An amusing update to counteract my depressing one below... I went for a job interview today... at MEDIEVAL TIMES. Bah ha ha ha ha ha. They offered me the job - Serving Wench is my exact title, if I were to accept the job. As fun and tempting as it is, I may turn it down in favour of a really busy, trendy restaurant downtown. That is if they call me tomorrow. If not, then I guess Serving Wench it is. 
I don't know why I pick the weird jobs...some of you may remember two summers ago when I was working for a historical re-enactment Fort... I wore a wool uniform from 1812 and marched around firing a musket.
I rule.
***
My Grandmother is in the hospital... she has heart failure and pulmonary adema. She's 87. She's had a heard life... she lived through the holocaust in a ghetto when her entire family died in Auschwitz. She's never been a happy person, and she's so hard to be around... the guilt trips and criticisms have been very hurtful to both me and my mom over the years - especially to my mom though, who has such a good heart, she almost always forgives my grandmother for the horrible awful things my grandmother sometimes says to her. But I love my grandmother and she's the only biological family I have left (aside from my parents). If it weren't for her strength and courage during the war, I wouldn't be here today. I hope she can get better... but on some level, I just wonder how much happier that will make all of us - my grandmother included. I mean, thinking about myself in that position, I don't know if I would want to just wither away in pain and unhappiness, popping pills all day long just to stay alive, unable to even walk to the bathroom without two people helping.
But at the same time, the thought of just... not existing anymore... it's so terrifying. I can't even begin to forgive myself for having these thoughts. I've been around death so little in my life, I'm having huge issues grasping this concept. When my father's parents died, I was 9, and although I knew what death was, I didn't really know my grandparents as an adult, and therefore couldn't and can't mourn them like one. I cried and I missed them, but I can only remember them with a child's memories.
Thinking about my grandmother passing away... I can't even begin to describe how scared it's making me. And it has me thinking about losing other people in my life... and that life is soooooo short and fragile.
And so I sit here listening to Kate Bush... like the sad music at the end of a TV show... making myself cry at 4am in the morning because I can't sleep...
"I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand..."
I don't know why I pick the weird jobs...some of you may remember two summers ago when I was working for a historical re-enactment Fort... I wore a wool uniform from 1812 and marched around firing a musket.
I rule.
***
My Grandmother is in the hospital... she has heart failure and pulmonary adema. She's 87. She's had a heard life... she lived through the holocaust in a ghetto when her entire family died in Auschwitz. She's never been a happy person, and she's so hard to be around... the guilt trips and criticisms have been very hurtful to both me and my mom over the years - especially to my mom though, who has such a good heart, she almost always forgives my grandmother for the horrible awful things my grandmother sometimes says to her. But I love my grandmother and she's the only biological family I have left (aside from my parents). If it weren't for her strength and courage during the war, I wouldn't be here today. I hope she can get better... but on some level, I just wonder how much happier that will make all of us - my grandmother included. I mean, thinking about myself in that position, I don't know if I would want to just wither away in pain and unhappiness, popping pills all day long just to stay alive, unable to even walk to the bathroom without two people helping.
But at the same time, the thought of just... not existing anymore... it's so terrifying. I can't even begin to forgive myself for having these thoughts. I've been around death so little in my life, I'm having huge issues grasping this concept. When my father's parents died, I was 9, and although I knew what death was, I didn't really know my grandparents as an adult, and therefore couldn't and can't mourn them like one. I cried and I missed them, but I can only remember them with a child's memories.
Thinking about my grandmother passing away... I can't even begin to describe how scared it's making me. And it has me thinking about losing other people in my life... and that life is soooooo short and fragile.
And so I sit here listening to Kate Bush... like the sad music at the end of a TV show... making myself cry at 4am in the morning because I can't sleep...
"I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand..."
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
brooklynbabe:
Hey! I like the martini picture! Sorry to read about your grammy. ((HUGS)) 
brightredscream:
Your grandmother is in my thoughts..as well as you and your entire family <3