01:04 am - sigh
I had a shitty day today. Which has ruined my positive "everything is turning around" streak. Not completely, but a considerable blow was fired. My new bartending job, which I fell all too quickly and naively in love with, has already let me down. I still love the job, but it turns certain people affiliated with it have been feeding me bullshit. Very similar to what has happened in every one of my relationships. I trust blindly and get led into a fatal trap by my seeing eye heart. So now I'm just lost and confused as to whats going on, and I'm the ping pong being passed carelessly back and forth like an emotionless object. And I've fucked up school in the process. My "last day" (who knows) at the store Monday, this sweet lady who was like my work mom gave me the most priceless advice. She hugged me for like 5 minutes, pulled away wiping her tears and said "just don't lose sight of what youre doing." And I realize I have been. The things that are most important to me in my life have been neglected recently because of money and my lack thereof. School, friends, my sanity, and most importantly my daughter have all been set aside as a terrifying side effect of an extra large dosage of reality. What am I doing?
My baby is gonna be 5 this weekend. It kills me that my little girl is already gonna be going to school. Where does all my time go? To school and work. For money. But I would rather be poor if it meant more time to sit back and watch her grow, instead of looking up one day and seeing my once clumsy toddler suddenly speaking french, doing ballet and taking drama class.
I just nodded off mid sentence in front of the keyboard. I'll finish my thought later. Basically I'm tired of not living. And tired of wasting my time on the things that shouldn't matter but do bcuz thats life.
whoa- asleep again... ok im goin.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: for some reason no more drama is stuck in my head...
I had a shitty day today. Which has ruined my positive "everything is turning around" streak. Not completely, but a considerable blow was fired. My new bartending job, which I fell all too quickly and naively in love with, has already let me down. I still love the job, but it turns certain people affiliated with it have been feeding me bullshit. Very similar to what has happened in every one of my relationships. I trust blindly and get led into a fatal trap by my seeing eye heart. So now I'm just lost and confused as to whats going on, and I'm the ping pong being passed carelessly back and forth like an emotionless object. And I've fucked up school in the process. My "last day" (who knows) at the store Monday, this sweet lady who was like my work mom gave me the most priceless advice. She hugged me for like 5 minutes, pulled away wiping her tears and said "just don't lose sight of what youre doing." And I realize I have been. The things that are most important to me in my life have been neglected recently because of money and my lack thereof. School, friends, my sanity, and most importantly my daughter have all been set aside as a terrifying side effect of an extra large dosage of reality. What am I doing?
My baby is gonna be 5 this weekend. It kills me that my little girl is already gonna be going to school. Where does all my time go? To school and work. For money. But I would rather be poor if it meant more time to sit back and watch her grow, instead of looking up one day and seeing my once clumsy toddler suddenly speaking french, doing ballet and taking drama class.
I just nodded off mid sentence in front of the keyboard. I'll finish my thought later. Basically I'm tired of not living. And tired of wasting my time on the things that shouldn't matter but do bcuz thats life.
whoa- asleep again... ok im goin.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: for some reason no more drama is stuck in my head...
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
I worked in a bar too down in st louis for a while just becareful with who you trust. As long as you do well that's all that matters..
I have journal I keep elsewhere if you ever want to read about moi =)
its all about neil diamond
get sleep.
good luck!