Day #1 of my straight edge week... I'm bored enough to actually type up all the crazy shit that led up to this straight edge pact that Knifefight, me, and a few of my other friends signed.
This is going to be a long entry, I might do it in parts. I've had a crazy last couple of days. We'll start with two nights ago, at my friend's Raquel's apartment.
My former next door neighbor, Raquel, just moved into a new apartment. With a fucking dumbass bitch (Aubri) who has never been on her own before. She is completely fucking useless and should be shot. She went out of town, so Raquel decided to throw a party. I agreed to come over and help clean up her aparment. You may wish to skip the following rant.. as it is just me venting so I don't fucking strangle this girl with her own entrails.
RANT
First off, Aubri has a completely fucking worthless dog, that pisses and shits everywhere, and chews anything left unchecked to peices. Why does it do this? Because this is how Aubri is raising it. When ever the dog (Charlie Bisquit, what kind of name is that) does something wrong, Aubri punishes it by a smile, a slightly scolding finger and the firm words of, "No no Charlie, you know that makes mommy mad when you do that." That is no way to raise a fucking dog.. anyway..
Second of all, I go to clean up the kitchen, and open the dishwasher. To my horror, their is a plate with at least a 4in in diameter BBQ stain, about an eighth of an inch thick... WHO DOES THAT?!? As well as an assortment of other dishes still COVERED in food. Common sense people.. fucking common sense. END RANT.
Well, Deckwreck, Flux show up, along with our friends Katie and Brett, shortly followed by Andrew, Mikey, Titianna and to my disappointment, Munchkin. Raquel and I are already pretty blitzed, especially Raquel. She's already taken 3 strong upside down margarittas, and I've done four shots and killed half a forty of Colt 45 (kicking it ghetto style).
Mikey, Titianna and myself make a quick booze run and pick up some JD and sour mix for Deck, and some New Castle Brown for Flux. (Tangent: The other night I was rushing up to my liquor store before it closed, I literally sprinted in as he was closing the doors. He saw me, and told me in his broken engrish, "I give you numba! Next time, you call, I keep store open for you. You good customer, me appreciate bussiness." The funny thing is, I'm still six months away from 21, and don't even have a fake.) We pick up the booze without incident, then head back. While, Mikey is parking... and he kinda.. well.. hit Munhckin's car. I'm pretty hammered in the back, and just groan. We get out, inspect the damage, realize it isn't too bad, rub the paint off Mikey's car, and move it a few spaces down. Whoops.
We get back inside, and I immediately start a round of upside down margarittas to lube up the somewhat lame social interaction. Things are still a bit lame, so Munchkin randomly does something fairly cool, which is very rare these days. She takes some note cards and makes a deck of cards out of them so we can play our favourite drinking game: CIRCLE OF DEATH!!!!
It was an awesome game. It was great humbling the genius Flux with our insane drinking game. She didn't get all THAT blitzted.. its was just awesome to see her superior IQ defeated by a few, in my mind, very simple, rules. I wish we could of gotten a picture of the look of confusion on her face when we tried to explain thumbmaster to her. (Deckwreck just informed me Flux will be angry about this last paragraph. All I have to say is that you kick me in the balls an average of 2 times when we drink, so you deserve it. Yeah, I said it.)
The game progressed pretty well, we were pretty hammered by the end of it. We head out for a smoke break. I've gotta piss, and don't feel like heading inside. So I figure I'll just whip it out and piss off the into the stairwell. This doesn't go so well at first. Some dude it was walking up right when I unleash. I barely stop in time to keep from pissing on him.. I'm sure some splaterrage got on his shoes though, little bitch. We rushed back inside and locked the door. We head out a few minutes later, Deckwreck, Andrew and myself unleash a triple torrent of beer piss all over the steps, coating them in our high proof urine. Was great.
