I guess some of this is my own fault. I think in a lot of ways alternative is viewed as being skin deep. Do you have tattoos? Are you outside of the glorified "norm" that society depicts as ideal? Well, I don't really know. A lot of times I talk to people that say " I have always wanted a tattoo but there is nothing that I would want on my skin forever. I think I would regret it." And, that is fair. I guess I can give everyone their due respect.
If we are talking about surface then yes, I am alternative. I have tattoos and I have piercings. I am a blonde haired blue eyed athlete. I am too short to be qualified as a model in a normal standard. So sure. A pretty girl with edge. I look different.
Is this what people want alternative to be?
I guess I give the term a different level of respect. I am alternative because I am scarred and I am emotional and I'm not always trying to be pretty and sexy. My tattoos are a visual reminder for me of my emotional scars: times when my heart was hurt or I couldn't cope or I wasn't good enough and I wasn't what I was "supposed" to be-- times when I tried to do what was "right" and in the end all I did was fail myself and hurt other people. Because isn't that really what "alternative" is? For every time I was scolded for being too loud or too inappropriate? For being offensive or embarrassing? For not giving a fuck what other people think I should feel or do? For not dreaming of getting married and having kids and spending my Sundays at family dinner five miles down the road?
I've never seemed to meet the expectations of my mother or her family. I'm simply everything that she did not "order." I've always been too emotional or too angry or too cold or too pragmatic, spoiled or bitchy. I've always been career driven and motivated for myself. Of course, that's me as an adult. I can always say I had a strong sense of self. That doesn't mean that as I child I didn't feel unloved or sad or suicidal. No matter what I did, it was never right.
I use tattoos as a way to represent the damage in my heart and soul. It reminds me that there is physical pain to put my specific emotional issues in check.
I am not pretending I have had just an awful life and that other people haven't been through more. I promise that compared to others my life is a candy apple. But, that doesn't make the way I feel any less legitimate to me. I thought part of being considered "alternative" was that I didn't have to be pretty and perfect all of the time.
Some people have told me that I need to stop being so vocal about how I feel or what I am going through.
As a child I promised myself that as soon as I grew up I would never let anyone make me feel like I did when I was younger. I have cut all ties with my family. I am completely on my own. And that is okay. I am not looking for advice and aside from a select few friends I have made on here I sure as hell don't need help or advice.
If you don't like it unfollow me. I'm here to be human. I am here to be more real and in depth then some photo shopped girl on a billboard. Sometimes I feel pretty and confident and sometimes I feel sexy and I have always been one to brag. BUT, not always.
I am sad and this week has been rough. And I am allowed all of it.
Determine what level of "alternative" you're interested in. It may not be me.
XOXO
