vodka_socks

Sigh...

My camera grew legs on Friday when I was at my friends house... I don't think anyone took it and it's just around there, but seeing as no one has found it I'm starting to think otherwise....Luckily for insurance I will have a new one in a couple of days... but that doesn't make up for all the photos on it that I lost....and the fact it's gone...

It's so hot here, I hate it.... I can't do anything when it's hot, it just makes me tired and grumpy... Hopefully it will cool down soon...

I finally let something go that has been riding on me for ages... It feels weird, but kind of good... Sometimes things just are too much and need to be walked away from... Sometimes people push things too far......Then there is conflict and everything goes to shit...everything that shouldn't have gone to shit if people only listened... Then again no one ever listens to me until it's too late.. They all seem to think I'm am just there to be taken advantage of...If they need or want something I'll hear from them, they'll play nice and all that crap..Well I'm over that, I'm not a fucking doormat,I'm not an automatic teller machine, I'm not there to be put down, pissed off and generally treated like shit...

Here's another piece of my mind........

Confused,
There is nothing there.
Not a word ever spoken,
No Regocnition here;
Disconnected togetherness....
There is no comfort zone, I have forgotten who I am;-
and don't know who you are anymore, so cold and crisp
like dark night air we have become.Would you notice if I wasn't there,
to save you from the morning's demons;to aid in the further hate of feeling?
Or would you just replace me without a breath?
Your tongue lashes me with words of avoidance for fear of emotion,
tearing at my heart; four years bedfellow, but you don't consider me a friend?
Is this the part where I'm meant to leave; to burn it all,
everything has shown it is nothing now, emptiness is closing in.
You are wrong - I expect nothing from you;
there's no expectations left inside, only false hope of what
forever will be daydreams.
Your love has leeched the colour from my soul,
Forever now there is a tear in my eye;-
just waiting for a thought of you, happiness contorted.
I'm only in your glass, drowning in your insecurity:
Screaming out for a rescue team that will never show.
Lets just forget it.
I wait by your soul all the night, but you don't want to let me in;
Goodbye my love, I offered you the world...........


Love has made me weak, I can not keep up the fight, loneliness has closed in. I was never weak. I spend my days staring aimlessly at the walls, rocking in the corner shadows wishing I could just let go. Not a second passes by where love does not cloud my thoughts with silly dellusions of maybe someday happiness torn down by the reality of my misery. I am left alone, prey to time and to the world with no where to go and nothing to do.Trapped in a permanent state of constant thought, I find contentment yet I have lost the inspiration to vent the vast creativity and divinty that makes me who I am. I just don't know anymore;- caught in the waves of irreversable confusion I try to keep the fairytale in my head as some form of hope, but the rain pouring from my once warmed heart has run the ink that long ago was my soul. I have thrown away myself in order to salvage whats not there. Given up the world; for love is blind. I have become something I'm not, in fear of loss I have forgotten who I am, what I enjoy. Nothing is the same anymore, there is no love there and the love that is here is forever haunted by heartache. I've done all I can do, there is no more, cut my own heart out as an offering to a stone sentinel. I look down upon myself like a roof top gargoyle on the city below, watching as I stumble blindly around looking for the meaning of life or some other unanswerable question that I have decided to try and decipher along the way, heart slowly bleeding out, everything is turning to white. Looking for answers I'll never find because I already know them. But actions I will never take for they prove to be futile against my emotions. Why should I give up now? Somebody kill me please, Im killing myself without realising it. I am always alone, I'm alone all the time, I'm lost in the world of my own mind, trying to find some way to piece the puzzle that I am right. Everything I once took pleasure in doing and wish to enjoy again have no motivational values or enthusiasic ideas pushing me forth as being lonely always wins out in the end. I have forgotten how to smile and I have mastered madness but paid for it with my soul, grown so old and whithered has my heart yet so young to the eyes and to touch. The long ago social butterfly of life is now enclosed in what looks to be a cocoon, a state of de-evolution, that in truth is a work of art formed by the spider whose fine weavings made her think she saw her reflection in the morning dew. She thinks to herself while entangled in a maze of demise, wings closed and torn: "Everything was perfect once". Happiness is somewhere in the subconscious these days as everything that seems to be bought about with happiness ends up tasting dark and cold. Bringing me back to feeling I have been stripped of all five senses, in return been offered a sixth within my thoughts but have lost my self expression; therefore losing myself. Occasionally residing in the company of very few people I still know doesn't even come close to being in that of my own, everyone is just a dull shade of grey. There is no satisfaction left in anything but the early morning rendezvous of muses and clear spirits - the only time I feel all the trembling sweetness I love and adored. The only time I leave my state of uneasiness and venture out the door. I know there is more to life than this, I've seen. However I have forgotten how to do the things I enjoy most, how to be social, how to communicate in a world where there is no one I know and those who I do know don't know me.I long to start a new, to just be able to be the person I really am, find the people like me, but in a world so superficial and material how can one still appreciate the simple pleasures of life. I am at war with myself. Telling myself I am a fool to sit and ponder on all the spectacles of life which once were, and to just go do them again, to just go out and "be" if I feel the urge to do something. But the loneliness that sits with loyalty and respect by my side prevails, and here I sit and think the same thoughts, at the same time, over and over again, wishing just for once I could just have a good time. But I don't know what a good time is anymore....


I'm inside that little bubble that you see in the ice;
floating upon an ether sea, in a crystal ship -
Deep within the safety of your snow white hand....
Until the early morning sun leeches the night from our souls -
For what is now melted, is disgarded ; even less....
Teardrops collide with fire eyes; Face
habit you cannot break - sits at home and waits for you..............