So we are sitting around, I'm not the center of attention. Because of this I'm brooding and plotting how we can get the spotlight back on me, when someone does it for me. We start talking about how I swallow crazy shit when I'm drunk (razor blades, fish, worms, cockroaches), when someone suggests I swallow a cigarette butt. I happily agree. We got a pciture somewhere, hopefully I'll be able to post it soon. Well, the first one went down without a hitch, so my asshole friends dare me to try 3 at once. I really don't smoke that often, and the taste of stomped out cigarette butts really doesn't appeal to me. Butt (haha) I decide to give it a shot anyways. I get them about halfway down, when I run to the railing of the stairwell and do a mini-vomit session, it made a nice little SPLAT. I head in, rinse out my mouth and drink some more.
We move on to more upsidedown margarittas. Only with a twist. My buddy Mikey is trying to get with this girl, refered to as Titianna, for her damned nice rack. I convince her that Mikey hates tequilla, and really needs some salt before his margaritta... and the only place he can really take that salt from is her clevage, or her tongue, she can pick.. this time. She ops for the tongue. This happens about 3 more times, the last time we practically pulled off her bra and covered her tits in salt. If Mikey didn't get laid, its on him, I did my damnedest.
We head back outside, where Flux is caught up talking to her boyfriend long distance. I inform her I have to urinate, and that if she doesn't move, I probably won't piss on her, but that she shouldn't try to go down the steps, as that is where I'm pissing. I piss about 3 feet away from her, she denies she got hit with any splatter, but I think she did. A minute later she is forced to move when Andrew runs up and starts pissing where she was just standing. We really coated those stairs that night.
Things are slowing down. Deck got completely tore up and was passed the fuck out, as was Flux. I went in for a secret ninjutsu attack upon their kidneys. Deck just rolled over and grunted. Flux responded with a lightning quick triple kick to my groin. Luckily my massive penis blocked any damage to my nuts. I wasn't too upset, as I figure it will help contribute to my continued sterility.
First off, a little background. The other day Knifefight and I had an eye opening conversation.
KF: You're a fucking alcoholic man!
Me: Noway, I can totally go 2-3 days without getting the DTs.
KF: How the fuck do you know? When is the last time you went more than a day without drinking?
Me: *silence*
So KF brings this up and we decide to make a pact. No drinking for a week, if we break the pact, no electronic media of ANY kind for a week. We also decide to seal it in blood. Well, KF cuts his thumb, just below the joint just enough to smear a smathering of blood on the contract. I tell him to cut my thumb. He goes to do so (we are using a serated steak knife). Well, he cut a bit too deep, and dark, black, anime blood starts gushing out of my thumb, I quickly slam my thumb down on the contract, and try to get the bleeding under control, as it is gushing out all over Raquel's apartment. Deck is awakened by my laughter, and someone yelling, "Holy shit thats a lot of blood!" Well, we direct pressure that motherfucker, I chug another beer, and fall asleep clinching a paper towel around my thumb. In the morning, I pull off the blood bonded towel, and along with it all the clotting. I start gushing again. The handy Flux did me right though. She grabbed some paper towels and tied it off with some dental floss. Right as I'm about to leave, I go into Aubri's room.. and piss all over her bed. We are gonig to blame it on the dog.
I get to work, and after grossing out about 6 different places in the food court by showing off my wound, threatening to bleed on them, and asking a few of them to throw away my gore stained bandages, I head back to work. They are giving away free energy drinks outside of work. Score. I decide to "demonstrate" the funnel we sell. I grab it, gather a crowd around, and funnel two of the fuckers. i'm the god of the mall. God that sentence makes me feel pathetic... anyways. I go on to funnel a couple more.. and I'm delerious as shit, and chaulked full of false chemical induced energy. My mouth starts getting away from me. I think the best comment was when some bitch asked what they were doing outside... my response: "They are giving away free energy drinks, and having a mini-talent competition, I'm thinking about going out there and showing everyone how you can suck my 14in dick." To my delight, she just smiles, laughts, and walks away. How do I get away with it, I don't know.
