site. From the very beginning when I went pink, to when I went to America, to posting on the SG instagram, to making the hopefuls instagram, to pushing to get the hopefuls on the SG instagram, to pushing AUS girls all the time to make it bigger and better for us here. Trust me, I almost feel like my heart could snap at any second there has been a few times I've wanted to run away and quit. Especially when I first went pink, from the hate in the SGAU group, imagine going pink and then getting negative feedback from your own country and support group. It has taken me a long time to allow the love in my heart and to even want to be in the SGAU group and this is my first ball I'll be attending even though I've been on SG for many years and have been pink for almost 2, but, I love these girls. I love what SG is and I always have even as a 16 year old girl, and you have no idea how amazing it is sitting on a couch smoking weed for the first time with your first ever SG that you found. I have memories that will last a lifetime. Missy giving me her shoes when mine broke. Meeting Sean for the first time and sleeping in a bed so many of your idols have slept in. Making a bestie, Peggysue who stuck by me through everything, and I mean everything. Meeting Christina, one of my OG SGs and not knowing what version of hello I should say to sound "normal" to someone I think so fucking highly of. Meeting Casanova and getting to snuggle and kiss her. Waking up in a diff state in America every morning and asking "where the hell am I now?" . Putting my feet in snow for the first time. Being on stage, speaking in front of over 10,000 people in 2 weeks and then again in your own country and in front of my biggest fan in the world (my mumma) when you have social anxiety but getting through it because you know they love SG as much as I did and feeling more comfortable than going to a friends party. I could honestly go on forever.

We choose what we want to feel about something and honestly I feel love. I choose to look past all the fucking disgusting hate I see everyday and I support SG and all the girls and most importantly Missy. It fucking can't be easy to be her when I know what I get on the daily. She has seen girls come and go many many times, use the site for whatever it is that individual needs at that time, and go. I couldn’t imagine that when I know how I feel when girls leave the website. For positive or negative reasons. I have a bond with Missy that I can only relate to as getting to know a partners mother and then calling them mum and feeling the same way about them as your own mother. Missy is my other mum. She has helped me through more than she even knows.

I've just read this out to Caleb (my partner), before posting this and I've literally broken down crying (I don't cry often). The first thing he said is “Its ok Bub, I know this is your everything"

I have copped so much hate, seen so much hate about the site, hate about different girls and about different photographers.

Yet I would honestly be one of the first to stand in the shooting line if it came to it.

I have now sat here for 2 hours writing my soul into this.

Look I guess I see this from a different angle. It's a difficult angle to stand on, but I wouldn't give any of this up for the world.