Today I was hit by a bolt of lightning. Not really, it just seemed like it. I just had this wave of optimism sweep over me, and for the first time in months, I felt like everything was gonna be okay.
It happened quite suddenly, after my car had overheated and I was waiting on my dad to come and help me fix it. I had just left my english class, and was walking around in the Cotton Exchange. I walked into Crescent Moon, where they sell all the glass pieces of artwork, jewelry, and just so much beautiful stuff. Well, this one thing in there caught my eye, I can't really tell you what it was because honestly I don't know. It was abstract, and I could see it on a mantle over a fireplace. I looked at the price tag - $85.. Usually my thoughts would be "I wish I could afford to throw money away like that.. I will never be able to afford that," but instead that first thing that came to mind was "I can't wait until I get settled into a new job and make enough money to afford that." It's like my mind was incapable of thinking "IF" and instead defaulted to "WHEN".
And since that moment, I've had this knowledge that its all gonna be okay. It has been a rough couple months on my end, and I was beginning to wonder if I was strong enough to survive it, and now I know I want to better myself. No more excessive drinking, no more sleeping through class. I want to TRY and SUCCEED at life. I'm tired of petty-ness. I'm tired of people telling me that I need to go out and drink because I'm young and that's what I'm supposed to do. NO! That is not what I am supposed to do! It is what I am EXPECTED to do. People expect so little of the youth of america now, we as a population are authenticating the stereotype of young America. We are living up to lowered expectations. Why don't we do more to better ourselves? Prove that we can be more, that there are more important things to us than sex, drug, and alcohol? Why should we settle for people assuming we are all drunks and screw ups?
Living a party lifestyle will get you nowhere. It will be fun, yes, but when you're 35 with a bad liver, and no license because of DUI's and you're all alone in the world, will it still be fun? I'm watching people around me growing up and having babies and getting married, and I haven't even had a serious relationship since High school! I can barely support my drinking habit, much less another human being! I've been doing a lot of soul searching in these last few days and I've realized what I want from life, and it's more than what I am setting myself up for. I'm not saying I'm never going out again, or that I hate everyone who drinks, I am just saying that I cannot take part in this kind of lifestyle all the time and do what I want to do with my life. I have almost given up on my art, its been months since I painted, and I barely draw anymore, but those are the things that make me happy. Why am I throwing away something I love so that I can find myself in a drunken stupor nearly every night?
I'm not going to stop going out or hanging out with my friends, I am just going to cut back on this lifestyle and learn a little bit of moderation. I finally feel capable of taking care of myself again and see good things coming in my future. I finally have enough self confidence again to be happy with myself, and hopefully that will be enough to help me endure these next few months while I get back on my feet.
It happened quite suddenly, after my car had overheated and I was waiting on my dad to come and help me fix it. I had just left my english class, and was walking around in the Cotton Exchange. I walked into Crescent Moon, where they sell all the glass pieces of artwork, jewelry, and just so much beautiful stuff. Well, this one thing in there caught my eye, I can't really tell you what it was because honestly I don't know. It was abstract, and I could see it on a mantle over a fireplace. I looked at the price tag - $85.. Usually my thoughts would be "I wish I could afford to throw money away like that.. I will never be able to afford that," but instead that first thing that came to mind was "I can't wait until I get settled into a new job and make enough money to afford that." It's like my mind was incapable of thinking "IF" and instead defaulted to "WHEN".
And since that moment, I've had this knowledge that its all gonna be okay. It has been a rough couple months on my end, and I was beginning to wonder if I was strong enough to survive it, and now I know I want to better myself. No more excessive drinking, no more sleeping through class. I want to TRY and SUCCEED at life. I'm tired of petty-ness. I'm tired of people telling me that I need to go out and drink because I'm young and that's what I'm supposed to do. NO! That is not what I am supposed to do! It is what I am EXPECTED to do. People expect so little of the youth of america now, we as a population are authenticating the stereotype of young America. We are living up to lowered expectations. Why don't we do more to better ourselves? Prove that we can be more, that there are more important things to us than sex, drug, and alcohol? Why should we settle for people assuming we are all drunks and screw ups?
Living a party lifestyle will get you nowhere. It will be fun, yes, but when you're 35 with a bad liver, and no license because of DUI's and you're all alone in the world, will it still be fun? I'm watching people around me growing up and having babies and getting married, and I haven't even had a serious relationship since High school! I can barely support my drinking habit, much less another human being! I've been doing a lot of soul searching in these last few days and I've realized what I want from life, and it's more than what I am setting myself up for. I'm not saying I'm never going out again, or that I hate everyone who drinks, I am just saying that I cannot take part in this kind of lifestyle all the time and do what I want to do with my life. I have almost given up on my art, its been months since I painted, and I barely draw anymore, but those are the things that make me happy. Why am I throwing away something I love so that I can find myself in a drunken stupor nearly every night?
I'm not going to stop going out or hanging out with my friends, I am just going to cut back on this lifestyle and learn a little bit of moderation. I finally feel capable of taking care of myself again and see good things coming in my future. I finally have enough self confidence again to be happy with myself, and hopefully that will be enough to help me endure these next few months while I get back on my feet.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
thefox:
How's it going, babe?
gayballs:
Kashi makes everything wonderful