Anyways.. my wrists are cramping from typing.. more later.
This is going to be a long entry, I might do it in parts. I've had a crazy last couple of days. We'll start with two nights ago, at my friend's Raquel's apartment.
My former next door neighbor, Raquel, just moved into a new apartment. With a fucking dumbass bitch (Aubri) who has never been on her own before. She is completely fucking useless and should be shot. She went out of town, so Raquel decided to throw a party. I agreed to come over and help clean up her aparment. You may wish to skip the following rant.. as it is just me venting so I don't fucking strangle this girl with her own entrails.
RANT
First off, Aubri has a completely fucking worthless dog, that pisses and shits everywhere, and chews anything left unchecked to peices. Why does it do this? Because this is how Aubri is raising it. When ever the dog (Charlie Bisquit, what kind of name is that) does something wrong, Aubri punishes it by a smile, a slightly scolding finger and the firm words of, "No no Charlie, you know that makes mommy mad when you do that." That is no way to raise a fucking dog.. anyway..
Second of all, I go to clean up the kitchen, and open the dishwasher. To my horror, their is a plate with at least a 4in in diameter BBQ stain, about an eighth of an inch thick... WHO DOES THAT?!? As well as an assortment of other dishes still COVERED in food. Common sense people.. fucking common sense. END RANT.
Well, Deckwreck, Flux show up, along with our friends Katie and Brett, shortly followed by Andrew, Mikey, Titianna and to my disappointment, Munchkin. Raquel and I are already pretty blitzed, especially Raquel. She's already taken 3 strong upside down margarittas, and I've done four shots and killed half a forty of Colt 45 (kicking it ghetto style).
Mikey, Titianna and myself make a quick booze run and pick up some JD and sour mix for Deck, and some New Castle Brown for Flux. (Tangent: The other night I was rushing up to my liquor store before it closed, I literally sprinted in as he was closing the doors. He saw me, and told me in his broken engrish, "I give you numba! Next time, you call, I keep store open for you. You good customer, me appreciate bussiness." The funny thing is, I'm still six months away from 21, and don't even have a fake.) We pick up the booze without incident, then head back. While, Mikey is parking... and he kinda.. well.. hit Munhckin's car. I'm pretty hammered in the back, and just groan. We get out, inspect the damage, realize it isn't too bad, rub the paint off Mikey's car, and move it a few spaces down. Whoops.
We get back inside, and I immediately start a round of upside down margarittas to lube up the somewhat lame social interaction. Things are still a bit lame, so Munchkin randomly does something fairly cool, which is very rare these days. She takes some note cards and makes a deck of cards out of them so we can play our favourite drinking game: CIRCLE OF DEATH!!!!
It was an awesome game. It was great humbling the genius Flux with our insane drinking game. She didn't get all THAT blitzted.. its was just awesome to see her superior IQ defeated by a few, in my mind, very simple, rules. I wish we could of gotten a picture of the look of confusion on her face when we tried to explain thumbmaster to her. (Deckwreck just informed me Flux will be angry about this last paragraph. All I have to say is that you kick me in the balls an average of 2 times when we drink, so you deserve it. Yeah, I said it.)
The game progressed pretty well, we were pretty hammered by the end of it. We head out for a smoke break. I've gotta piss, and don't feel like heading inside. So I figure I'll just whip it out and piss off the into the stairwell. This doesn't go so well at first. Some dude it was walking up right when I unleash. I barely stop in time to keep from pissing on him.. I'm sure some splaterrage got on his shoes though, little bitch. We rushed back inside and locked the door. We head out a few minutes later, Deckwreck, Andrew and myself unleash a triple torrent of beer piss all over the steps, coating them in our high proof urine. Was great.
