So my buddy and I have this running conversation about the weird shit we've seen in the men's room at work (we are co workers). Just when I thought I had seen it all, I experience the most baffling thing yet. Before I get to that though, let me bring you up to speed on our list so far. As you read these, keep in mind that I work in an office building for one of the top financial firms in the world and not the local McDonalds
-Skidmarks on the stall walls
-Boogers flicked onto the stall walls
-Piss all over the toilet seat (we know who The Tinkler is)
-guys who brush their teeth at work ( this one I guess is fairly common but I just don't get it and don't like it.
Don't they have a bathroom with a sink and mirror at home? It's not like they're pulling all-nighters at the
office. And isn't this the kind of thing hobos do? Hygiene is important but I really don't need to see the
process. The end result is what counts.)
- Guys who have to talk to you at the urinal (It's always the worst small talk. "Monday's eh?" "TGIF." "How
ya doin? Me,I'll be a lot better when 5 o'clock rolls around." Or a recap of the meeting you both just walked
out of: "What'd you think about that meeting?" "I think I'm trying to take a piss but I can't because some some
asshole is yapping in my ear with his arm resting on the little dividing wall. This can't wait a minute? Fuck
off and go wait in the hall if you need to talk to me."
-A guy who grabs a paper towel on his way into the bathroom, takes it to the urinal and then tries to flush it.
-Guys who drop trou right in the middle of the bathroom to tuck their shirt in. I walked in on a dude doing this
once. He was at the far end of the room directly opposite the door so when I got in there, I was directly
across the room from him. Staring at eachother in true shootout-at-high-noon fashion. I felt like Jim Arness
at the beginning of Gunsmoke.
-The maintenance guy who wants to clean the stall you're in while you're taking a shit. He walks down the
row of stalls and sprays air freshener over the top of all the doors. To date, I've always been alone in the
bathroom for this one so I've been the only one to get rained on.
So up until now, that last one was the weirdest thing I've had happen in there and the one that has amused my coworkers the most. Until today.
I was sitting in the stall, ya know-doin' my business. Collecting my thoughts. Then I hear the door open and the distinctive sound of heels walking into the room. I peek through the door crack and, sure enough, it's a woman. Heels, pants suit. I don't get a good look at her face but she then casually walks into the stall next to me, lays out the paper ass gasket and begins to pee. I peek out the door crack again, this time just look at the urinals to reassure myself that I'm not the one in the wrong room. They're there so I'm ok. Do I say something? If so, do I say something smartass or keep it professional? Before I can make sense of the situation, she has finished, cleaned up, and left (She didn't wash her hands but who the fuck cares. Why was she there in the first place?) In and out like there was nothing wrong. I mean I can see if it was a dire emergency and the ladie's room was closed for maintenance. I was bracing myself to hear puking or explosive diarrhea. Nope. Just pee. The whole thing took no more than a minute. When I exited the bathroom, I peered out the door and emerged slowly. I was waiting for Alan Funt and the Candid Camera crew to come running at me.
Ladies-answer me this. I don't get into the ladie's room often. Never, actually. But I feel pretty safe saying there are no urinals in the ladie's room. So if you walked in and saw urinals, you'd probably realize something was amiss and turn and walk out. Right? Hell, if I walked into the bathroom and there were no urinals, I'd know pretty quickly that the numbers don't add up. So what gives?
I really have no idea to end this so I'll just end it with the same bewildered feeling that this particular shit break ended with. Feel free to share your own weird bathroom stories. C'mon don't be shy. It'll feel great to get it out. Ok now I'm starting to get into bad puns so I'm stopping here.
Mahalo,
G.
-Skidmarks on the stall walls
-Boogers flicked onto the stall walls
-Piss all over the toilet seat (we know who The Tinkler is)
-guys who brush their teeth at work ( this one I guess is fairly common but I just don't get it and don't like it.
Don't they have a bathroom with a sink and mirror at home? It's not like they're pulling all-nighters at the
office. And isn't this the kind of thing hobos do? Hygiene is important but I really don't need to see the
process. The end result is what counts.)
- Guys who have to talk to you at the urinal (It's always the worst small talk. "Monday's eh?" "TGIF." "How
ya doin? Me,I'll be a lot better when 5 o'clock rolls around." Or a recap of the meeting you both just walked
out of: "What'd you think about that meeting?" "I think I'm trying to take a piss but I can't because some some
asshole is yapping in my ear with his arm resting on the little dividing wall. This can't wait a minute? Fuck
off and go wait in the hall if you need to talk to me."
-A guy who grabs a paper towel on his way into the bathroom, takes it to the urinal and then tries to flush it.
-Guys who drop trou right in the middle of the bathroom to tuck their shirt in. I walked in on a dude doing this
once. He was at the far end of the room directly opposite the door so when I got in there, I was directly
across the room from him. Staring at eachother in true shootout-at-high-noon fashion. I felt like Jim Arness
at the beginning of Gunsmoke.
-The maintenance guy who wants to clean the stall you're in while you're taking a shit. He walks down the
row of stalls and sprays air freshener over the top of all the doors. To date, I've always been alone in the
bathroom for this one so I've been the only one to get rained on.
So up until now, that last one was the weirdest thing I've had happen in there and the one that has amused my coworkers the most. Until today.
I was sitting in the stall, ya know-doin' my business. Collecting my thoughts. Then I hear the door open and the distinctive sound of heels walking into the room. I peek through the door crack and, sure enough, it's a woman. Heels, pants suit. I don't get a good look at her face but she then casually walks into the stall next to me, lays out the paper ass gasket and begins to pee. I peek out the door crack again, this time just look at the urinals to reassure myself that I'm not the one in the wrong room. They're there so I'm ok. Do I say something? If so, do I say something smartass or keep it professional? Before I can make sense of the situation, she has finished, cleaned up, and left (She didn't wash her hands but who the fuck cares. Why was she there in the first place?) In and out like there was nothing wrong. I mean I can see if it was a dire emergency and the ladie's room was closed for maintenance. I was bracing myself to hear puking or explosive diarrhea. Nope. Just pee. The whole thing took no more than a minute. When I exited the bathroom, I peered out the door and emerged slowly. I was waiting for Alan Funt and the Candid Camera crew to come running at me.
Ladies-answer me this. I don't get into the ladie's room often. Never, actually. But I feel pretty safe saying there are no urinals in the ladie's room. So if you walked in and saw urinals, you'd probably realize something was amiss and turn and walk out. Right? Hell, if I walked into the bathroom and there were no urinals, I'd know pretty quickly that the numbers don't add up. So what gives?
I really have no idea to end this so I'll just end it with the same bewildered feeling that this particular shit break ended with. Feel free to share your own weird bathroom stories. C'mon don't be shy. It'll feel great to get it out. Ok now I'm starting to get into bad puns so I'm stopping here.
Mahalo,
G.
Those are freaking hysterical!!
xoxo
Sunshine