So we are sitting around, I'm not the center of attention. Because of this I'm brooding and plotting how we can get the spotlight back on me, when someone does it for me. We start talking about how I swallow crazy shit when I'm drunk (razor blades, fish, worms, cockroaches), when someone suggests I swallow a cigarette butt. I happily agree. We got a pciture somewhere, hopefully I'll be able to post it soon. Well, the first one went down without a hitch, so my asshole friends dare me to try 3 at once. I really don't smoke that often, and the taste of stomped out cigarette butts really doesn't appeal to me. Butt (haha) I decide to give it a shot anyways. I get them about halfway down, when I run to the railing of the stairwell and do a mini-vomit session, it made a nice little SPLAT. I head in, rinse out my mouth and drink some more.
We move on to more upsidedown margarittas. Only with a twist. My buddy Mikey is trying to get with this girl, refered to as Titianna, for her damned nice rack. I convince her that Mikey hates tequilla, and really needs some salt before his margaritta... and the only place he can really take that salt from is her clevage, or her tongue, she can pick.. this time. She ops for the tongue. This happens about 3 more times, the last time we practically pulled off her bra and covered her tits in salt. If Mikey didn't get laid, its on him, I did my damnedest.
We head back outside, where Flux is caught up talking to her boyfriend long distance. I inform her I have to urinate, and that if she doesn't move, I probably won't piss on her, but that she shouldn't try to go down the steps, as that is where I'm pissing. I piss about 3 feet away from her, she denies she got hit with any splatter, but I think she did. A minute later she is forced to move when Andrew runs up and starts pissing where she was just standing. We really coated those stairs that night.
Things are slowing down. Deck got completely tore up and was passed the fuck out, as was Flux. I went in for a secret ninjutsu attack upon their kidneys. Deck just rolled over and grunted. Flux responded with a lightning quick triple kick to my groin. Luckily my massive penis blocked any damage to my nuts. I wasn't too upset, as I figure it will help contribute to my continued sterility.
First off, a little background. The other day Knifefight and I had an eye opening conversation.
KF: You're a fucking alcoholic man!
Me: Noway, I can totally go 2-3 days without getting the DTs.
KF: How the fuck do you know? When is the last time you went more than a day without drinking?
Me: *silence*
So KF brings this up and we decide to make a pact. No drinking for a week, if we break the pact, no electronic media of ANY kind for a week. We also decide to seal it in blood. Well, KF cuts his thumb, just below the joint just enough to smear a smathering of blood on the contract. I tell him to cut my thumb. He goes to do so (we are using a serated steak knife). Well, he cut a bit too deep, and dark, black, anime blood starts gushing out of my thumb, I quickly slam my thumb down on the contract, and try to get the bleeding under control, as it is gushing out all over Raquel's apartment. Deck is awakened by my laughter, and someone yelling, "Holy shit thats a lot of blood!" Well, we direct pressure that motherfucker, I chug another beer, and fall asleep clinching a paper towel around my thumb. In the morning, I pull off the blood bonded towel, and along with it all the clotting. I start gushing again. The handy Flux did me right though. She grabbed some paper towels and tied it off with some dental floss. Right as I'm about to leave, I go into Aubri's room.. and piss all over her bed. We are gonig to blame it on the dog.
I get to work, and after grossing out about 6 different places in the food court by showing off my wound, threatening to bleed on them, and asking a few of them to throw away my gore stained bandages, I head back to work. They are giving away free energy drinks outside of work. Score. I decide to "demonstrate" the funnel we sell. I grab it, gather a crowd around, and funnel two of the fuckers. i'm the god of the mall. God that sentence makes me feel pathetic... anyways. I go on to funnel a couple more.. and I'm delerious as shit, and chaulked full of false chemical induced energy. My mouth starts getting away from me. I think the best comment was when some bitch asked what they were doing outside... my response: "They are giving away free energy drinks, and having a mini-talent competition, I'm thinking about going out there and showing everyone how you can suck my 14in dick." To my delight, she just smiles, laughts, and walks away. How do I get away with it, I don't know.
Anyways.. my wrists are cramping from typing.. more later.
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#2 - Pissing on a hated roommate's bed and blaming it on the dog....